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Master 0000

Simmering, trying not to boil over

Judith, on April 23, 2020 at 10:10 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 1 34
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I have a friend of 19 years who asked me to be her MOH, and though the timing is bad ( even discounting Covid) and money is tight, I really wanted to. Felt terrible trying to say no. She has had a couple of marriages that never happened, and at the time of our wedding, she said no to me because she was pregnant and our day was her due date. Now at 37 a first wedding, after years of wishing and hoping, she is doing it all. And an only daughter, her parents are putting a lot into it. After years of having to drive a couple hours to see each other, she moved near us for a job, and is marrying someone I work with and fixed her up with. I finally said, I will do the shower, with help of a friend. No problem. And take care of my own HMU, no problem. But the dress would have to be $200 or less. Added to a shower, and a large gift we are making them, a moveable wet bar with cabinetry, fridge, that is it. And told her, 2 of our kids need some reconstructive surgery, and because elective, it means a large Co pay. She understood. She said. And another mutual friend 4 hours away in Boston, and 3 of her relatives, are the WP. That friend, like me, has kids needing things. I found later she had said, I will do your bachelorette if you would like us all to go to her family's lake front summer home, wonderful. But if she absorbs that cost, all food and party stuff for 3 days, $200 max for the dress.

Well, she found a dress she just hand to have, I looked at hundreds, this one, only this one. Perfect color style echoes her gown. $450.
MOH lavender grey, BM coral. Sent a note if n mailbox, please, please look. Please the only thing I want, messages, emails phone messages, 6 in 2 days I was away. So when home , getting messages, saw one from my friend the BM. Email starts, do you believe this gal? And opened it to read her saying, didn't you tell me you got the lavender gray of the Madelyn Gardner dress I got in Coral, you were in a relative's wedding, and I was in my sister's in Wyoming? Bride wants that dress, and we both have it. Tell me you did not sell yours. Yup, a dress I paid $375 for, she had paid $425 for the previous year. So we both tell bride terrific. We will wear and get shoes dyed to match, No problem, but no other big expenses. She is happy happy. That was December, wedding next September. So last week someone said something. Don't know who my sister told, who told bride. And she is throwing 9 kinds of hissy fits. We all have to get new dresses. She has picked out different ones. Because we are spoiling her wedding. What kind of friend wears a used dress? Not in my wedding. I want everything new, never worn. I wore the dress once in Montreal, My mom borrowed it for a wedding on short notice ( saw she was wearing the same dress her sister MOB was.) In NYC. Kari wore hers 1 time in Wyoming. Both in perfect condition. I think my friend is being a spoiled brat. The shop her sisters and cousin used in Jan would only not charge for a change if more expensive, so new dresses, same line, will be $500. I think we hit the breaking point. She has this thing now, that since she had to wait all these years while we got married got homes and families, we don't have any respect now that it is her turn. When did my friend go off the deep end? How can she not understand, there is not now, and never has there been, a law saying no dress can be worn more than once. We have the ones she wanted, most perfect yada yada. Now a complete flip. To a more expensive, trendy style neither of us would wear again. Unlike the one we each have. Are virgin dresses a thing. I do not want to rupture a friendship. But I have done showers or other parties for 35-40 for full dinner plus, because some of her friends and family are driving a couple of hours, and need a meal. And her preferences for sirloin tips or Seafood Newburgh are great, easy, but pricey. I still want to do the shower. But can I put my foot down and say No, this dress you asked for, that we have, or Kari and I will continue, me doing shower, her doing bachelorette, each paying the whole bill for our party. But dropping out of WP? I cannot justify another $500, when I have what she swore was the perfect thing, because she is being a baby over my having worn it before. I hate to do it. I am not treating her, or thinking of her as not worth a new dress, because she is not important, nor is Kari. But !!!! And I have had to cut back work hours with 3 kids not in school or 2 in half day preschool. Hubby is going to work, by himself there but needs equipment. Their surgeries are put off for now, but we have the bills coming.

34 Comments

Latest activity by Judith, on May 15, 2020 at 9:10 PM
  • Sylessia
    Dedicated March 2020
    Sylessia ·
    • Flag
    I’m sorry this is happening to you. You have her your budget it wasn’t okay for her to give over it the first time with the other dress. It shouldn’t matter that you wore the dress before because it’s just a dress as long as it matches what she asked for. I would put my foot down and say no to the $500 dress because that’s outrageous for a wedding that is not your own. You need to focus on you and your family’s finances. Her wedding should not cause you unnecessary financial strain.
    • Reply
  • D
    Dedicated December 2022
    Daniel ·
    • Flag
    It is a hard choice but sounds like the stress of everything has gotten to her and she needs a dose of reality. But you know your budget and family first sorry. I can relate as have yo reschedule wedding 3 times I understand the expense for others and my fiancée is so humble and amazing that she is not asking for any of those extras but we have taken all things into consideration and for us at least she changed bridesmaids dress a few times so they are reasonable I think everything less than 100 and we even are helping ones we know rough for but I would say sit her down and talk to her and have to put foot down
    • Reply
  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
    • Flag

    She is overreacting. She loved the dress and you found it, who cares that it was worn? Literally no one at the wedding would be able to tell. I actually looked at resale sites to see if I could find the dress I want for my bridesmaids so they can get it at a cheaper price. I agree with PP $500 is so much. Tell her she can either let you wear the one you have now or find something under $200 as she had promised.

