Semi Formal to Formal; apparently i'm wrong to include that!

Perhaps your FH's Aunt and FMIL are just anticipating that they know their side of the family so well that they feel that they can predict the reaction.. however, in saying that... I think that people can sometimes suprise. FH's side of the family are all generally quite informal to the point where FH's dad has worn blue jean to formal weddings of some of our friends. I was not going to throw a stink if FH's dad insisted on wearing jeans to our wedding as that just is who he is however, he is the first one who advised that he would rent a tux for our wedding (which would actually be TOO formal for our wedding so I told him he'd probably be best to choose a suit).

So, if you sent our your invites citing Semi-Formal attire and some of FH's family showed up in casual clothes, would they still be allowed to attend? Would you be offended?

What do you mean when you say semi-formal? I'm a big believer in no jeans or sneakers (except for brand new Converses for the bridal party like I did), but I don't consider that semi formal as much as Sunday church clothes, ya know?

But if you do want it to be formal, as in suits and ties and dress shoes, I do agree that can be a bit of a burden for some guests. I have nothing that actually qualifies as formal, but we can certainly do semi-formal, cocktail, or just plain Dress Appropriately For a Wedding (which should be an attire style.)

I think if you can better define what it is you actually want, you may have a better response from you FMIL.

I mean like any bride you have this vision in your head, and sometimes they play out and sometimes they don't. I mean business attire is fine, cocktail length dresses for women, dark colors and nothing flashy. To me personally, I would feel a bit offended. I'm not going to lie. I mean FH's family are settled in their ways and they aren't bad ways. But I would appreciate the effort.

It's pretty much a given to dress up unless stated it's casual or beach wedding. At least that's been my experience. Maybe I'm too upity but I always enjoy putting my best dressed foot first. lol.

I did break it down on our wedding website tho....since all of the guests will have to rsvp online..trying to be green. =)

I had all my guests RSVP online and not enough looked at anything but the RSVP and/or registry, so I wouldn't count on having it online to be enough. We asked guests to not take pictures during the ceremony, to not wear jeans and to not bring children. All three happened.

I suggest explaining to your FMIL that you'd like people to dress NICE rather than formal -- the word itself may be throwing her off. Explain that you want people in nice slacks and nice dresses like they'd wear to church or to a work function, and that you DON'T want people in jeans or club clothes. Hopefully her family has at least nicer items in their closet.

Dressing nice for a wedding may be a given to you and me, but ladies have found that it's not always a given for everyone.

@ Just Reenski - the kid thing hopefully doesn't happen....our venue is just too risky for kids under 5. Being by the water, cliff side for the ceremony, docks, etc...just too much. I know the only kids I've allowed are my neices and nephews but my FH and I agree on no kids under 5 and so far everyone in the w.party is game on pushing that parents too...but i'm sure there will be some slips.

Oh if I throw out the word church, then I should definitely be good....may even throw out Christmas Eve Service...then that might trigger a reaction.

If you're trying to avoid kids, too, tell people. We only had one child brought, he was well behaved, but it was the one couple that I managed to not see in the nearly year leading up to the wedding to make sure they knew kids weren't invited. My MIL tried getting in touch with them, so dunno what happened. But all other guests with children made arrangements with no issue. Definitely don't trust the website for that.

Then I'd say use the word church clothes -- it sounds like the word formal is what was throwing her off, people think that to be very hoity toity and expensive. If saying church clothes gets people dressing right, then church clothes it is!

If it's that important to you, I would simply state: Dressy Attire Requested

I don't personally believe invitations should create barriers to attendance. Is it more important for your relatives to attend or for you to have people decline because they don't own semi or formal attire? You can create a lot of hard feelings with your FH's family over this that can have long-lasting ramifications for your relationship with them.

I would hate for anyone to feel excluded from my daughter's wedding because they felt pressured by a dress code. If someone attends in something unsuitable and someone probably will, it's not life-altering. If they dress sloppily it reflects on them, if they don't own a suit for whatever reason, none of which should be an issue.

Invite people because you want them there not because of their fashion sense. These things are not worth getting upset about IMO.

Attendance is important....I'm sort of rolling alongside what my FH and I both want.

Well according to my FMIL and I quote "weddings and having kids aren't important in our family. we do not celebrate those achievements the way you do. So don't be surprised if my family doesn't attend." NOW, she said it mildly, but it was a slap in the face to me.

Yeah we expect people to dress comfortably and their presence on our big day is what is most important.

While I'm sure your FMIL's statement was awkward for you, it's her value not yours.

It may very well be that they don't celebrate events or if they are in a different socio-economic situation than your family and are using the attire issue as a means to distance themselves from a situation they may be insecure about. There's not much you can do about either or anything else that may be the driver for her comments.

I hope you are able to make your plans to suit yourself and your FH and have the day of your dreams despite all the resistance from your FH's family.