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Savvy September 2023

Sister Doesn’t Like my Future Husband

Sophia, on August 31, 2022 at 11:29 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 6

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My middle sister (2 yrs older) is not a fan of my FH. She has flat out told me (@ the very beginning & about a yr into the relationship) that she didn’t like him but was unable to give good reasons. All my friends & other family members like him.
He & I have been together about 2 1/2 yrs - so she’s had time to get over it & has chosen not to - even tho she said from the start that she’d try. FH has tried to get to know her & has only ever been nice to her & she gives short replies or sometimes doesn’t even respond.
Our theories: she’s 1. Jealous that I spend less time with her now 2. Potentially jealous that I’m getting married before her (she’s never been on a date & I’ve wondered if that bothers her) 3. Upset because she hates his political views (hate is not used lightly there.)She & I used to be super close but the more she disliked my FH, the less I wanted to hang out with her…I try to still stay involved but the relationship is different & I can understand why that would be hard for her.Also - She is very introverted & doesn’t like talking about her feelings & also shuts down quickly when in emotional conversations.My family gets together every Sunday afternoon for lunch. That’s just a bit too much for me & FH so we try to make sure we see my family at least twice a month. My family has passive aggressively made it clear that they think we don’t come over enough. FH & I surprised my family with the news of the engagement the morning after he proposed (we were already planning to go over that day so it worked out great. My parents knew it would happen soon but not exactly even) & everyone was excited except my middle sister who simply said “yeah I figured you had gotten engaged because you invited yourself over.” Ouch. I told her I was already planning to come over & it just happened yesterday. I think I got an empty “congrats” or something non-committal like that. Then she was just on her phone any time the engagement was mentioned after that. I sobbed about it on our drive home & later that evening because I was so hurt that she couldn’t put aside her past issues with him (which were founded on nothing, btw) to be happy for her own sister. It sucked so much of my joy about everything because I was so mad and hurt.
So now here’s my thing. She’s still my sister & I love her so much. I plan to ask her, my oldest sister, & my FSIL to be bridesmaids. But I am worried my middle sister will have an attitude, or at least be blatantly unenthused for the wedding & related events. I don’t think she’s bold enough to decline to be in the wedding but a sliver of me wishes she would because I’m honestly still angry for the hurt she’s caused me over all of this not only in the convo mentioned above, but also with her attitude throughout this whole relationship.Any advice on how to go into all this & protect my heart from further hurt?

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Latest activity by Is, on September 6, 2022 at 7:01 PM

