K
Savvy October 2021

Purely venting - the frustrations of wedding "etiquette"

Krista, on September 14, 2021 at 12:43 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 28
Saved
Reply

This is really just me venting lol, but is anyone else frustrated by the silly rules of wedding etiquette at times?

- Cash funds - I don't feel the need to do these on Zola because I didn't feel I needed to, but the fact that my family would be offended IF I DID choose to add cash funds, really annoys me. I'm mind baffled that a registry of gifts I want is somehow okay, but saying I want to save for a house, isn't.

- Evites - We decided to get married within 6 weeks of picking our venue (long story but it worked out this way due to military, pandemic + delay after I caught covid). But because "etiquette" says Evites are tacky, my guests have about 2 weeks to tell me whether they're attending my wedding in 1 month. The reality is that taking engagement photos, getting everyones address, ordering the invite draft, ordering the actual invites, waiting for them to get to my house (even with rush delivery) and then finally sending them out took 2 weeks. It's ridiculous that people would be offended by an Evite regardless when it's 2021, but it's even more ridiculous given the unique challenges of our situation. I would much rather have the wedding date ASAP in an Evite with 6 weeks notice, than have a physical invite with 4 weeks notice.

- Wedding favors - Just... why? Lol I've been to at least 20+ weddings and I cannot recall a single wedding favor, I probably threw it in the trash or forgot it. If people want to do it, fine. But it should not be "rude" if I choose not to.


Its just annoying, I feel like everyday I find out something new that I'm "supposed to do". And this isn't a shot to people who don't like cash funds, Evites or do like wedding favors, my point is that these are PREFERENCES and they should be treated as just that, not hard rules

28 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on September 23, 2021 at 12:23 PM
  • Rosie
    Rockstar February 2022
    Rosie ·
    • Flag

    Yup, I hear you on all of these. I think with covid, the whole thing about e-vites being tacky is becoming less and less of a thing - thank goodness! We did ours online and I regret nothing. It's SO much easier to track our responses, to correspond with all our guests - especially as we ended up having to postpone and will have to send another round of invitations to the new date. It just doesn't make sense to spend 4 times as much or more on actual paper invites that people will just throw away, and ESPECIALLY not in these times, when you might have to redo them multiple times.

    The cash things is tiresome too. It made perfect sense to give a couple moving in together for the first time gifts to help set them up in their lives. It doesn't make sense now, when many couples have been living together for years - having each lived alone first, my partner and I had to get rid of a bunch of duplicate items when we moved in with each other as it is. We don't need MORE stuff - and living in an apartment in one of the most expensive cities for real estate in the world, we definitely don't need a huge, unwieldy china set or a carving set or anything like that, although the thought behind any of those things would be lovely and very much appreciated. But again, thankfully - it's fairly common where we live to give money, and it's not inappropriate culturally to say a more polite version of 'we just want you to celebrate the day with us, but we know you'll feel socially obligated to give us a gift, so we'd prefer cash' on our wedding website.

    I also agree on favours. We decided if we had them at all, they would have to be edible/drinkable/one use then discard. In the end, we're doing our name cards (that our venue requires we have) as our favour - they are cookies with people's names embossed into them and I think they'll actually be a cute decor item.

    Basically, it's your day. Do the bits you want to do. Don't do the bits that annoy you or bother you. We went to a wedding lately where they didn't do a cake. And another one where there weren't any favours. Another one didn't do speeches. I'm vehemently opposed to doing a bouquet toss, as one of the last single women in my group. It's totally ok to pick and choose the bits that mean something to you and just flick the rest. And if there's something silly or over the top that other people don't think is necessary - again - YOUR DAY! You can have a bouncy castle if you want, or change outfits 5 times, or have fireworks or arrive by helicopter if that's what truly matters to you!

    • Reply
  • Jasmine E.
    Rockstar May 2022
    Jasmine E. ·
    • Flag
    A lot of this is generational. Your parents or grandparents may think cash funds and electronic invites are rude because back in their day, no one did them. But I don't think most young people have a problem with these things.
    • Reply
  • A
    Dedicated October 2022
    AJ ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I agree with this 100% - I personally don't like the idea of cash funds, I'd rather actually give cash/check physically instead of digitally since most of the sites used for those things charge/take a certain percentage. I feel like most people know to give cash if you aren't registering and I (personally) think its in poor taste to ask for cash (especially towards your honeymoon) again its all a personal thought - i don't care what people do, or if they have one I just won't contribute to it and won't have one myself.

