Sister in law using our destination wedding as a free vacation

Honestly, yes, I think you are over reacting. I understand wanting to celebrate your wedding with your sister, but the only activities you get to control all the ones that are wedding related (ie, welcome dinner, rehearsal/rehearsal dinner, ceremony/reception). While it was very gracious of you to cover the traveling expenses for your guests, it doesn’t give you ownership of them or their time there. It sounds like your sister will be participating in all the activities to celebrate your relationship and your wedding - she is simply opting out of the “extra” activities- which is perfectly OK. And if she has friends there that she never gets to see, I don’t blame her for wanting to spend time with them while she can! Tbh, I would do the exact same thing.

View Quoted Comment I think that is outrageous. If you want to have a friends trip, don’t ask me to buy your tickets and hotels.

View Quoted Comment I mean, you asked for honest opinions, and I gave mine. We also had a destination wedding. My brother had an old classmate who lived in that area, and he actually left my reception a little early to meet up with her. He also opted out of the “extra” activity we planned for the following day so that she could show him around, spend time with her, etc. There were no hard feelings. On the contrary, I was extremely happy for him that he got to see his old friend and have some fun! He showed up and supported us during the welcome dinner and the ceremony/reception. By no means did I feel that my wedding meant that I owned my brother or got to dictate how he spent his time thereafter. Honestly, had he felt guilted into staying with the group the entire time, and missed out on seeing his friend, I would have forced him to leave! I wanted my loved ones to feel like guests, not prisoners. By trying to control how they spend all their time abroad, you are overstepping. Just because you paid for them to get to, and from your event, does not mean that you get to control how they spend their time after your event. And honestly, I would think you would want to encourage your sister to have fun and see her friends. She will see you and the rest of your family all the time – but when will she be at the Amalfi coast again? I think you are being immature and selfish.

If your family paid their way then I would say they should be able to do whatever they wanted (aside from wedding events). However, since you paid for their travel and accomodations (curious to know the story behind that when all you wanted was an elopement), then I think you have every right to expect your family to be part of what you planned for the week, but I do think your sister-in- law should be able to have at least a day with friends or dinner/evenings with her friends.

View Quoted Comment Did your guests invite themselves to what was meant to be an elopement, then expect you to pay for their travel, then inform you that they’d essentially be having a separate girls trip with friends outside of the wedding? Doesn’t sound like you’re understanding my situation or why I’m upset. Thanks for your input regardless.

View Quoted Comment This is precisely why I’m struggling with the situation. This was meant to be an elopement (hence the location) yet our guests persisted on being included, then expected us to pay their way. While we could have declined, in the end we decided having close family there would be worth the investment.


While I don’t mind if my sister in law visits her friends during the trip, I am irked that she is completely leaving the group for the bulk of the trip to be with friends. I feel like I was “tricked” into paying for her girls vacation, which is why I’m upset. I have no intention of controlling my guests but if I’m paying thousands for you to show up, I do expect you to adhere to the provided itinerary for the majority of the time.
Guess there’s multiple ways to look at it but i feel deceived

View Quoted Comment Actually, yes. We wanted to have a private elopement, but our families really wanted to be present. So yes, we paid for their travel to our destination wedding. Bottom line, it was a choice we (and you) made to include them and pay. You didn’t have to- you chose to. You don’t get to use that choice as leverage over them to control them. If your “kind” gesture came with strings attached (ie, if I pay for your travel expenses, then I own you the entire time you are there), they should have all been made aware of that beforehand. Your sister is still traveling abroad for you. She is still showing up to all of your wedding related events. I think I would show her some grace and kindness, and be happy that she will get to see her friends. I definitely would not create a stink, and a rift in my relationship with my sibling, because I want to control her with my money. Your wedding should be a joyous event. Enjoy it! And don’t worry about what other people are doing after. You should be focused on having fun with your new husband – not on what everyone else is doing. TBH, you would be better off not planning any extra events at all. Just spend that time with your new husband and enjoying not having to be a host anymore.

View Quoted Comment Again, thanks for your opinion but I disagree. You’ve made your point at least 3 times so we’re good

View Quoted Comment You asked me a question sweetheart, so I answered it. Good luck with the wedding and your future relationship with your SIL. I hope you find a way for it all to work out positively.

Your SIL is taking her time and energy to be with you at your wedding. That's the important part, and it seems like she's doing that. I think that your offer to fly her out etc came with strings that she wasn't aware of. I would focus on the people that are going to do the extra activities and let this go. Your resentment may end up affecting how you feel at the wedding and your relationship with her moving forward. She is going to be in your family for a long time.

Just cancel all of the extra unnecessary activities. As much as you may not like it, this is a vacation for your guests. Your wedding is one day, and your guests should be free to do whatever they want for the rest of the trip. Focus on your FS and your wedding and trust that your guests are adults who are capable of entertaining themselves the rest of the time. You don't need to deal with the extra irritation and stress that results from a group of people in forced proximity together for a week, nor do you need the stress of having to play host to everyone during these activities on the week of your wedding.

I think your future SIL is being inconsiderate and taking advantage, yes. It was a very generous gesture of you and your future husband to pay for everyone, and what should they do in return? Spend time together, quality time. Wanting that doesn’t mean that you’re being controlling at all. They really wanted to be included in your wedding, so what’s the need for her to be hanging out with friends? There will be other opportunities for her to do that, not on your wedding trip. If I were you, I would just let her hang out with her friends since you cannot tell her what to do, but I hope you learn your lesson and be more careful the next time. When it comes to money, people take advantage of everything, even family. Get your refund for the rest of the activities, and whoever wants to go to your plans, let them pay for themselves! Hopefully, your future SIL really goes out to hang out with her friends and don’t be so fresh to bring them to your activities, too, without asking you first. Good luck!

I completely agree with Cece and Jacks. If your offer was conditional on your sister not only being there for wedding related activities but a whole week of togetherness, unreasonable as IMO that would have been you should have at least been up front about it.


Even though you are paying her way she may still be taking time off and using up precious vacation days for a trip you chose at a time you chose with people you and FI invited. You paid for her to come to your wedding, not to be joined at the hip for a week. You offered and at this point it IS her vacation too.

Did your family have any input into these activities that you’re doing, or did you and FS just dictate what the schedule would be? People have very different approaches to vacations, anywhere from getting up super early and having every single second planned to being more spontaneous as they see and hear about things once they’re there to sleeping in late and lounging by the pool/beach. I already find it hard to believe that a group of 16 people agreed to every aspect of this trip (have you seen the number of bachelorette drama posts when we’re talking groups of 4/5 with differing opinions)? Even if you’re paying, which is generous but ultimately a choice, then you’ve turned this from a vacation that the whole family can enjoy, sometimes together and sometimes not, and turned it into a trip serving your own interests that you’re imposing on everyone else. As long as your FSIL is attending your wedding events, let her use her time (likely her limited paid time off and vacation time for the year) to make this trip worthwhile to her. And save yourself some money by letting your other guests do the same!