Expert October 2023
Bailey · on September 1, 2022 at 8:48 AM
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When is your wedding? If you have enough time to wait it out for a while, don't ask anybody to be in it yet. Let the dust settle with your middle sister. Pull back from her relationship and allow her to set the boundaries: if she only wants to see you once a month, let that be on her, not you. Let her decide if you guys are going to have a sisterly relationship over the next few months or so.
In the meantime, shake off her comments and don't allow yourself to make your family time schedule around her. If you want to go to your parents house, or visit other siblings, do it. Don't let the tension between her and FH dictate what you do, that's not fair to anyone else who wants to see you!
The reasons you listed as potentially the reasons she's resentful could definitely be true, especially if she's around 22 or younger, or has always been a bit immature/jealous. As your sister, she should be willing and able to put aside her issues with FH and be happy for you. If he's trying, you're trying, and sister isn't....there's your issue. If she has a real reason, she needs to tell you. If she doesn't tell you, there is absolutely nothing you can do about it!
Personally, I would not ask her to be in the party. I can tell you right now, she will 100% cause issues for your wedding events. I know you love her and this hurts you, but please don't let her have power over this.
If you think sitting down with her and talking would be a receptive conversation, explain to her how much this hurts you and ask how you can move forward.
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Super July 2022
Shannon · on September 1, 2022 at 9:13 AM
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I would not ask her to be part of your wedding party. She clearly doesn’t support your relationship and it sounds like she’ll continue to suck the joy out of your entire celebration. She can only do that if you let her.
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Savvy September 2023
Sophia · on September 1, 2022 at 9:17 AM
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Hi Bailey, thanks for the advice!
My middle sister is 27 & I am 25. She & I were so so close growing up so this new change has been really hard. She’s silly & fun with me & my family unless my FH is there - then she’s withdrawn. But then has also said over the past 2 years that she doesn’t feel like she has gotten to know my FH enough (tying in with my family not thinking we come over enough) even though he has tried to interact with her so many times (more for my sake than anything else. He’s good at not caring what other people think but he knows it’s important to me). She & I hung out recently & I almost brought up how her reaction to the engagement hurt me but didn’t. We had a good time but whenever id mention FH she didn’t say much in response.
My oldest sister & I didn’t get along until the past couple years but she has only ever been supportive & kind & was excited for us. I don’t particularly care if my oldest sister is in the bridal party since we’re not super close (we have a good relationship though) but I was in hers & I love her so would be happy to have her involved in the wedding.I’m honestly closest to FSIL so she’s the one out of the three that I *definitely* want in the party. But I think it’d be rude to just ask her & not either of my blood sisters. & I really don’t know if I could just not ask my middle sister to be a bridesmaid…I know my mom thinks that my middle sister should be my MOH but that’s absolutely going to be my BFF & I’m not budging on that.
Middle sister couldn’t make it for legit reasons to the little family engagement party my FMIL threw (first time my family met my FH mom's family) & honestly it was nice to not have her there 😬 since I know she wouldn’t want to be there anyway…FFIL plans to do a similar party for my family & his side (FH’s parents are divorced & both remarried) in the future & I honestly feel like even if my middle sister could make it, she’d find a reason not to go.
But what when it comes to dress shopping & my actual bridal party? She’d probably come to the bachelorette & enjoy it since my FH won’t be there 🙄 I know my MOH will have my back & will not put up with my middle sister’s BS if she sees/hears it during wedding events, but I also just don’t want to deal with it in the first place!
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Rockstar
Rosebud · on September 1, 2022 at 9:47 AM
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This sounds like a hard and sad situation and there's probably multiple things going on here. I agree with Bailey if you have time I would wait on asking anyone for a little bit. Sometimes people just don't click well and thats ok but she should at the very least be polite to him. Are you mostly visiting your family with him, I d maybe go 1x a month alone and have a sisters date, maybe she's feeling sad your relationship with him has changed your relationship with her (which is completely natural to happen but it can be hard for people to accept) and doesn't know how to react to it. Hopefully you and your sister can reconnect. Best of luck to you!
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Super May 2022
Erin · on September 1, 2022 at 11:00 AM
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I’ve seen many brides on here who post about their regrets of asking someone to be in their wedding party. With your middle sister’s attitude history going all the way back to the beginning of your relationship with your FH, I kind of doubt anything will change. If you foresee issues with her being in your wedding party right now, I wouldn’t ask her to be in it. It will probably cause you way more stress than your mother being upset that you didn’t include her. The fact that she does not support your relationship is a MAJOR red flag. Everyone in your wedding party should support your relationship at the very minimum. They are standing by your side at the altar as a symbol of supporting the two of you tying the knot.
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Beginner October 2022
Is · on September 6, 2022 at 7:01 PM
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I so agree with you, Erin. If it were me, I wouldn't ask her to be in it. I had a similar issue with my sister, but she drastically changed her attitude after I was really honest with her and said this is the person I'm marrying, he's not going away and I love him, and I'd really love for you to at least just support me in my decision or be happy for me, otherwise we won't have a relationship anymore. And I think that got my sister to just accept this is what it's going to be and she's actually taken the time to bond with him a bit more and they're now nice to each other (which is a relief!). If my sister didn't change like that, I wouldn't have asked her to be a bridesmaid. But people can surprise you! I would just have a really honest conversation with her, and be compassionate yet firm. If she can't change after that and is more defensive, then it's unfortunate, but it would mean more of a headache for you on the day that's supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life. You don't deserve that
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Sister Doesn’t Like my Future Husband

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