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Tracee
Just Said Yes June 2021

Removing bridesmaids?

Tracee, on January 18, 2021 at 12:05 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 23
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Long story short - around May 2020 I asked 3 friends to be bridesmaids, then July 2020 suddenly my fiancé’s mother passed away.
Since her passing we are not wanting to do any sort of wedding planning so we decided on keeping things untraditional and small - our parents, my kids, our grandparents and his siblings. This would be fine except we have three bridesmaids that we need to “fire,” for a lack of a better word.(Thankfully he had never gotten around to asking his groomsmen.)
I know it is rude as can be but without his mom everything in our lives has changed and we just don’t want to follow through with our larger wedding at all. I’m just at a loss and he is too. I’m sure they’ll understand but I don’t know where to even start at this point.Advice? Suggestions? Support?

23 Comments

Latest activity by Tracee, on January 21, 2021 at 3:46 PM
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
    • Flag
    Well hear the question I have for you. Did they already purchased any dresses or anything like that? If not, you are not firing them rather you were changing your wedding plans. I think honestly I would just invite them over to your house for maybe you like some cheese and crackers or maybe meet up for brunch or even a simple call them all individually and just explain to them what you told us. If they are good friends they should be understanding. The only way they might not understand is if they already purchased bridesmaid dresses.
    • Reply
  • M
    VIP January 2019
    Maggie ·
    • Flag

    I am definitely not in favor of "firing" bridesmaids for most reasons, and especially if the wedding is going to be the same large deal with a bridal party. But your situation is very different; you are downsizing your wedding for very understandable reasons and you aren't planning to replace these bridesmaids with other people.

    These people are your closest friends. Explain your plans to them; they will understand. They might be disappointed not to be able to attend your wedding, but that is understandable, too. If they are your true friends they will accept your new plan and come to terms with their disappointment.

    • Reply
  • Tracee
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Tracee ·
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    Nothing at all has been purchased yet, thankfully. Thank you so much for these suggestions, I truly appreciate it.
    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Master October 2022
    Michelle Online ·
    • Flag
    Be aware this a friendship ending move.
    • Reply
  • Tracee
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Tracee ·
    • Flag
    Thank you, both, so much. I’ve been a wreck over this.
    • Reply
  • Tracee
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Tracee ·
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    View Quoted Comment
    That’s not what I am asking, and if after so many years this ends things, that is on them. Thank you for your input though.
    • Reply
  • Kristen
    Rockstar November 2020
    Kristen ·
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    I don't think it's a friendship ending move if the reasoning is that both you and your fiance have decided not to have a bridal party all together rather removing them because you just don't get along with them anymore. Again, I think they are really good friends they will understand your situation and luckily since they have not purchased anything I think you'll be good to go. I feel your reasoning is logical and you're not firing anyone.
    • Reply
  • Chrysta
    Rockstar November 2022
    Chrysta ·
    • Flag
    I agree with Kristen. If dresses haven’t been purchased, it should be a simple heart-felt discussion with your best friends. I’m sure they will understand and support you during this difficult time.
    • Reply
  • Tracee
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Tracee ·
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    Thank you, Kristen!! I’ve been friends with one for 13 years, the others about 6 and 3, so I think this will not be friendship ruining either. They know that him and I are still grieving, as they’re there when I need to talk. I’m just a worrier, and trying to navigate through this as easily as I can.
    • Reply
  • Samantha
    Expert October 2022
    Samantha ·
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    I really don’t think it will be friendship ending. I personally have bee “downsized” out of two weddings due to similar reasons (20 years apart!) and am still good friends with both. For one I even did a lot of bridesmaid stuff for her, I still wanted her to have as wonderful a wedding as she could considering the situation at the time.
    • Reply
  • Lisa
    Rockstar July 2022
    Lisa Online ·
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    I agree with Kristen! I think once you explain the scenario and change in plans to them, they'll be understanding. In many cases, removing people from wedding party is often a friendship ending move, but in this case, I don't think it will be. I would think that they'll be supportive and understanding of the scenario.
    • Reply
  • Katie
    Super August 2021
    Katie Online ·
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    Givin her situation this is not a friendship ending move. It's not like she is replacing them or firing them but still having the big wedding. She is downsizing for very understandable reasons. It's like she said nobody bought anything for the wedding. and if her bridesmaids no longer want to be friends with her over this that's a good thing cause she doesn't need crappy friends like that taking space in her life.


