Shower invite but not wedding

I personally would feel hurt to be invited to one and not the other. I wouldn’t tell you that, but I wouldn’t go to the pre-wedding events if I’m not invited to the wedding.

Personally, I wouldn’t do that. Even if you say it in a “polite“ manner, the message is still the same (which sounds like: “please come, celebrate and shower me for my wedding, that you aren’t invited to”). So maybe you can invite all of those guests to an anniversary party in a year. But I wouldn’t invite someone to a shower, knowing that I’m not going to send them a wedding invitation.

View Quoted Comment I'm definitely not trying to be gift grabby or anything, I'll say no gifts, I don't care. I'm also calling it a brunch, not a shower. My thought process is the 30 some people we are cutting because of covid are the friends. Family takes priority. The friend from the screenshot was someone who was technically B-List (which I hate that term). If a lot of family members RSVP no then they of course would be invited. It's not that I don't want to invite them, it just that as of right now it's a legal issue.

View Quoted Comment Goodness. You're even saying you hate "b-listing" but you're doing it! That's almost worse than un-inviting guests to the wedding but having them go to a shower. That's making b-listing even more blatantly than inviting them as back ups. It's not nice.

As the bride, you don't plan the shower to begin with. You just show up. It is planned and paid for by whomever chooses of any group already invited, usually either an older female relative or your bridesmaids.

View Quoted Comment We originally sent save the dates way back in 2019 and only 2 or 3 of the people I want to invite did not get a not get an original save the date. Everyone got a "change of plans" and that we were postponing and had an official new date (that we thought would be safe). And the people that are no longer invited who got an original save the date had been told back in April/May that we were in the process of cancelling or postponing. --we are considering doing a Livestream so before we tell them the new date we want to be able to offer that in lieu of actual attendance. And if we do go with Livestream then of course everyone invited to the "bridal brunch" and bachelorette party will be invited to join via Livestream.
But as of right now if I only do those who are currently invited there would only be 3 or 4 friends there. Our bridal party is very small, I have my matron of honor and by 12 year old sister who definitely isn't invited to the bachelorette party.

View Quoted Comment Yes!! Thank you Heather. I definitely want them to still feel loved and despite circumstances they are still included in some sort of wedding activity. I don't care about the presents, just their presence. Over half of these people I haven't seen since precovid.


I know 100 guests sounds like a lot (which it definitely is) but it is literally ALL family. We have a total of 7 different families. We might even have to stager them and give them different times if covid gets worse.

Bridal showers are not the way to make people feel loved or involved...they are specifically about YOU the bride and NOT about the guests. The reception is your way to show love and appreciation to the guests....

If you want people to be involved in something but not the wedding, invite them to some other party or post-wedding celebration...not the bridal shower...

As for the message you got - people are polite. No one will tell you to your face that you're wrong or that they're offended.

View Quoted Comment I knew someone was going to take that completely the wrong way. You must be able to invite every single person you want to your wedding. Wish I had that luxury.

Honestly after reading your comments, this is super confusing...you have an A list, B list, people who got a save the date list, people who didn't get a save the date list, people who got a change of plans list, people who are still invited list, and people who are no longer invited list. Am I missing anyone? It's difficult to keep up.

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Most people on here can't invite everyone they want to their wedding. I'll be having zero friends at my wedding. I will still not be having a B-list or having uninvited people at the shower (though some of my close friends are planning to throw me a bridal brunch). Covid does not change etiquette in this case. I'm looking forward to celebrating with friends after the wedding.

View Quoted Comment Makes sense to me, that's about the size of our combined families too. Seems like people are hung up on the traditional etiquette. Why does it matter if the party is before the wedding or after? Especially if you stick to your plan of calling it a brunch and making sure guests know gifts are not required, this seems like a non-issue. As for the "B-list" thing, everyone has a B-list right now, whether they want to admit that or not. Everyone is considering who they may need to cut and who will not be cut under any circumstances. Ignore the negativity and celebrate with your loved ones the way you want to celebrate.

View Quoted Comment I definitely get and understand it. Don’t even worry about the negative comments because I’m sure you’ll get some if you haven’t already. If they understand and is fine with it, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else on this post thinks as long as you guys have an understanding!

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Yes girl! This 💯

A GF of mine who was never invited to the wedding (originally we were set to get married in HI and now having only 9 people locally due to COVID) offered to do something for me so she planned a bachelorette party for me. It was small due to our local government restrictions, but my gfs who came were also not invited to the wedding either. I didn't have a shower since a lot of our friends won't even consider leaving the house due to the pandemic. But if I did one virtually my gfs said they would have sent or dropped off a gift.


Thankfully we had a large engagement party the month before the world shut down.

Im invited all to the shower and wedding only 40 to the after party. I call rd a lot of my family they preferred it that way the ones that didnt feel comfortable at the shower are not coming but sent a gift in the mail.

View Quoted Comment Who says so? Lol you

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Marcia nailed it ^.

COVID or not, I wouldn’t do it. I think it’s a slap in the face to invite someone to one event but not the actual wedding because it’s essentially reminding/telling them they didn’t make the cut to the wedding. I completely understand that COVID has changed how events are held in this currently climate, but personally I think you will still offend some people by inviting them to only some of the events and not all. To me that’s like telling someone they didn’t get the job, but inviting them to work functions where all the other people who made the cut will be. It’s your decision, but, be prepared that even if you do it as politely as possible, some people may take offense.

I think the point you are missing is that uninviting guests due to Covid is an unfortunate breech of etiquette that many people are sympathetic to given the circumstances; while CHOOSING to have a (smaller) wedding within your financial means is a challenge for most brides in any year, and does not excuse poor etiquette. Can you get away with this situation bc of Covid- probably yes. Should you- that’s your call. Seems like about half of the responders here would be offended (but not say anything) - and this is a sample who know intimately about the costs/challenges of wedding planning 🤷‍♀️.

Unless I was super close to the person and they were backed into a corner by their family (ie family paying for it) I would be incredibly offended by this, especially if it was called a shower.