Should I bail out of being the maid of honor?

Just tell her that you really wish you could be MOH, but you don't think you can handle the expense. Tell her you are sorry, and you hope she understands. Not much else you can do after that.

Agreed, if you cannot afford it, then just be honest with her and let her know. If she's a good friend she will, yes, be disappointed that you will not be able to be there on her big day but she will understand. Be honest with her and your financial situation.

Totally thought this was going to involve bail...like from jail.

If you can't afford it, you can't afford it. There's no reason to sacrifice your financial future for a wedding. Maybe people won't agree with me on this, but if she's reasonable, she will understand. My first wedding was a destination wedding that would have cost my friends 3k+ to go. They couldn't go and I understood.

Finances are a completely legit reason to back out of being in a bridal party. Even if you were better off, that is a LOT of money to ask someone to spend. If I were that bride, I would be completely understanding. I think you shuold just be honest with her. Tell her how much you care about her and how much you really want to be there, but also tell her the truth and that you just cannot commit that amount of money. It's better for you to cancel now than closer to the wedding.

Good luck!!

Just be honest with her - she will understand.

OP here: How about bailing out of the wedding altogether? I'll be checking the flight prices everyday, but the tickets only get so cheap if it's going to be transcontinental. A typical ticket will be twice my rent, and I'm frankly really scared of spending that much. I've never spent that much on myself, let alone other people. I'm also annoyed at the bride for not taking any of her people into consideration, since she'll be asking 50-100 people to shell out 2k to watch her get married. Because of my job, I'd be at this foreign country for two days, then I'd have to return, so "this is your vacation" argument doesn't even work in my situation!

Just thoroughly explain it. Write out the expenses like you did for us. Then say you're sorry but you just can't afford the typical MOH expenses on top of travel. I'm sure she will understand. Maybe she will offer to help if she can, or offer to forgo the bachelorette and shower. Since she's been your friend so long I'm sure she will understand, even if she is disappointed.

She has to expect some people can't travel like that. It's not that you don't want to go but you have to think of your family too and they are your priority.

To your last post...I would definitely bail. I make about what you do and I could never afford that. When people have DW they have to accept that a lot of people won't be able to make it due to the expense.

If a Bride gets upset that some of her guests cannot afford to travel, then let her stew in her own anger. Travelling costs a lot of money and requires more time from people, so she should understand that you cannot even attend her wedding. Just be sure to say it nicely, and tell her that you lover and wished you could be there to support her and her FH.

When our plans changed to a DW I had a heart to heart with my one bridesmaid, MoH person, and told her that I completely understood if she couldn't go due to finances. Also, before I talked with her, FH and I had a conversation about what, if anything, we'd take care of for her since I knew that she was in a temp/contracting job, so I was able to tell her we'd cover her airfare and her dress.

Be honest - she'll be bummed, she asked you because she wanted you there, but more than likely she'll understand. Good luck!

Is it a reasonable thing to offer to get her a really nice wedding gift instead? Even if I spent $1000 on her wedding gift, it's still less than a third of what I would have to spend to be at her wedding. I just feel terrible because I'm her best friend, and she is mine. I didn't realize that she would want to have her wedding abroad altogether, and I had been excited about it, so I feel that I led her on. But using up 1/6 of your TOTAL YEARLY EARNINGS for a wedding sounds completely ridiculous.

I'm definitely hoping that she'll offer to cover airfare or hotel or something (finances are the ONLY reason that I'm hesitating to attend her wedding. Everything else I'll make do), but I know that her situation is pretty tight too. And deep inside, I've always wondered whether her FH will be a deadbeat, since he doesn't have a job, nor does he make a lot of effort to find one. So I don't want to be a burden to her.

Woah, back the bus up here.

they're doing a DW and... he doesn't have a job?

Are you crazy?! lol Friends understand the limitations on finances. If you feel that a 1k gift is appropriate, then by all means, but IMO that's way too much!

Nope. I'm really happy for my friend because I know that she always wanted to get married early and have kids, but I don't like the FH at all. So although the wedding planning is well underway, I'm not sure how I feel about them getting married. That has nothing to do with my wanting to bail out of MoH duties, though (or not being able to go to the wedding)

@Janeen, I guess I want to show her that I support her, and that I love her with all my heart. And 1k is tiny compared to what I'd be asked to spend just by attending her wedding, even if I weren't a MoH!

Suggestion: Have her over for wine and girl talk. Lay everything out that is financially pertinent to you. Most likely, if she hasn't offered to pay yet, she isn't going to.

A DW can be done effectively and ... maybe not as inexpensive as a home wedding, but it is possible. You can look into hostels instead of a hotel, or splurge on a hotel for one night, depending on the city (I travelled a lot and loved hostels, but there are some countries/cities that I'd be very cautious about). You can stay for a shorter period of time. You have some options, but not a lot.

I thought about hostels, but I'd be traveling with several fancy clothes & shoes, and valuable documents, and whatnot. I'm not sure if I would feel safe in a hostel. And hotel prices are pretty ridiculous in the groom's city!

Her wedding is only half DW, since all of the groom's family and friends would be in that city. But it puts a tremendous burden on everyone on the bride's side, and I think that if we all pooled money together, we could easily host a second wedding in the bride's city. But of course, that's not polite...

You can definitely show her that you support her and love her with all your heart....without giving a huge gift. Your business, of course, but the way you're describing it, it comes off as if it's a huge gift out of guilt.