Taylor
Beginner November 2020

Shower invite but not wedding

Taylor, on September 8, 2020 at 5:26 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 79
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I know under normal circumstances it's tacky to not invite someone to the wedding if they're invited to the shower/bachelorette party. But because I am a budget bride and we are paying for the wedding ourselves we can't afford to invite to all of our friends to the wedding because we both have divorced parents and such large families.
Also now because of COVID our venue has told us we can have no more than 100 guests (original invite list was 130) and we have to make cuts with the extended family.
I've talked to my Matron of Honor and one other friend (who isn't invited to the wedding) and they said it's totally understandable. Has anyone else found themselves in a similar situation? I'm wondering what is the best/politest way of telling someone they aren't invited to the actual wedding (because of COVID limitations) but I still love them and want them to be able to come to the bridal brunch/shower..

79 Comments

Latest activity by Jacks, on June 8, 2021 at 1:41 AM
  • Julie
    VIP February 2020
    Julie ·
    • Flag
    I would not do this. I think it's fine if you have to uninvite them due to pandemic restrictions, but I'd feel second rate (at best) if I were uninvited to the actual ceremony and celebration but then invited to traditional gift giving events
    • Reply
  • Yasmine
    Rockstar October 2020
    Yasmine ·
    • Flag
    I’m sure many people will go against it saying that it’s rude but honestly Covid has cha hes a lot of things. I personally don’t see the problem with it, as long as they understand that they won’t be invited to the wedding. But I definitely wouldn’t invite them to the shower and have them thinking they’re invited to the wedding as well
    • Reply
  • Jana
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
    • Flag
    The etiquette gurus (Miss Manners, Emily Post, etc) all agree that etiquette has not changed because of Covid. Manners and social graces stay the same. There is nothing that makes rude behavior acceptable because we are in a pandemic, and inviting someone to a shower who is not invited to the wedding is never ok.


    The only exception to that is if you are given a shower by coworkers, fellow church members, a social group (book club, etc) you belong to because they want to share in your happiness, and it's rude to turn that down.
    • Reply
  • Belle
    VIP August 2022
    Belle ·
    • Flag
    I would be super disappointed as guest, and super uncomfortable as a bride though...
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    If you want to do something with those that weren't invited to the wedding, maybe do it after the wedding?

    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna ·
    • Flag

    I wouldn't recommend doing this. Showers are gift giving events, and this comes off as gift-grabby to me.

    • Reply
  • Taylor
    Beginner November 2020
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Thanks Yasmine! Knowing at least one stranger understands makes me feel a lot better.

    Here's the conversation with an old co-worker that I still talk to (and snapchat) almost everyday. Shower invite but not wedding 1


    • Reply
  • Marcia
    Expert March 2021
    Marcia ·
    • Flag

    In this case, Covid is not an excuse to invite someone to the shower and not the wedding. You mentioned that you had to limit the guest list due to your ability to afford a larger wedding, in addition to Covid? If the shower hasn't already happened, do not invite those people to the shower. You can celebrate with them afterwards if you would like.

    I think Covid is only an excuse when the shower has already happened or invites have been sent out and then afterwards the venue/government requires you to cut your guest list.

    Also, you aren't having a covid minimony, you are having 100 people. It's not okay to invite the "extra" 30 to a wedding-related gift-giving event, but not the wedding.

    • Reply
  • Marcia
    Expert March 2021
    Marcia ·
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    View Quoted Comment

    Few people will say that they are offended to your face.


    Also, many of us, myself included, are covid brides/grooms. We understand.

    • Reply
  • Katie
    Expert January 2021
    Katie ·
    • Flag
    I know everyone says no, but I think it depends on the hosts and guests. Prior to Covid, my moms friends were planning a shower with mainly their friends (none of whom were invited to wedding). But for them it’s more something they do for each others daughters, so it really wasn’t me requesting people as much as the hosts doing their thing.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Devoted September 2020
    Samantha ·
    • Flag

    I maybe would not word it as a shower, if you understand what I'm saying. I would understand not being invited to a wedding due to COVID restrictions, but to get an invite saying hey still come to my shower to give me gifts seems a little rude. I understand that's not what your intentions are, but guests may it view it that way. Maybe, make it a "non-formal wedding celebration"

    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Yes, all of this. Using COVID as an excuse to invite extra people to your gift-required pre-party but not the wedding is pretty disingenuous.

