Save the date Vs invitation

In this case I would skip the STDs entirely, but almost every part of your post is considered very rude. A B-lister will figure out that they were b-listed and get offended. Also, everyone that gets a save the date must get an invitation.

Please dont do this. It's so rude. You're basically telling guests that they arent as important as other guests. Also, the logistics just dont work. Would you have two seperate RSVP dates? What if A listers dont respond fast? Just a mess all around.

If you decide to do this against the advice you will get on this forum, 100% do not send your B list guests a STD if they arent definately going to get an invite. That's even more hurtful. I would seriously question my relationship with someone if they sent me a STD for an event and then didnt invite me to said event.

View Quoted Comment It's not that they aren't as important, it's that we are having a wedding in a state where NONE of our guests live, and we are trying to keep it smaller but both have large families. It's not about being more important, it's about our immediate family and closest friends Vs distant. I was just confused about the save the dates.

View Quoted Comment But by inviting people second you are telling them they're less important and that's how they're going to feel. There have been countless stories on here about this blowing up in people's faces. Just trying to save you from hurting people you care about.

Invite the amount of people you can afford and leave it at that. B listing is never okay.

Definitely do not send a save the date to someone unless you are SURE that they will be getting an invitation. While we aren't B-listing anyone, there were some people we weren't sure if we'd be inviting or not, so we did not send them save the dates. Once you send a save the date, you are locked in to inviting that person.

In terms of B-listing, I had originally thought I may do this, but then realized the way I see it, if someone is important enough to invite to your wedding, they should be important enough to invite to begin with. I can't bring myself to rank my family and friends in terms of who is definitely invited and who is a backup. I wouldn't want the presence of anyone important to me to be determined by the lack thereof presence of other people in my life... I feel like if I didn't care enough to invite people to begin with, they just aren't important enough to invite at all.

That's the way I see it, so just something to think about. I strongly advise against having a B-list, but if you are set on having it, please make sure:

(1) you don't send a save the date to the people on the B-list

(2) the people on the B-list are NOT people who know anyone on the A-list, since they could talk to people who were on the A-list and find out that they were not in the original batch of invites and be very hurt

(3) you have to send your invites out very early, since you'd still have to send the B-list invitations at least 6 weeks before your RSVP date... less time than that, and those people will know they were B-listed

No, sending a Save the Date and not an invite to someone is extremely rude. Really, so is B-listing someone because they will probably know they are B list when they get the invite later than A list.

As PP have said, just don't do it. There were some guests we weren't sure if we should invite or not (long story, very rocky relationships, but could be ok before invites go out), so we didn't send those few save the dates, but they might get an invitation when they go out. As for deliberately creating two lists, that's a no. Either they should be invited from the start or not at all. Totally understand wanting to invite everyone, but not being able to, but that's where the guest list should be cut.

If you do decide to do this, don't send save the dates. B-list group will find out and your peaceful wedding planning will turn into chaos.

I agree with all PPs. Don't do this. Any of this.

I agree with PPs too. This is rude and logistically impossible. You’d need RSVPs from “A listers” far too early. Also, even if they’re different families/social circles, “B listers” are likely to realize that they didn’t make the initial cut. My friend was just recently invited to a wedding this way (she knew she was B list because she got the invite just a few weeks before and no STD), and she was super offended, didn’t even consider going.

Can you just talk to your families to get a sense of how many will likely come? My family is a few states away, so we talked to everyone to get an idea of how many people thought they’d make the trip, so we knew how many we could invite to stay around our target size. They’re not formal RSVPs, but it’s enough to get a good estimate.

I have to second what others are saying, B-listing is really rude, and you don't want to send out Save The Dates to someone who's not getting an invite. If they turn something else down to save the date for your wedding and then you don't invite them?

We wanted a really small wedding as well, we're inviting a few more then we really wanted, but they're all people we know and love and would want at our wedding. Part of that is having talked to our out of town guests and finding out who isn't planning on traveling.

