Ring struggle.

View Quoted Comment I see no problem with her buying herself a ring, and said so above. But expecting him to change the one he is giving as a gift at time of engagement, because it is not a diamond, is different. Lots of people have costume jewelry, or other stones, and are happy with them. They prefer the looks of a bigger stone than they could afford if it were a diamond. Diamonds are not a requirement, except to the diamond industry selling them. It is, first and foremost, a gift. She can buy another ring with a diamond any time she wants, provided the cost does not set her back on her saving money for a wedding. Giving back a gift and asking that it be exchanged for something that costs a heck of a lot more, is generally not appreciated. And with a sentimental ring, it hurts.

View Quoted Comment Love that response!

Well, no, you said "down the line" she could buy herself a "cocktail ring", which is generally interpreted as a ring that isn't worn on the left ring finger. And I think saying buying herself a ring can't interfere with saving for a wedding is a ridiculous threshold. Perhaps a nice ring which she can keep is more of a priority than a wedding (which is very different than a marriage). Perhaps she would rather have a longer engagement and buy herself a ring she likes. It seems rather arbitrary to decide it can't interfere at all with saving for a wedding, which is as unnecessary as a diamond ring.


Let's take your arguement and apply it to other things a woman wears. Let's say this Valentines Day a man buys his partner lingerie that she is uncomfortable wearing. It is a gift given in love and he shouldn't *have* to spend his hard earned money on anything for Valentines Day. Should she shut up and wear it anyway, despite her discomfort? Should protecting his feelings take precedence over her comfort? Should she only buy her own lingerie "down the line" after wearing what he gifted her for awhile? Should she only buy herself lingerie that makes her feel good if it doesn't interfere with saving for a wedding? Applying your arguement to a ring doesn't make anymore sense than applying it to lingerie.

View Quoted Comment

See I don't think lingerie is a good comparison because even the nicest lingerie set won't cost 1/4th of what a ring cost. I think what makes this such a difficult decision is the fact that engagement rings are expensive.

I think she should talk to him and be honest, BUT, if he gets hurt, or defensive or upset, she will need to accept any of these reactions. Think about it... society never expects women to go out of their way to buy something expensive for their future husband. Even if he sees your point, but it hurts or offends him, she will need to VALIDATE his feelings. And if he insists her ring is perfect as it is, she may need to just wear it until a problem occurs or choose to upgrade it on her own. The most important thing is that she validates his reaction if he seems hurt. Don't get mad if you're unable to change his mind about the quality of the ring or your desire to change it. After all, while social custom expects engagement rings, they aren't a legal requirement to getting married so if he doesn't think his gift needs altering, she will have to decide if she's willing to wait for potential issues or upgrade on your own.

I think the best thing to do is talk this out with him. I also see this as you being a little hurt because after showing him things you like he picked out something completely different. I mean its all nice to try and swing this as some big romantic gesture that he picked out this ring with his heart and what not but if at the end of the day you don't like the ring you don't like it.

You're going to drive yourself silly trying to fall in love with this ring because it's going to end up being a reminder that he didn't pay attention to anything you said when showing him the rings you really like. So time to buck up and have an honest but polite conversation. Communication is key but so is understanding and I think that's what you are looking for trying to understand why this was the ring he picked and if he read reviews and how he came to pick this site. I would listen to that before you tell him you aren't in love with your ring then maybe you can find common ground. His feelings might get hurt but I think they would be more hurt if he found out you loathed putting on your ring and never told him until its like 6 years from now.

View Quoted Comment I would wear that lingerie, as long as it fit. At least several times. To show that I appreciated his thoughtfulness, and that he finds me sexy enough to want me to flaunt it when with him. And soon I would buy something I liked to wear that was equally sexy, just that I was happier wearing. And say that part of the thrill of sexy lingerie was novelty, and since he obviously liked it before, this time I got something . But I would never say, I don't like this. There is a set 4 times as expensive, real high quality silk not poly imitation silk, and I want that not his choice if gift. ****
Yes, we do have a very different philosophy on gifts. ****And a cocktail ring is a term for any nice ring, often gemstone, that is not given by someone for a special occasion like marriage or engagement, and worn because the owner likes its looks. If she buys herself a diamond ring later, rather than requiring he upgrade hers now. Cocktail rings can be worn on any finger, including either ring finger.

I'd definitely mention it. It seems strange to me that he would purposely get a "fake" diamond to ask you to marry him, especially if you were clear about what you wanted. It might be that he just doesn't research things as thoroughly as you do (I research the crap outta everything, whereas my FH doesn't so much), and could be an innocent naive ignorant mistake, or it could be something more. Maybe you have different values, and he doesn't see the point in spending a lot of money on a gemstone whereas to you a diamond is a symbol of his love and commitment. It doesn't sound like you were asking for anything extraordinary what would justify him feeling like it was a ridiculous request (like if you wanted a huge flawless stone that was 6 months salary, I'd say you need a reality check girlfriend, but that doesn't sound like the case here). Regardless, I don't think you should have to wear something you hate, especially if it is supposed to be symbolic of your relationship.

I'd mention it and just say you are so excited that he wants to marry you but that you are concerned about the quality of the ring. If he feels like you are being spoiled or ungrateful, I'd tell him that you read reviews and are concerned that the stone will fall out. You can explain that you don't feel like he has to spend a fortune on you, but that having a well made ring with a durable, genuine stone (whether wild diamond, lab created diamond, moissanite, or an alternative hard gemstone like morganite, sapphire, etc.) is important to you if its designed to reflect your lifelong commitment to one another. He may be upset that you are unhappy, but this is a conversation you need to have. If you cannot see eye to eye on a ring, and you can't see where he's coming from and he can't see where you are coming from and you can't find a middle ground you are both happy with (maybe it's a smaller lab created diamond than the original stone you wanted, or a smaller stone with a halo of white sapphires instead of a big solitare diamond), then that would kind of make me question what other values you have that might not align and you might have difficulty compromising on in the future.

Good luck!

View Quoted Comment

This is so good!!