Really torn between a Local and Destination Wedding - HELP!

I honestly wouldn't care what other people think. A wedding should be an intimate thing shared amongst family and close friends of your choosing. You should only invite those you want to witness this special moment and shame on those who look down on you because of it. You should pick which one makes you happiest because you and your groom are all that matters.

With a DW don't worry about "making" people pay, because you aren't making them do anything. If they can't go, then they can't go. No one is putting a gun to their head, and if they feel obligated to attend, that's on them not you.

The local wedding: just end up "offending" people. I have several family members and FH has some friends he is not inviting. We already know it's going to cause an issue, but we're not rich and we are not in the business of making everyone happy. I remember not being inviting to a close friend's daughter's communion party - I saw pics on FB and saw how big it was. The first thought in my head was, "damn, I wish I could have been invited." Then I realized that must have been super expensive and she had choices to make. I totally got it. If your friends and family can't understand that, too bad. You can't go on making everyone in your life happy while suffering because you have a limited budget and can't afford to host them properly.

So basically, pick a struggle and repeat this: we can't please everyone.

IMO , when it comes to deciding if you want to do local or DW put the wants of you and your FH FIRST. After that, then start thinking about ways to properly host your guests.

Alyssachu - thank you for your reply. I did consider going somewhere within the US, like another state that might also have wonderful venues. But I feel like the folks here in NJ/PA would still be super offended for not being invited, because they technically "could" make it there and I would not even be giving them the choice to come. I am not sure what you mean by "no bridal party" though - don't I need at least witnesses for a Catholic church wedding? The reason why I said bridal party is because I do want my closest friends to be there as my maid of honor/bridesmaids. Are you saying it's better to either not invite them at all, or invite them but just as regular guests and not having bridesmaids at all? How are you handling this?

TaylorMade2016 - thank you, your post made me feel much better. I do believe I should be allowed to have a small wedding, and I know I would not be offended if someone did not invite me to theirs, but I know how people in my culture/community are, and I am worried about being known as the "rude" or "weird" one. Especially because I was the maid of honor for someone I don't even want to invite to mine, and I was invited to many weddings I went to but again don't want to invite those people either. I guess I am just by nature a person who feels super guilty whenever I think I hurt someone's feelings, and I also do care about what people in my community will think (yes, it's a cultural curse I grew up with and which is really hard to let go off). Do you think having a local wedding but only inviting those I really want won't hurt people's feelings? Or make me look bad? I am worried about people talking badly behind my back to my mom, which would really upset her. I don't want to do that to her

At the end of the day your budget is your budget, so if you can't afford to invite everyone you'd feel you need to, then a destination wedding sounds like the way to go. I understand that for some people you can't just invite only your nearest and dearest without causing problems for yearssss. It sucks and on one level who cares, but if YOU care, then you do what you need to do.

I would do a destination wedding and invite your nearest and dearest only and just keep it kind of hush. But, with a DW, you need to either make sure your VIPs have the funds to attend or if you want them there, pay for them.

GymRat - thanks for your response. I also catch myself sometimes seeing pictures of others' parties and thinking "why was I not invited?" but then I quickly get over it. But, I also know I am a much more understanding person than most of the people I am talking about who I don't want there but who would get offended. I know I shouldn't care about them getting offended, but I do, because I know they will talk badly about me and I know how much my mom cares about everyone's opinion. It's a cultural thing, which is why I am so torn, because if I was just American I would not care and most guests would be understanding. But in my culture they will talk badly for months, causing my mom to be miserable. I don't want her to be, as she just got out of clinical depression and I know how easily she can fall back into it. But I also don't want to have a big wedding and spend all this money on a party for people I don't care about celebrating with me. Well, I do care about them, but I just don't care about them being there at the wedding. I hate being in center of attention and everything about a normal wedding gives me anxiety attacks. I just hope I can get the courage to just have a small local wedding without giving into inviting lots of people. The only reason I wanted a DW is because of this fact, to not feel guilty about having a small wedding. So I guess maybe having a local small one is the best option if I can just accept some people will be very unhappy... which puts me back at feeling guilty UGH. Maybe I need therapy lol.

FutureMrsB - thanks for the reply. I do definitely want some people there, but my biggest worry is inconveniencing them with travel costs, having to spend most of their vacation days on just my wedding, and being forced to go somewhere not of their choosing. Another issue I have but could not fit into the original post is that my family cannot travel to the US (except for my mom), but if I have a destination wedding, they likely CAN go to that country with their passports, so now I am at the spectrum of offending THEM if I don't invite them because some would definitely want to come even if I don't want them there. Basically if I have it in the US, I feel guilty about not inviting people in the US. If I have it abroad, I feel guilty about not inviting people who are abroad. I am caught in the middle and it's making me crazy!! But I think most advice I got so far is to just have a small local wedding and not worry about people getting offended for not being invited. This might be the way I go, just to cause myself least stress.

I'm doing a DW, bc I wanted to keep our guest lists very small and intimate. I'm like you in the sense of, if I had it in my hometown, I would feel obligated to invite WAY more guests than I would like. Good luck. Choose what you think is best for you and FH. Like Gymrat said, don't feel bad about DW, if your guests can't come, then they can't come. It is what it is.

In most places you only need two witnesses so there is no need to do huge bridal party. I am having only a Best Man and a Maid of Honor. Also, if you need more than one witness, anyone can do that. other family members, friends, etc.

Kat, please change your avatar picture so we can better get to know you and recognize your posts on the forum

Alicia and KBtoKS - thank you for replying.

Alicia - exactly my thinking, having a DW would make me feel less guilty about not inviting people and I think it would make them more understanding as well.