    You admitted as much yourself: "I know under normal circumstances it's tacky to not invite someone to the wedding if they're invited to the shower/bachelorette party. But because I am a budget bride and we are paying for the wedding ourselves we can't afford to invite to all of our friends to the wedding because we both have divorced parents and such large families."

    Nearly every couple has a budget and has to decide who to invite based on that budget. Having a smaller wedding is fine (although 100 people is NOT a small wedding). Inviting people to give you presents but not inviting them to your wedding? Not fine, whether or not we are in the middle of a pandemic.

    And don't worry, your coworkers and any friends not invited to your wedding are still able to give you gifts if they want to.

    • Reply
  • Jana
    Master October 2022
    Jana ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    If you don't call it what it is, be prepared for of a ton of confused folks and possibly no-shows
    • Reply
  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Everyone’s friends are different and everyone reacts differently until it’s happening directly to them.
    If it were me, I wouldn’t invite anyone to my bach/shower if they weren’t invited to wedding (even if they do say they aren’t offended).
    • Reply
  • H
    Devoted August 2023
    Heather ·
    • Flag
    I think it's fine considering Covid. Most people are understanding of the need to limit the number of wedding guests right now, and personally I would appreciate a bride still wanting to find some way to include me/celebrate with me even if she couldn't invite me to the actual wedding. Plus, these are your close friends and family. They should know you well enough to know you're not just inviting them to get more presents for yourself.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Master November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    So I'm in a situation where we were never going to have a full wedding even before Corona happened because we mutually agreed we would rather invest the money in our honeymoon plus my fiance has bad social anxiety like he doesn't even really want his family they're so we are just doing it a couple of our friends and he graciously allowed me to invite my brother because my father passed away when I was 13 so my brother is the first man in my life. With that said it's all going to depend on your friend Circle because a lot of people can say that's against a etiquette or maybe for them personally and their circle of friends and family would not like that but it depends on yours. What I am doing instead of a bridal shower is I'm having a bridal brunch and my maid of honor and best friend is hosting it. I know my friends know what we are doing and have known from the beginning and they just want to celebrate my upcoming day but those are the friends that I have. For the brunch I don't have a registry and I'm not asking for gifts if anything my maid of honor and I are the ones funding it and we have some party gifts for everyone so basically on our dime we are feeding and giving drinks of the alcoholic kind to my friends. That to me is the way around it because the reason why having a bridal shower when someone's not invited to your wedding is tacky is because usually a shower is for gifts. If you don't expect gifts and you're just throwing a party to celebrate the day I personally don't see that as a problem but again depending on who you talk to you they can consider that to be tacky. I think since one of your friends understand I feel some of your friends might especially because not everyone is willing to spend a ton of money on one day and especially due to the fact that there are restrictions.
    • Reply
  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
    • Flag

    It sounds like you want to use Covid as an excuse to invite extra people to your shower (and get more gifts), but not to the wedding. You said at the beginning that the reason you couldn't invite everyone you wanted was due to budget constraints, not Covid, so it seems like you're using Covid as an excuse. I find this very rude

    • Reply
  • Mrs.a
    Master October 2021
    Mrs.a ·
    • Flag
    Geeze...I’m surprised by the naysayers. I’m going against the grain here and saying it’s completely understandable with Covid. Why wouldn’t you want to party & celebrate with your friends??!!tenor.gif

    • Reply
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
    • Flag
    So...you’re basically using covid as an excuse to gift grab and invite non-wedding guests to your shower? Your friend isn’t going to tell you that you’re being rude, but I’m positive that she thinks so, especially if she knew that your “only so many” guest list is still 100 people. Hard pass on this.
    • Reply
  • Eri
    Super October 2020
    Eri ·
    • Flag

    Did you sent save the dates or anything to the people that you are no longer inviting to the wedding?

    We sent our save the dates out in early February. Obviously, a lot changed after that. Instead of inviting 130, we are now only inviting about 40.

    I sent "change of plans" cards to the people that were no longer invited. Some of those people still opted to get us a gift, since they had our wedding website info, which listed registry information. But this was NOT an expectation at all.

    We couldn't even have a shower (and no bachelor/bachelorette parties), and are also paying for the wedding entirely on our own.

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