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Devoted October 2018

Regret making best friend my bridesmaid ☹️

Josie, on July 2, 2018 at 10:37 AM Posted in Planning 0 18

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I made my best friend my bridesmaid. We’ve been best friends since 7th grade!!! We drifted apart and then got really close again after she had a baby our senior year. I love her and I love her daughter even more! I asked her to be my bridesmaid (my sister is my MOH) but she has been not a very good friend at all lately. She is more into partying and drinking/drugs, didn’t graduate etc. and I am more into college and schooling and working etc. I have never bashed her for the ways she chooses to be, but I know she is very jealous of me. I am not putting myself on a pedestal or something I just know she is as I’ve bought a house, I’m in college, I’m getting married and she is not affording rent, didn’t graduate, and in a horrible horrible relationship with an abusive man who cheats on her constantly.

She is my my best friend and I swear on everything I have tried to help her better her life. I paid for her to take her GED (She failed) I’ve gotten her 3 jobs. I love her but I don’t love the life she is living. Also to clarify she doesn’t do deugs around her daughter. Only if she is staying at the grandma she for the weekend (not that that is sooo much better.)

but even as my bridemaid she constantly bails on plans. She will say she’s coming to do whatever and just ignore me the rest of the day. She said on Friday she would come over and do wedding favors with us and never showed.

I also do know that bridesmaids do not have have to do anything besides show up. But she is not only my bridesmaid but my childhood best friend.

If you arent going to show up just say no thanks!

I want to “fire” her as my bridesmaid and I think it is the end of our friendship. We’ve gone very seperate ways in our lives. I don’t know what to do!

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18 Comments

Latest activity by Josie, on July 3, 2018 at 5:50 PM

Master August 2018
Kristina · on July 2, 2018 at 10:47 AM
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If you think it's the end of your friendship, I'd approach that first over the bridesmaid thing. I'd think long and hard about it and approach what you'd like to say carefully.
"Firing" a bridesmaid is a friendship-ending move, but if you're ready to move on, it might be the best course of action.
It's not your job to fix her life.
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Master October 2018
DC Wife 10.27.18 · on July 2, 2018 at 10:48 AM
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OK, I think this is one of those situations where you need to be a friend first and a bride second. Have you tried reaching out to her to see what's going on? Maybe she's depressed and afraid to reach out. Have you tried to hang out with her or discuss non-wedding things with her. This is necessary if she is your real friend. Its not always about you or your wedding. Sometimes its about being a human.
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Master January 2019
FutureMrsKC · on July 2, 2018 at 10:51 AM
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Sounds like you should have never asked her in the first place as she already has a very inconsistent life. If you've done so much to help her and she hasn't pulled through on any of them why did you think she would now?
Unfortunately we can't change people and the way they are. And saying she's jealous of you is a little presumptuous and inappropriate.
The only way to fire her is to end the friendship. I know you've helped her by paying for things and what not, but have you actually sat down and had a serious talk with her about her life and her choices rather than trying to change her, I suggest trying to understand her. If she's so important to you I'd keep her in your life and try to help her by understanding her situation, not completely letting her go because she won't come to your DIY night.
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Devoted October 2026
Tanise · on July 2, 2018 at 10:59 AM
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That is a tough situation. I wish I had advice. Maybe you and she should have a meal together. You could buy her dinner or something and the two of you could have a heart to heart. Tell her how much you care about her and tell her her strengths and that you want her to have a better life. Let her know that if being in your wedding is too stressful for her that it's okay. Ask her how you can help her.
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Expert April 2019
Little Star · on July 2, 2018 at 11:00 AM
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As someone who has been in an abusive relationship, I can really empathize. Try not to victim blame...abusers are very good at manipulating their victims to stay/come back over and over. She may really want to leave but he might be threatening her or her child. The drug use is likely a coping mechanism for dealing with the issues in her life.

I agree with the PP who said you need to be a friend first and a bride second. I know you said you had tried to help her before but maybe try to talk to her, tell her you’re very concerned about her and you want her to be okay. Sometimes people just need to hear that. Do you guys have any other mutual friends, is she close with her family members? Maybe you can talk to them as well. That way you can make it clear to her that she has a lot of support.
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Just Said Yes November 2018
Emily · on July 2, 2018 at 11:13 AM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this! When accepting to be a bridesmaid, there are responsibilities they are accepting. Buying the dress, going to appointments, planning days off for events, and also helping you when you need help.

Instead of telling her she can't be a bridesmaid, I would approach it as she is just too busy to be a bridesmaid. Tell her that the bridesmaids need to have an open schedule to their best ability. You can surely give her another task for the wedding so it doesn't look like she's completely out of the wedding.
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Expert August 2018
Heather · on July 2, 2018 at 11:18 AM
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I'm a true believer in losing friendships once you've outgrown them. It seems to me that you are moving to a different level in life, but your friend isn't part of that level. It happens all the time, hence why people outgrow relationships.