KBtoKS - I do agree that I only need 2 witnesses, but the people I wanted in my bridal party are people I really care about (best friends who are like sisters to me). That is why I wanted to include them and make them feel special, because I am the first one from them getting married and I know how much it would mean to them to be included. I want them there, but if I don't make them part of the bridal party, I am worried the other people here will feel bad about my friends passing them up for a spot at the wedding. I was hoping to say "it was just immediate family and bridal party" to make them feel less bad about not being invited. I guess I am trying to do whatever I can to make people happy/less offended :/

MelissaErin - sorry for not posting a picture. I am new to this site. I am worried about posting my picture because I don't want my fiance to find out somehow that I am on this site. I think he would get really upset about me seeking outside guidance, and he is also already a bit upset about me wanting a small wedding... so I wouldn't want to make him more upset I was hoping to stay more anonymous, I hope that doesn't cause any problems

Kat - your avatar can be anything - it doesn't have to be a picture of you. For instance, I'm not really Bert. It can be a picture of a rose, food, an actor, literally anything.

Alyssachu - I completely understand your reasoning, and it definitely makes sense for your situation. And I think the fact that you are having a bigger celebration later on locally will also help people feel better about it. My thing about the friends I want to invite is that those are the only friends I have kept in touch with over the years, since we were in middle school (except for 1 friend who I've only known since college, but I lived with her for 4 years and can't imagine her not being there). I only have 4 close girl friends who I keep in touch with, that is why I am not worried about other friends feeling offended - they have not kept in touch with me for years, I don't imagine they would be sad. I am just worried about other people here in the US who I call aunts and uncles (cultural thing, they are not really related to me at all by blood, but I just call them that due to knowing them for a long time). That is why I thought/hoped that making a small bridal party and telling others that I only invited people who had a "special" duty at the wedding (such as parents, siblings, and bridal party) and nobody else would make others feel less bad/excluded. I am hoping they will think "oh ok it's just immediate family and bridal party, she didn't invite anyone else, so we are not special in being excluded." Am I thinking about this all wrong?

Why don't you invite friends to do some readings? And since it is a Catholic ceremony, you can ask other freinds to bring down the gifts? FH has two friends to pick from to be BM the one he didn't choose, will be doing a reading. I have 3 friends who I am equally close with but chose one to do a reading because she is directly responsible for FH and I meeting so it is like a little thank you for her having had an awesome party and inviting both of us

KBtoKS - I do plan to have my maid of honor read a passage in church, as that is a typical thing at Catholic weddings (at least those I've been to). I think it's one of the readings, and then another reading would be the best man my fiance chooses. I wanted our moms to carry down the gifts, as I want them to feel special since they are not part of the bridal party and technically just guests. That part I think we can figure out, it is the not-invited people I am most worried about lol

Everyone else - I shall upload a picture then, will choose something fun Thanks!

I will admit that I have feelings of guilt for people spending money to go to my DW. Also, DW are not less money then a local wedding unless you have many less people - this is a myth! I'm excited for my DW but definitely know that going into it

@Alyssachu - I agree, I definitely would not invite just select friends if I thought other friends would get offended. Friends I am not as worried about. I am more worried about this "fake" family I have here in the US. And it's not so much them being offended that I chose some friends over others, it's the general fact of me having a small wedding intentionally and not including a lot of people. If I invited one fake aunt and not the other, then it's a problem. That is why the people I want to invite as my "bridal party" or general guests are very select few that actually kept in touch with me and I have actually seen in the last 5 years lol. As to my fiance, he honestly does not even have as many friends as I want bridesmaids lol. He has his 1 brother who could be in the bridal party, but he doesn't even know who can be his best man (his brother is too young for that) or who else he would ask to be groomsmen. But that is his choice, so I am ok with whatever he chooses. I am just trying to tell people we are only inviting the bridal party because I feel like it will make them feel less excluded, because if I say I invited other "regular" guests who are not family I think that sounds more offensive... maybe I am just thinking about how I would feel if someone told me one or the other scenario, and I feel like I would be less offended if someone didn't include me as a "bridesmaid" vs. just not including me even as a regular guest... Not sure if that makes sense

DWBride - I feel ya. I feel extremely guilty. Especially because I know those friends I want to invite earn MUCH less than me. I feel like they will think I am trying to be cheap while making people who earn less dish out a large amount of money (and time) to be there. 1 is on a very small salary, one has NO salary (still in school), 1 works hourly and is planning her own wedding and trying to save for that, and 1 lives in England so either way will have to spend lots of money to come this way. I just hate being an inconvenience, I don't ever ask for help unless I am literally dying lol. So I hate asking for anything, especially for something so expensive and time consuming. I don't want to be selfish, but I also don't want a big wedding or to feel obligated to have one. I am glad I am not the only one having this dilemma

I'm doing a destination wedding. We have an event planned both the day before and after the wedding. Honestly, it's still much less expensive than having a large wedding in the states. At the end of the day it's your wedding and you should do what you want to do and what you can afford.

@Kat can your FH's family travel to your DW? Have a chat with him and make sure that the people you need there can come. If they can, you can invite literally everyone, knowing that most won't make the trip. If they do make it that is 100% their choice. Sending an invite to your DW is not forcing people to use vacation days and come, they can simply say "congrats, can't make it!". Just accept that most can't make it and don't try to pressure anyone into coming.

But make sure that the people you & your FH absolutely need at your wedding have the means to attend. Or have two wedding celebrations.

My FH's family is in Morocco and his father will not be able to travel, we are still waiting to see if the others are approved for visas. Our wedding is in the US, but at some point when we go to Morocco maybe next fall we will have another wedding celebration for his family and his family's friends in Morocco.