Rehearsal/Welcome Dinner Advice

My Mother: Her view is that the night before should be a hosted dinner/dessert for out of town family. She is one of six siblings, and would love to see and host them. She has been to other weddings where she was not in the wedding party, but was invited to an open house/dinner/cocktail hour the night before the wedding. She would like to spend the time with family, specifically her family.

How far is family traveling for the wedding?

Rehearsal dinner is for the ones that rehearse. I've known families to do what your mom wants but on a totally different day. Not the night of the rehearsal. But if she's hosting/paying for it then I wouldn't care if she wanted to invite everyone.

If your mom wants to co-host, let her do that. Our "rehearsal" dinner was basically just a family night, and it was awesome.

I don't agree that OOT guests need to be invited. I'm with you. My mom felt the same until I added up the number of OOT guests and asked if she wanted to pay for them. We are compromising and doing an ice cream social/game night for OOT guests. That way everyone can hang out and have a small treat as a thank you for the extra effort to attend.

@Mandy we only have like 10 family members that live in state. Probably 85% of the entire guest list lives out of state.

@SarahR I see where she's coming from. I can't wait to see family at the wedding. But if we hosted all "OOT" people it would be the whole guest list. Even all her family would be 30-40 people

Personally, as an out of town family member, I wouldn't stop by after a rehearsal dinner to grab food at my own expense. Wouldn't it be awkward to have OOT family members stop by, order food, and eat while you and the rest of the wedding party have clearly finished your dinners? Also "IF there's time afterwards," implies you will be sending them a last minute "hey come by and grab your own food, we have time." If you go with this option, I'd skip asking other people to come by after.

Of course it's not required to host all OOT family and friends at the rehearsal dinner. You can keep it limited to wedding party/immediate family/rehearsees only but if your mom is okay with hosting OOT family members, I would probably just let her do it. Unless you're concerned that she only wants HER side of the family to come. I would think at least a few OOT guests would notice they weren't invited.

Personally, FH and I invited all OOT guests who will be in town to our rehearsal dinner. We have a sprinkle of guests arriving the night before and FFIL offered so we took him up on it.

My FH and I are of the same opinion as you, and my FMIL is of the same opinion as your mom.

For us, a good 90% of our OOO guests are FH's family and, if they all come, there will be a good 70+ of them PLUS the wedding party. That's almost half our wedding. We told FMIL that we understand her wanting to get together with her family, but that's far too much for a rehearsal dinner. That also kind of upsets my mom because it leaves out her family (who are all in town), so if FMIL does that then my mom will want to do a get together with her family. THAT pissed off my FH because he doesn't want to make the rounds two nights in a row.

We both just want to relax and have fun with our parents and WP and their dates the night before so this was our justification to FMIL.

I get the whole "you pay, you have a say," but you shouldn't be unnecessarily stressed out the night before your wedding trying to make everyone happy. Try to make her understand that.

She can't invite who she wants unless she is paying.

We only had BP with significant others and parents. Then we walked to Beer Garden and OOT guests came over and hungout all night.

We did a welcome dinner and invited everyone but we had a DW so it was different. On the plus side, if you do a welcome dinner and invite the OOT guests you can get a majority of your table visits out of the way. If you thank people for making the trip for your wedding weekend while at the welcome dinner you get to have a more relaxed reception.

@Sarah D I appreciate your perspective as a random family member/friend, I wouldn't want them to feel left out.

The thing is my mom doesn't want to pay for all sides of the family, or the wedding party plus family. She just wants to see HER side of the family.

(I'm appreciating everyone's opinions and experiences, keep 'em coming!)

We had the same issue. I wanted to have a welcome dinner for OOT guests, but 50% of our guests are coming from OOT. It was just too many people. Also, I went to a catered family get together before my cousin's wedding. It was two nights before the wedding, not the rehearsal night, and the bride and groom were not there. It was just two aunts, two uncles, and a couple cousins (including the groom's brother). No other family was in town yet. It was great for me to get a chance to visit with family I did not see often.

Our rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party who rehearse as well as all of our out of town guests. We want the people who have traveled for our wedding to be treated to dinner the night before. So - I guess I am agreeing with your mom's opinion.

@OP - Yeah, that's what I would be majored worried about - if she only wants to pay for her side of the family to come and I were you, I'd be super conscious that an OOT member from FH's side may be hurt they weren't included as well.

@Oceankissed, I see where she's coming from. Our issue is EVERYONE is an out of town guest. Even if you just say "out of state" that's 90-100 people. Isn't that what the reception dinner is for?

Personal opinion, may be UO, if your mom wants to see her side of the family she can host her own event. After the rehearsal or morning after host like bagels and fruit or something at her place. But the rehearsal should be just those that rehearsed and significant others. She shouldn't piggyback on this just to see her side. She will also be seeing them at the actual wedding.

@brieliz thank you for reminding me! I forgot to add my parents are hosting a breakfast after at the hotel. Open to all wedding guests from 8-11am. Isn't this enough?? Haha sigh

I'm sorta doing a combo of both your options. I'm doing a quick run through at the venue then everyone at the rehearsal (and their plus ones) are going to dinner. Following dinner we are having an ice cream sundae bar for all out of town guests. That way we still get to see everyone who traveled but don't have to splurge on hosting meals. Hope that helps

You are 90% correct. A Rehearsal Dinner is self-explanatory. It is meant to honor those who were selected to be in the bridal party, took time after work, and showed up at a rehearsal prior to the wedding. Having immediate family there is customary. No, there is no caveat attached to "if there's time, other people can show up a grab a drink at their own expense." If you're going to a bar after dinner and the RD is over, okay...but that should be word of mouth, nothing that is generated by anyone in the wedding party.

Your mother's idea? Wrong. If she wants to host an OOT guest dinner, she can do so -- the night before your Rehearsal Dinner. However, living in Iowa and traveling to New Jersey (random choices) does not instantly bestow on RD invitation on anyone. In fact, I think it diminishes the object of the dinner, which is a thank you to those who will show up, on time, dressed as you requested, hang around for hours before the wedding, and actually participate in the pageantry of the ceremony, pose for photos, dance into the ceremony, etc.