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Just Said Yes December 2018

Removing a Bridesmaid

Tera, on July 1, 2018 at 9:41 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 26

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I have a bridesmaid who is suppose to be my BFF but can't seem to attend any events I put together. She was unable to shop with the rest of my girls for bridesmaid dresses, she threw a fit because she wasnt asked to go to the appointment for the flowers (she was working and I knew she couldn't take the day off) but when I asked her to go to the next one she said she couldn't and gave me different excuses as to why. She has known since November that my bridal & bachelorette are the 14th & 15th of July (due to having to work around school & family, my family lives out of state and is traveling here for this) all of my other bridesmaid have rearranged their weekends (& previous plans) to be here. She had no plans at the time I informed her but then I find out she is going to pensacola that weekend for her girlfriends family reunion. I tell her fine miss the bridal but I need you there for the bachelorette. Now she tells me they are going to St Augustine that weekend and keeps avoiding the question of whether or not she will be there. And to top it off, everyone else has their dresses and she still have not purchased hers. My fiance & mom tell me I need to just remove her before it ruins the friendship. I'm afraid the friendship is already ruined because I feel like she can't keep her word or make this a priority. I need advice on how to handle this.

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26 Comments

Latest activity by Julie, on January 23, 2020 at 2:06 PM

Master June 2016
Sarah · on July 1, 2018 at 9:44 PM
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Removing her will ruin the friendship. If she doesn’t get the dress in time she gets to be a guest. She’s not required to attend any pre-wedding events.
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Super August 2018
augbride · on July 1, 2018 at 9:45 PM
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I would say stop worrying about it and if she buys the dress she can stand up and if she doesn’t she is a guest.
removing her as a bridesmaid will likely ruin your friendship and cause more drama
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Just Said Yes June 2020
Nova · on July 1, 2018 at 9:48 PM
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I wouldnt have her as a bridesmaid. If shes known and doesnt wanna participate and help you out for your big day, then her loss. I would still have her as a guest, but not in the wedding party.
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Just Said Yes December 2018
Tera · on July 1, 2018 at 10:06 PM
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I disagree with the comment of not being required to attend. when you sign up to be a bridesmaid you understand that you will need to attend these events, it comes with that role. All of my other bridesmaids know this because they have made it a point to be there every step of the way and to be involved without me asking. I shouldn't have to chase down a bridesmaid to find out if they will grace me with their presence for my bachelorette. shes suppose to be my bff, I would change around all plans for whatever she needed for her wedding. guess I have a tough decision to make and it really sucks. I'm heart broken that she cant seem to do what everyone else is doing.
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Mim · on July 1, 2018 at 10:10 PM
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Bridesmaids only need to show up on the wedding day in the correct attire, get down the aisle, and smile for pictures. Anything else they may choose to do is extra. The idea of bridesmaids is for you to honor your relationships with them, not the other way around.
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Champion December 2017
earias · on July 1, 2018 at 10:14 PM
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Pre-wedding activities are not required and your insistence that they are won't change the fact that she either doesn't want to or can't participate. Removing her as a bridesmaid will definitely end your friendship.
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Just Said Yes December 2018
Tera · on July 1, 2018 at 10:15 PM
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We will have to agree to disagree on that. part of being a bridesmaid is attending those main events. I can understand if the bridal or bachelorette was planned last minute or she had an emergency. but knowing for 8 months and still making plans for that weekend when everyone else in the bridal party will be there speaks volumes to me.
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Expert January 2019
Anakaren · on July 1, 2018 at 10:25 PM
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Hey !!...I have to agree with Tera on everything she mentioned , bridesmaids duties is to attend and be present to anything related to wedding not to just only stand there in the ceremony the day of the wedding but everyone opinions are different there isn’t a rule book or a law on bridesmaids duties but it’s just common sense if my best friend asked me to be a bridesmaids I would be helping plan everything and be there for everything that had to do with the wedding even if I’m not asked to so I have to agree with Tera but make sure you double check with your bestie and let her know how you feel about this one more time and if she doesn’t make a effort to change or get her dress just nicely let her know she can’t be in the bridal party and ask her to come as a guest because all the other bridesmaids did what they were told and what above and beyond for you so it wouldn’t be fair to them good luck !!
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Master 0000
Judith · on July 1, 2018 at 10:32 PM
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Bachelorette parties have only been in existence for a few years, and unless she volunteered to throw one for you, attendance is strictly optional. And shower attendance is has never been a requirement unless the BM volunteered to be a hostess. Otherwise, the party hostess, not the bride, invites people including bridal party members to the shower, and they may accept or decline. That is long standing wedding etiquette.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on July 1, 2018 at 10:39 PM
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So how do you handle bridesmaids that live out of town or another state? Should they be removed if they’re unable to attend dress appointments, or aren’t able to travel infor both the shower and Bach party??

