Should your relationship with your father in law be polite and distant?

My parents raised us to be polite, respectful and to have manners. Even if we weren’t millionaires, our attitudes speak volumes. I’ve written on here before that we’re currently living with the in laws to save for a house. It’s either we get a really nice condo or save for a house (and we’re getting close!). They have a big, 3 story home and we’re downstairs. For the most part, they leave us alone. I’ve never had a problem with his mom. I think she knows that I’m someone who’s private and she doesn’t pry. I do share things with her now and then. His father...is a different story.


I’ve always kept my distance and remained respectful. I am now learning that me being an in law makes no difference in him being an emotional vampire. He doesn’t respect boundaries (will bother me for a conversation when I’m working from home- like the door is closed and he will just call my name 5 times until I come out or answer. I’m polite so I listen a little bit when I tell him I need to get back to work, he’ll tell ME to go to back to work), needs constant attention and is a control freak. He constantly complains to me about my husband and I (it’s really him over-communicating) and he’s draining to be around (he literally complained to me about his friends dumped him bc they said he was bossy/controlling). He told me I annoyed him bc I was too respectful with my manners. I am certainly not a doormat and told him otherwise but if manners really “annoy” someone, it says a lot about the person. After the incident, I really worked hard to avoid him at all times. He tried to make it up one night by telling me a story about how he got a cut and I just walked by with, “sorry that happened to you” and went down to our space.
He is now acting like a teenage who’s ego I massively punctured. I vented to my friend and she said this was a BLESSING, so now he can give me space and not interact with me anymore. He can’t try to control, boss, or demand things from me like his other children (he will ask them to drop whatever they’re doing in the moment to assist in whatever he asks). I also observed how he is with my husband’s niece (less than 2 years old). She’s scared of dogs. Funny but my SIL (who has a similar attitude to her dad) was blaming my dog for her daughter’s fear. She met my dog when she was 8 months old and I have a very friendly poodle who likes to jump. She was trying to lick her feet and I needed to separate my dog. It doesn’t help that her mom hates dogs. As a dog owner, I was livid when I found out. Anyway, my FIL told his granddaughter to KICK THE TOY DOG bc she’s the one who’s in control, not the “stupid dog”. What kind of person teaches a child this?! It makes me want to be more distant with him at all times. I wouldn’t want my kids to be near him if he teaches his granddaughter animal cruelty! I think my FIL is a narcissist....