I understand that she is someone you've known for a very long time, and you love her dearly. But it sounds like it is time to end this friendship and move on. You have even said you've tried helping her numerous times, but you can only help someone so much till they help themselves. Unfortunately, this is bigger than the bridesmaid roll, and I'm sorry you are faced with this decision. I've been there too, and it sucks (((HUGS)))
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Dedicated August 2018
Tori · on July 2, 2018 at 11:32 AM
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This is your wedding. You deserve a stress free experience. Let her know you'll always be there for her as a friend but you want to relieve her of bridesmaid's duties. Good luck
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VIP July 2018
Catti Labelle · on July 2, 2018 at 11:33 AM
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This. All of it.

I was also in a very abusive relationship when I was in high school. In college I drowned my pain in alcohol. I lost a lot of friends and was manipulated by my abuser; a lot of my actions were done out of fear, and I couldn’t face my friends or family because I knew things were wrong but I was terrified of my abuser, who basically controlled me. It took a lot to heal from those awful years. I absolutely empathize with your friend.

The mentality that your friend is jealous is not very kind toward her. Be a friend first, don’t just do “stuff” for her or try to force her out of her lifestyle. Be there for her, express your concern, and see if she seeks out help. This is not the time to be concerned if she doesn’t have time or interest in your wedding; her life very well be on the line and you’re the one not showing any compassion or understanding of the person who is most in need of support in this situation.
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VIP July 2018
Catti Labelle · on July 2, 2018 at 11:37 AM
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With that said, it probably was a mistake to ask your friend to be a bridesmaid, especially with her situation. If you’re ready to let her go as a friend, because you can’t take her seeing her life the way it is and feel like you can’t help her, so be it. But this is more than her lack of being there as a bridesmaid, and I hope you can differentiate the two.
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Devoted October 2018
Josie · on July 2, 2018 at 11:37 AM
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I have tried for years. I’ve only been engaged since December 🤣 I barely talk to her about wedding stuff, I constantly try to make plans with her that have nothing to do with wedding stuff. I would say she follows through maybe 1/5 times she agrees to plans. I try talking to her about depression, how to better herself etc (I used to be very depressed and I got help!) but she doesn’t care. She says she’d rather work at a gas station the rest of her life. I think she is afraid of failing so she doesn’t try.
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VIP July 2018
Catti Labelle · on July 2, 2018 at 11:40 AM
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Did you completely ignore that OP’s friend’s life is spiraling and is in an abusive relationship? How can she be fully present and open when her life is upside down?
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VIP July 2018
Catti Labelle · on July 2, 2018 at 11:50 AM
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Ok so the thing that jumped out to me is that you tried to talked to her about how to better herself, how you were depressed and for help. You might have made it about you at that point and that doesn’t always help. I just had a training on mental health first aid and while I’m no expert, this was one of the things that we learned. It is absolutely a process, and while you may not be the one person to help your friend, it takes support and understanding from as many people in her life as possible. You might just have to encourage her to seek professional help, “you know, I found this resource for free counseling, if you want to talk to someone who may give you the tools to cope with how you’re feeling”. And maybe help her to discover ways to cope without explicitly saying the purpose “would you like to try a yoga class with me? It’s supposed to be fun and I think you’ll like it”. Unless you’re really, really tired of helping your friend, don’t give up. She needs a lot of love and support right now.
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Super March 2019
Nisa · on July 2, 2018 at 1:27 PM
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Your first paragraph puts me off a little. You say you've never bashed her for who she chooses to be, and that she's jealous... But that entire first paragraph is you listing her flaws and comparing them to tour successes. Has she actually said she's jealous? It's not a great thing to assume.

I don't doubt that she's going through a lot and probably makes a ton of bad decisions, but I think you're doing her a disservice by comparing her to you and how you've done XYZ right. If you want to be her friend still, I would reach out to her as a friend, without mentioning wedding stuff, just to see where her head is at. If you don't want to be her friend, then you can kick her out of the bridal party with no regrets. Just be sure either way
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Dedicated August 2018
Sarah Katreen · on July 2, 2018 at 1:30 PM
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You said you really love her daughter and I would keep in touch for that reason alone. That girl needs a stable adult in her life.
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Devoted October 2018
Josie · on July 3, 2018 at 1:48 PM
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She can completely be fully present in her own life. I have not portrayed it correctly. She could easily leave her boyfriend. She is not stuck. She chooses to stay. I am not saying this as a person who doesn’t understand abusive relationships as I have been in one. He cheats on her, she kicks him out, she invites him back. She posts all over social media how he cheated and he’s a POS. They get back together she deletes it all. There is not something I am missing. What I meant by “abusive” was the way he screams at her, calls her names, cusses, cheats & all of it in front of their daughter.
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Expert April 2019
Little Star · on July 3, 2018 at 4:44 PM
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Why put abusive in quotes like that? Are you suggesting that those things aren’t abuse? Mental and emotional abuse are just as real as physical. My abuser was mostly mental/emotional. He wasn’t really physical except for a couple of times. All emotional & mental abusers aren’t physical, but all physical abusers also inflict emotional and mental abuse. Please don’t downplay it.
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Devoted October 2018
Josie · on July 3, 2018 at 5:50 PM
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No, I am literally quoting myself. Lol. I said he was abusive so I quoted what I said. I am not downplaying it, as I responded to a PP I was in an abusive relationship- physical and mental for years.
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