My friendships with them mean way more to me than severing ties over an optional party...
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VIP December 2018
Casey · on July 1, 2018 at 10:43 PM
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Totally agreed! My bridal party is scattered across the east coast. My MOH lives 10 hours from me and just started a rigorous PA school program. I would be absolutely thrilled if she could make it to my bridal shower but I have no expectations because she doesn’t even have a break until November, which she’s generously dedicated to being my Bach weekend. That’s already going above and beyond as a MOH and best friend - it’s not part of her “duties.”
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Just Said Yes December 2018
Tera · on July 1, 2018 at 10:50 PM
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I have 2 out of state bridesmaid and an out of state MOH who will all be in attendance for both parties. All of my bridal party with the exception of this one have been a part of things, asked to help, attending things or asking to attend things when I was going to do it alone bc I didn't want to bother them. this 1 cant even manage to buy her dress or attend the 2 events she swore she would be at and has known about for months. I would bend over backwards for my bff for her wedding no matter what she needed.
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Just Said Yes December 2018
Tera · on July 1, 2018 at 10:53 PM
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My bff is not attending anything, not my bridal, not my bachelorette, nothing. at least your MOH is attending something. as for it being part of their duties, it is. it is part of the bridal party (bridesmaid etiquette). but again, all of my other bridal party has done things and changed around plans for me even when I have said they dont need to bc they know it's important to me that they are a part of it. if you have known for 8 months and said you would be at both only to turn around and say sorry I've made other plans.... it's wrong.
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Master September 2018
FutureMrs.L · on July 1, 2018 at 10:54 PM
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Your wedding isn’t until December. Why do they need to buy their dresses now? My Bm doesn’t even have her dress yet and my wedding is in 2 months. Lol

not every MOH wants to help plan a wedding, shower or bachelorette party. Some can’t afford to host the shower or bachelorette party. That is up to each individual member of the bridal party.
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Legend November 2019
Caytlyn · on July 1, 2018 at 10:58 PM
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Kicking her out of your wedding in order to avoid ruining the relationship would be pretty ironic, since kicking her out of your wedding is going to ruin your relationship. As others have said, none of your BMs are required to attend your prewedding events. I understand that her reasoning for missing the events may be hurtful to you, but you aren't in charge of monitoring her priorities. I think a lot of people would consider attending their significant other's family reunion more important than an optional bachelorette party.
Did you tell her before she accepted the role as your BM, that you would require her to attend parties for you otherwise you would kick her out of the wedding? That would have only been fair as most brides ask their BP to be there for them on their wedding day only, no strings attached. Perhaps she wasn't aware that your expectations were so high.
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VIP December 2018
Casey · on July 1, 2018 at 10:59 PM
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No, it’s not. It’s good practice in being a family member or friend, but being a member of the bridal party is all about who YOU want to honor, not about having dedicated party planners an an entourage at your wedding-related events.

Her not attending if it was planned for 8 months is very rude. If she committed to something and was fully aware and involved in the planning of that event, it’s rude. But that’s a separate issue and is just generally a crappy thing to do. But If she wasn’t actually involved in picking a date and you just told her to show up and that she “needs to be there,” that’s equally rude.
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Dedicated September 2018
LadyK · on July 2, 2018 at 3:29 AM
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It may be frustrating because you want your BFF to experience everything with you but remove the pressure off of her,
remember that she’s aware of what’s required and if she doesn’t have her dress, shoes, etc by the wedding date then she has failed you and thats another conversation to be had after you enjoy your special day. Stay focused on what’s at hand and that is to make your day as perfect as possible. she’s not the one that you said “yes” to....you are about to commit to your true love. Try not to let anyone ruin these moments for you. it sounds like she has a lot going on in her personal life right now, but so do you!
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Expert August 2018
Heather · on July 2, 2018 at 3:56 AM
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This right here.
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Devoted September 2016
MrsBlah · on July 2, 2018 at 6:53 AM
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As others have said, bridesmaids only need to show up in the requested attire, walk down the aisle and stand with you. Anything else is extra. And NOT REQUIRED. You're not paying them. You can't assign them duties.
You can disagree, but that's what's putting you in this position. Your expectations are too high, and you're setting yourself up for disappointment.
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Expert June 2019
Mrs Sullivan · on July 2, 2018 at 2:00 PM
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If she isn't willing to participate in any way, I would consider talking to her and see if she would rather just be a guest. She may want to be and doesn't know how to tell you. While we all want all of our bridesmaids to attend pre wedding events, they aren't obligated to and we can only request their presence. They should make the effort to however.
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