You're wedding isn't going to come out of the blue for your family, there will be people who tell you that they won't be able to come before you need to send out your invitations, which can help you when you send out invites.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, the last part of your comment clears a lot up. I'm pretty young, and have only been to a total of 3 weddings. I really don't know much about it and didn't know that people would RSVP before we even sent the invitations.

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Its less of a formal RSVP and more of a like "Sweetie, I know your getting married and I love you, but your getting married really far away and your grandpa can't travel that far" kind of thing.

Or if you're me "honey, your grandpa doesn't approve of lesbianism, he won't come."

View Quoted Comment So would I send out save the dates and then if they say they can't come I don't send them an invitation or would I still send it out of formality?

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We're still sending invitations, because its polite, and we still want them there. Like if they change their minds we still want them to come.

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I would be careful with this too. Some people will say no and mean it but others may say "hey! guess what we can come now" and then you're in a jam having more people than you expected.

Everyone who gets a STD gets an invite. You may also run into that issue based on verbal invites/conversations as well.

I'm glad you're here and asking questions. Please remember these people are just trying to help you have a nice wedding that won't offend anyone. No one is making a comment meant to hurt you or tear you down - they just want you not to hurt the people you care about in the name of a wedding!

View Quoted Comment We talked to people. And got definitely cannot come, maybe, definitely yes. We based our list on maybes plus yeses, then added on the people we wanted but not on the closest family and friends list. Very few declines, because we had screened out so many. If you do not know 90% of the people on your list well enough to talk to them, say we realize that with a wedding where most everyone must travel, we have no way of knowing whether to plan for 60 or 160. But we know many people already know they will have conflicts, will have to work, ( or anything special to them, like, close to your daughter's graduation, or someone' bar exam or professional board exams, son's wedding.) So we are making preplanning calls, and anyone who wants to come and does not know of conflicts at this time, we will send invitations. That kind of phone call, some will know immediately, other will call you back, much more likely than responding to texts or email. You having inserted the personal touch with a phone call , makes people think they need to get back to you. Start with your A list phone calls. Any definite declines, add someone from B list to your phone list. This is advance planning, and phone calls will be spread over a couple weeks. But planning with ballpark numbers will be easier, and come invitation time you will only send invitations to yes and maybe people, plus the few you did not feel comfortable calling in advance. Father's boss whom you have known all your life, but only invited because of father, someone you work with who may no longer be around come the wedding. These are that 10% you were not comfortable calling. It really made life so much easier. We made calls between 5 and 4 months out, since we married 5 months after becoming engaged. So many people were clear on schedule. But we each had multiple weddings among family that year. So some people without specific plans said, you know, we already committed to going to 6 weddings in 5 months, and promised kids we would leave all other weekends to do things with them. Fair enough, you have to be prepared to say, that is understandable. We wont send you an invitation, then. You do need to make your kids a priority. Unlike written declines where they need never tell you why, and you can sputter in pro ate when you open the decline RSVP, over the phone they may tell you, and you cannot comment except to say they are doing the right thing. But B listing has been considered rude forever, at the final invitation stage. But informally sounding out people is okay if done politely. You want to save a place for them if it is at all possible they will come. This will cut your declines to final invitations way down, to the few you need to keep open in case someone gets engaged or married, suddenly, and you have to invite a few extra SO of people you want as priority guests.

Personally, I could never do A and B list, because I wouldn't know how to deal if people caught on that they were B-listed. Everyone we invited are people I'd want there either way, and not just only if other people couldn't make it. Do you really want them there if they're only there to fill space? In that case, I'd personally prefer to save the money and have less people period.

Anyway, no one can really tell you what to do, and if your mind is already made up, I suggest you only send STDs to the A list, or not send any STDs at all. You don't want to send STDs to B-list people if there's a chance they may not even get an invite.