    • Reply
  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
    • Flag
    $500 for a bridesmaid dress?!?! That’s insane. You gave her your all in budget of $200 for a dress. If this is the dress she wants then she needs to cover the other $300. She is being ridiculous about this and needs a serious reality check.
    Good luck!
    • Reply
  • Kathryn
    VIP August 2020
    Kathryn ·
    • Flag
    Pffft she is a bit too into the planning. One of my bridesmaids found her dress on Poshmark, and I applauded her for a good deal. I would remind her of your agreement and says that you told her at the start what you could pay. Explain to her that her wedding is indeed important, but you have financial responsibilities.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    I think stone things are being missed here. This isn't about the dress. It wss mentioned a few times that she waited this long, that others have houses and families, etc. I really think she feels like because she's older that maybe people aren't treating her the same way. I think in her bread she's hearing: this old dress with mileage is good enough for you. We don't need to get new things - we have priorities. I really think if you got excited, reached out to her with cool gestures - like something with bride on it... And realized what a big deal this is for her... She'd settle down. It's not about the dress.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    Sorry for the typos. Lol. On my cell.
    • Reply
  • Rebekah
    Savvy June 2020
    Rebekah ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Yes! Ask her or her parents to cover the amount over $200. Dont jump to dissolving your friendship.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    VIP October 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    She is being really disrespectful toward you. You set out a perfectly reasonable budget and she needs to honor that. It's very reasonable for you to step down at that point or ask her to cover the difference in price. There are other things going on in your life than your friend's wedding. People are losing their jobs and lives right now and more than doubling someone's price for the dress is really unfair. You should set your boundaries down now.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    That is what has stopped me from telling her off. Because she is usually a sane and practical person. And I am not asking to wear something $45 from Walmart. I already have in my closet the very dress she wanted so badly she begged us to pay $425 to get it. I've worn it once. Kari wore hers once. And we agreed to get the satin purses, and shoes, satin, dyed to match . ( $145 more ) And we did. Most of what would have been our $200 dress budget. So she knows we are trying. Nobody, but nobody gets me buying a dress or accessories 9 months before an event, but having the dresses we went right out so we could show, yeah, we ha EA shoes, purses. I volunteered to do the shower the day she asked me, because I know some older brides where nobody seems to think they need them. Unfair. And Kari did the same, volunteering g to do the batch, something we were sure some of her friends who all had them, might not offer for her
    So I do think that is the issue. But I cannot indulge her psyche more in $$. And so far the family BM have not officially changed their order. But how to be more reassuring, I don't know.
    I was thinking maybe it would help if I laid out the menu and guest list for the shower. Since it will be at our home, she can pick the china and have more to say about table looks and fancy tablecloths and such. Ordinarily hosting a shower I would just do that. But maybe an effort to show it is on my mind, this far out? She has been to numerous showers I have given through the years, and five minutes after I offered, asked for a couple of her favorite meals, that we have liquor, and if everyone comes from Boston can we do 45, big for a house. And this summer as long as we can have it at all by August, that is fine e. But so far away, I have done no other plans. Maybe doing so would ease her mind, show we really will do everything we do for any bride. I think her co workers, and family of groom ( widower at 25) think a second marriage 10 years later, even if her first, does not matter. So I think I know the source. But I cannot take it financially, changing dresses over something ridiculous, when she picked her first choice, and we have them.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar September 2020
    Laura ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    I would stall the dress decision. Or offer to dress up with Kari so she canremember why she loved the dress so much. Planning a wedding with Covid chaos is no place to be... I'm a second time bride and my bridal party hasn't reached out at all. No showers, no parties, no mention after having to reschedule. It's lonely and it kind of sucks. I bought myself a bride box subscription. So I at least feel like I'm getting married. Get creative. I really think she needs to settle down and reassurance will help her get there. Also find out who said what to her and direct your anger at them. They hurt all of you.


    Remind her that celebrities wear dresses to multiple functions. Kate Middleton repeats outfits and no one at the event notices. Ask her to try to remember maids dresses from weddings she went to... She won't remember any. Talk to her about accent colors to really set her wedding apart from everyone else's.
    It Will be ok. She's just flipping out. Smiley heart
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag
    Oooh! Think about how we compensate for dress regret. The advice is the same. Get dressed up, do hair and makeup... Etc. I'd rather have a $500 dress for free than a $100 dress that everyone has definitely seen... Things like that will help her get past this.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar September 2020
    Laura ·
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    You are a fantastic friend! Remember- there are brides on here that change their wedding dresses after having bought them. That doesn't mean that bridal party should have to - but the desire to overthink and panic is real. I do think something now to reassure her would go lightyears to making this pass. And still find whoever said something to her - and say your piece. This wasn't kind to her or you or Kari. And there's no mincing words about that!