    I'm sure they will all be very understanding on the situation. And be very supportive.
    • Reply
  • Meghan
    Devoted September 2021
    Meghan ·
    • Flag
    My fiancé lost his mom a month after we got engaged. We completely paused wedding planning until recently. Everyone was understanding and from reading your responses I think you’re friends would be supportive. It’s a hard situation and it’s hard watching them mourn without being able to lessen their pain. Even though you’re asking them to step down, dont feel like you still can’t turn to them to talk during this difficult time. I’m sorry for your loss and here if you do need someone to talk to.
    • Reply
  • Hanna
    VIP June 2019
    Hanna Online ·
    • Flag

    While normally, demoting bridesmaids is a friendship-ending move, I think your circumstance is rather unique, and I think they will understand if you simply have a honest heart-to-heart with them. I would think that they'd be supportive of you and your decision.

    • Reply
  • Sharonda
    Rockstar January 2021
    Sharonda ·
    • Flag
    First, let me say I am sorry for your loss. I had a similar situation for different reasons — COVID. I had originally planned a 250 person wedding with 7 bridesmaids and 7 groomsmen. With COVID, we changed our plans to just a 20 person wedding that included only our parents, siblings, aunts, uncles and godparents — and no wedding party. As a result, we had to let our wedding party know that they would not only not be in the wedding, they wouldn’t even be AT the wedding. They had not purchased anything at that point and they were more than understanding. In fact, we called them our “virtual wedding party” and they made more of an effort to make sure my now husband and I had a awesome prewedding experience. My “virtual” bridesmaids planned an awesome bridal brunch, and my husband’s “virtual” best men purchased a couple’s massage for us the day before the wedding. We still recognized them as our wedding party and gave them gifts for working through these changes with us and being so supportive.

    Don’t worry — they are your good friends and will definitely understand and support your decisions.
    • Reply
  • Dj Tanner
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
    • Flag
    Have you ever thought about having some sort of “girls trip “camping for the weekend and then telling them there? If I was in your bridesmaid position I would completely understand and I feel like most would.These are rough times right now and youve also gone through a rough loss. Seeing as how they haven’t purchased anything I think maybe a dinner date etc. and dropping the news. If they are true friends they will understand. ♥️ Wishing you and your fam the best 🙏
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith ·
    • Flag
    Assuming you asked them because they are close to you, ask them to be at your very private ceremony, in any nice clothes they like.
    • Reply
  • A
    Super December 2020
    Anais ·
    • Flag
    This isn’t rude. It’s not like you’re telling them you don’t want them as bridesmaids, you just completely changed your plans. Just explain to them exactly what you told us and that you’re just having a very small wedding with your closest family, that you love them and can’t wait to celebrate with them after the fact.
    We had to uninvite most of our guest list because of Covid and literally everyone understood. We didn’t do it because we hated them, we just did it for their safety.
    This is absolutely not friendship ending and I’m so sure your friends will understand. One of my friend actually cancelled her big wedding and decided just to get married with her parents and while I was sad not to be there, it was completely understandable and I watched her livestream and was so happy for her. Your friends will be too.
    • Reply
  • Tracee
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Tracee ·
    • Flag
    Honestly all of you have made me feel so much better ❤️ thank you for this.
    • Reply
  • Tracee
    Just Said Yes June 2021
    Tracee ·
    • Flag
    Meghan, I’m so sorry for yours and your fiancé’s loss! I wish you both happy wedding planning ❤️ I wish grieving had a time limit for our fiancé’s and us.
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