Rehearsal Dinner - What's proper?

I could be wrong here but I don't think the proper etiquette is to invite out of town guests, though it seems to be something that is done quite frequently. I wouldn't consider it rude to not invite them.

I don't think they need to be invited especially since you can not afford it. Your mother was in the wrong to invite them without consulting you since she isn't paying for it. If she's upset, oh well, she shouldn't have done that.

It definitely sounds like you’ll have to have some uncomfortable conversations with them. I would just honestly let them know that the rehearsal dinner is only for the bridal party and your immediate families. But that you cannot wait to see them and party with them the following day at your wedding!

They don't need to be invited, your initial plan was fine. Your mother shouldn't have invited people, and she should be the one to call and fix her mistake. Alternatively you could have your bridal party + SOs at the dinner and then invite OOT guests to stop by for a drink afterwards if they want to but it really isn't necessary.

I'm not sure what etiquette says about OOT but in all the weddings I've been part of where I was OOT (and this holds true for what we did with our wedding), I was included in some form on the night of RD. My parents threw a 60 person RD for my brother because it was OOT for all of our family and friends, they did that because they could afford to and they wanted to. I think a great compromise is to let OOT guests know you'll have space at cuz bar at this time and we'd love to see you there.

Definitely let your mom know to cool it with the invites though.

I think at one time you were supposed to be inviting those OOT guests, but nowadays (and I have been to a few OOT weddings in the past year) it just can't be done. If it's 85% of your guests it's practically the same as your wedding reception! No just immediate family, moms, dads, siblings, gmas, gpas,wedding party and all their plus ones.

Thanks everyone. I love the bar after dinner idea! That way everyone still feels included. Would we be expected to host drinks at the bar at that point? Or would it be okay to have whoever comes pay for themselves?

As difficult as it may be, you have to make it clear who is and isn't invited. You may need to tell you Mom that anyone coming that she invited, she will have to pay for.

Found this while searching wedding etiquette of who is to be invited to rehearsal dinners. "Who's invited?
Your dinner must include: all members of the wedding party (and their spouses or dates); parents of flower girls or ring bearers in the wedding, if the little ones are invited; all parents, stepparents and grandparents of the bride and groom, plus siblings who are not in the wedding party (and their spouses or significant others); and often the officiant and his or her spouse. Out-of-town guests should also be invited, but if you prefer to keep the gathering more intimate, schedule an event for them at another location—perhaps at a restaurant or at the hotel where they’re staying, or informal cocktails at the home of a relative or close friend."

Isn't the whole purpose of a rehearsal dinner to feed those who were actually involved in the rehearsal/wedding party (and their SOs)? I think the practice of inviting OOT guests came much later but only if the RD hosts can afford it. It's your Mom's faux pas, so she should be the one to fix it, unless she agrees to pony up the extra costs that she caused.

View Quoted Comment

I think the consensus is generally "we're planning on hanging out at xyz after the RD if you want to come hang with us". I wouldn't expect a couple to pay for me in that case unless they specifically stated they were hosting a party.

Nope, if your Mom's not paying she gets no say in the guest list. It's fine to have the guest list as planned.

It is good manners, IMO, to invite out of town guests to the rehearsal dinner or at least entertain them in some fashion for booking a plane flight and coming all the way to your wedding.

The rehearsal dinner is for those who participate in the rehearsal. So your parents, wedding party, and any readers. Grandparents and any siblings not in the wedding party are also invited as are significant others of all invitees and families of any children in the wedding party.
You do not need to invite oot guests to the rehearsal dinner as the point is to thank the participants for attending the rehearsal (as the reception is to thank the guests for coming to the wedding). That being said, a later meet up can be a great idea- we thought about doing a "hey we'll be at [bar] at [time] if you'd like to join us", but the way things worked out we ended up inviting people to hang out at our home after the dinner.

My mom wanted to do the same, until I pointed out that her family alone (all out of town) is 90 people.

Sorry your mom put you in a tough spot, but you are correct, only BP and SOs and immediate family.

IMO having OOT guests at the RD is like having a second wedding reception.

The RD is literally meant as a "thank you" for people who took time out to come to the rehearsal. Maybe try explaining it to your mom that way?

You're correct here, sorry your mom has put you in such an awkward spot.

The rehearsal dinner is for the wedding party only and is a thank you for being in your wedding. The wedding reception is a thank you to your guests for attending your wedding. Otherwise, you're going to be hosting two weddings. No thank you.

I've heard both ways in terms of etiquette. I always thought you were supposed to invite OOT guests but then I started planning my own wedding and reading more and realized it's okay to just host bridal party, spouses and family. So that's what we'll be doing. I'd love to include my OOT guests too but that's most of my guest list and we can't afford that.