Rehearsal/Welcome Dinner Advice

My mother is planning to spend our rehearsal dinner with her side of the family...I will attend the regular rehearsal dinner hosted by my future father in law with the wedding party, Our rehearsal dinner is pretty informal anyways

My in-laws hosted our RD and initially wanted/thought all OOT people should be there too, but DH and I pointed out that that would involve inviting 75 of the 100 people invited to our wedding. We really didn't want to have another event competing with the wedding or deal with that many people the night before, so we talked to them and cut it off at BP plus families, which included our aunts/uncles who could make it and grandparents (around 30 people).

I think it's a problem that your mom only wants to host her family. Do you think it would maybe work to have the rehearsal dinner be immediate family plus BP and then your mom can plan something during the day with the relatives that she wants to see (or do a brunch after the wedding with them)? If they're traveling far for your wedding I would think they'd be there for at least a day or so. My ILs wanted to see all their family who were in town so they came over to the hotel the next day and had brunch for like 4 hours, whenever family members came down to eat.

An alternative to invite the OOT's to join you later in the evening for coffee. It won't cost that much and those who want a drink can go to the bar and get their own.

I'm team your view minus people paying for things part. Ours was only for those at the rehearsal and their spouses but we eventually had people from oot stop by. We had plenty of pizza and booze incase this happened. While it wasn't our intention to have the oot guests stop by, it just sort of happened (we were all at a b&b) and it was perfectly fine.

Rehearsal Dinners are for those who rehearse. Also, your FMIL is paying for this, so your mother has zero say in who is invited.

As others have said, your mom can host another event, if she chooses to, at her expense.

We're doing the rehearsal with those who are in the wedding, and then additional family are meeting us at the restaurant for dinner. FMIL is hosting the dinner, and she decided she wanted to include out-of-town guests, so that's why we invited them.

You mother doesn't get to dictate who is invited to an event where she is not the hostess.

We had both. Our actual rehearsal at the venue was the Thursday before the wedding, so afterwards we took whoever made it out to dinner. We had a welcome dinner the night before the wedding bc his parents wanted to host the rehearsal dinner or something like that since all of his family is out of town, literally. So our welcome dinner was about half the size of our reception and I'm happy we did it. Even with only 100 people at the wedding, I didn't have a chance to talk to people as much as I would have liked.

That would be like having another wedding. I would just stick to just the bridal party and immediate family. Plus your mom wants to invite all these people on you FIL's dime?

Your mom only wants to see her side of the family? And she's already hosting a breakfast the morning after the wedding? That's a really firm "hell no" to inviting those extras to the rehearsal dinner. It's pretty selfish of her to ask that of you, IMO.

It depends what you/ the host wants. Yes, a rehearsal dinner is for those who rehearse. We really wanted to do a "welcome dinner" but then realized 90% of our wedding is those who are OOT and it would basically be another reception.

You can really do it either way, based on who wants to pay for it..

I have seen it both ways. Small, short rehearsals that remain intimate and also large rehearsals that host out of town guests and extended family. One idea I really liked was the rehearsal being intimate and the next morning they had an open brunch where the out of towners got to meet up for any early gathering prior to the wedding.

Thank you all again for your feedback! I posted originally in a state of frustration and was feeling pretty down about it. I'm sure there is a compromise in here somewhere. I want everyone to be happy and included, I just don't want it to feel tight or stressful.

You can do a "welcome drinks" thing at a bar at like 9 pm after your dinner?

Your rehearsal dinner is not a welcome dinner. It's a short thank you to the people who need to rehearse.

I agree with you.

If she'd like to host a stand alone event? Let her, but that's not what a rehearsal dinner is for.

I've heard of it being done both ways. But your mom is not the host of the event. Your FMIL is. I think it would be extremely rude to invite all the OOT guests and expect your FMIL to pay. We had a RD lunch for wedding party/family in the wedding only in the afternoon after the rehearsal and then had an open invite bonfire on the beach for whoever was in town. We offered smores, snacks, alcohol, coffee, etc. Gave us a chance to see a lot of the OOT guests.

My FHs family is all OOT. Since FILs have offered to pay I'm not segueing about inviting all the OOT guests. Do I think it's weird? Yes. Do I want 50% of the wedding invitees at the rehearsal dinner? No.

But unfortunately I'm not going to win this one so whatever they want.

Ultimately you have to decide if arguing with her is worth the stress. especially if your FILs and mom can just plan and host the party together without much of your time/$$ - then you might as well sit back and let her do what she wants. Save your arguing for something more important. Like wedding details

Your mother can host her family reunion on her own time/dime.

If m reading this correctly, your FMIL is the one hosting the RD, and your mom is making suggestions about who should be invited, but not offering to contribute to the event. I think in this situation, it doesn't matter what your mom wants, it matters what your FMIL wants and is willing to do. Did FMIL ever specify who she thought should be invited? People rehearsing vs extended family vs all OOT guests? I'd honestly go with what your FMIL wants. If your mom is insisting that all these extra people must be invited, that is very rude because that's a huge added expense if FMIL was only planning a dinner for a much smaller group.

I would absolutely tell your mother she can't insist extra people be invited if FMIL isn't offering to include extended family or OOT guests.

We ended up including aunts, uncles, and first cousins who were in town the night before. My MIL and SFIL hosted our RD and they wanted it to be about our families and our WP meeting and spending time together. My family has extended RD invites to extended family, especially those coming from OOT, and as an extended family member, it's always been a lot of fun. I'm glad my MIL and SFIL wanted to do that. If they hadn't offered to invite extra family members, though, I don't think it would have been okay for me, DH, or my family to suggest they did.

RDs are meant for the people rehearsing and immediate family. If this is what you FMIL has in mind, go with this. I would not, however, invite extended family and OOT guests to stop by the same location where you've had the RD at the end of the dinner and have them pay for whatever they order. It will be apparent they were an afterthought and missed the real party. However, I think if you moved to a different location (the bar of the hotel where a lot of your guests will be staying or a bar nearby that hotel) and let your guests know that you and DH will be there at 8:30pm for x amount of time and if they are in town the night before the wedding, they are welcome to come and spend time with you. In this scenario, this would be a separate event and if you're just advertising that you'll be hanging out at the bar, you're not advertising that it's any kind of hosted event. You'd be making yourself available for your wedding guests to come say hello and spend time with you the night before your wedding.