    • Reply
  • T
    Super April 2021
    Tiger Bride ·
    • Flag

    So you and Kari had spent $400 on bridesmaid dresses for different wedding (one being last year) but gave her a budget of $200 for this wedding? Is it possible she felt slighted by that, like you were willing to spend on someone else's wedding but not hers?

    I think she is definitely being unreasonable but at 37, I suspect there are some other issues going on as well re: wondering if people care about her getting married. I don't think you have to get her a wedding gift if you're in the BP, also.

    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    You know, you are exactly right! The first advice I give people who have dress regret, whom I think did get a great dress first time around, is to do their hair, get their makeup nicely done by a friend, and press that dress that looks a little rumpled from shipping, and put it one for a friendly audience. And Kari and I should do a virtual fahion walk, with our hair up as we each plan to do our own HMU! The reason I went for the dress when another bride was interested but offering lower cost choices too, was because we dress to go out in formal or long evening wear 4-6 times a year, and my sister and Mom who are within 15 min drive to share closets, same size. So each of us would wear it ,2 - 4 times at least . That, and I had just received an unusually large paycheck, and mommy wanted a new dress!
    Thanks to the two posters who made this obvious suggestion I completely overlooked.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Simmering, trying not to boil over 1

    Simmering, trying not to boil over 2
    The dress we already have. I have honey colored skin, jet black hair, and it works.
    This, MG Model.
    • Reply
  • Laura
    Rockstar September 2020
    Laura ·
    • Flag

    It's beautiful! Pimp it out - and have fun... If your hair was up before leave it down. If it was down then put it up. I think a virtual runway is a great idea to show her you care and that you love her. Make sure she has wine or other beverage and have a virtual fashion show. If you have other not as nice dresses in the closet - give them a spin too! Have fun with this! Smiley smile Smiley heart

    • Reply
  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag

    Not that you don't already know this, but your friend is being ridiculous. Even if the dress was under $200, I wouldn't pay for it if I already had it from a previous wedding. And I can't imagine asking someone to pay that much for a new one when they asked me not to go over $200. Would she be ok if you bought a "new" dress from a previously used shop? It would have been worn previously, too. I would tell her that I'd do the shower, attend as a guest, and bow out of the wedding party. If she's already gone back on her word and is throwing fits over the dress, who knows what kind of fits she'll be throwing over the shower and doing your own HMU. At least if you're not in the WP, if she pitches fits over the shower, you can tell her she's free to have someone else take over.

    Hopefully someday she'll regain her senses and realize the position she put you in.

    Weddings. They make people crazy.

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  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    She could only have been slighted after the fact. Because when she was trying to get ahold of me to get me to buy the $425 first dress, knowing Kari and I had said $200 max, we never told her we had each gotten it for someone else's wedding. Kari got to me in time to say, Gee, you are right, bride. It is a really great dress, one I know I would wear again to Hubby's work evening stuff, and to fundraiser balls, or as guest at a formal welling. And maybe worth the bigger expense. And Kari did the same. And when she asked us immediately to get the shoes and bag and have them dyed to match, we did. But not fair to compare to another Bride's wedding where I did not pay for a shower. 50 people, 45 guests plus bride and 4 BM, full dinner and liquor ( plus all the cooking, I own tables and dishes and stuff) . And I am hiring one cook' s helper and server, and a bartender. Have two volunteer friends. So I am not exactly cheaping out on her, paying it all myself, and she picked sirloin tips, and a shrimp, scallops and lobster Newburgh, figure 70 portions. I have done the menu before, not cheap. Plus nice desserts. So maybe I was willing to spend $175 more on a dress for another bride, but her grandmother paid for the shower. Including paying helper and bartender, it will be $600 to $700, for me alone, for this shower, and she knows it. And Kari said she would host bridesmaids and bride, and any 9 other guests of brides choice e Tor a Fri, Sat, Sun weekend at a family lakefront house on on a large lake. Food and liquor, cookout stuff, to buy. And family agreement to use house, they have a professional cleaning lady she will pay to work 1 day with Kari and clean it the day after. So she isn't slighting her either, having asked for a lesser dress budget. But we talked and Kari and I are going to do a video fashion walk in dress #1.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    Doing our own HMU already taken care of. We have been in weddings before twice for mutual friends. She knows she used to insist on doing her own, I do, and Kari too. When she brought up doing it at her mom's house, I said, NO. Non negotiable. She wants a getting ready party and lunch, both mothers, and her stepsisters and cousin, and all of us. 9 am for a 4 pm wedding, reception til midnight. Hard enough to get a babysitter for 5 kids at $20 an hour from 1 :30 pm to 1 am, to arrive at 2:30 for pics. We have a 3 day bachelorette 2 weekends before, 15 people. And Kari has 4 kids, 4-8. Lost cause.
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