    I agree with the do what you want thing - its your day. if great aunt Jean doesn't like it thats too bad

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    I don’t really think any of these things fall under the category of “poor etiquette”. While outright asking for cash would be in poor taste, registering for honeymoons, experiences, etc. is really no different than registering for household items, and the practice has become quite common. As far as Evites, I could see where someone might think it was in poor taste to use an Evite for a very formal or black tie wedding, as those events tend to come with their own set of specific rules. However, younger generations are much more environmentally conscious than generations past and many do not wish to kill trees for items that just get thrown in the trash. Younger generations are also more text savvy, and I predict Evites will continue to become more and more popular. Favors for your guests are certainly not mandatory by any means, and a lot of couples are foregoing them in order to put that money towards something better enjoyed at the wedding. In the end, A lot of things people say are etiquette rules are actually just traditions and personal preferences. As long as you follow actual etiquette (ie, ensure your guests are treated respectfully and hosted properly), all those other things really don’t matter!
    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag

    I agree about the gifts/cash thing.

    My beefs about wedding etiquette on gifts:

    "Only by word of mouth." Why? Literally everyone knows that when someone gets married, they're expecting gifts. LITERALLY EVERYONE KNOWS THIS. You know it, your guests know it, your priest knows it, the bum on the corner of the gas station knows it. Why on earth do we have to be coy about this?

    Why is it tacky to outright ask for cash? You know how many times someone has asked me what I wanted for my birthday and I've answered, "cash would be the most helpful, actually"? Why does this change when it comes to weddings? This is idiotic. If you want cash funds, you should be able to say so.

    • Reply
  • Janet
    Dedicated October 2018
    Janet ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    I think it is based on the expectation of gifts. Having a registry on an invite or evite gives the impression that the couple are expecting gifts, when they should really just be a bonus. Gifts are not required for weddings, and some people have stated on wedding wire that they would rather not go to a wedding because they couldn't afford a gift. I would be mortified to find out my best friends/family would rather not attend because they think gifts are a requirement.

    That's why I really appreciate the wedding website being a thing. Post all the registries and information you want in detail on it, and its easy to find.

    • Reply
  • E
    Super July 2023
    Eniale ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    But that's exactly my point - they ARE expected, and everyone knows that.

    There is a big difference between gifts being "required" and "expected".

    Everyone expects gifts when they get married, just as everyone expects gifts on Christmas (or their respective gift-giving holiday) and they expect gifts on their birthdays. Do you always get them? No. Are people required to give them to you? No. But you certainly expect them, and so does everyone else.

    This is literally just a case of a bunch of people knowing exactly what everyone wants, but everyone has to pretend that they don't because it's "rude" to act like they want it. It's is a social trapping that is just plain silly.

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    Oh yikes. I don’t expect gifts at all. Literally, I do not expect even one gift from one guest. As far as I am concerned, my loved ones’ presence is their present. If anyone decides to give us a gift of any sort, that is just a gracious bonus…. But by no means is it expected.
    • Reply
  • Melle
    Legend June 2019
    Melle ·
    • Flag

    I don't think anything is wrong with cash funds in my opinion - most people want to give cash anyway so i don't see anything wrong with saying oh for our honeymoon, for our future home, etc

    i also don't find anything wrong with evites. i wanted to save money on paper invites so i made my own and just did online website rsvp for those who are tech savvy.

    • Reply
  • Jacks
    Master September 2019
    Jacks ·
    • Flag

    Actually for what it's worth, evites and no favours is not against etiquette. Evites only become an issue if someone is having a very formal wedding and only because it can confuse guests.

    Asking for money or gifts will always be considered rude, and someone will always be offended with a honey fund. People know how to gift money without being told to do it. In my opinion, it's not worth it. Also gifts should not be expected.

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Expert October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    If you go to a wedding do you normally bring some sort of gift? Most people do because weddings are events where societal expectations usually say you should bring something as a guest. I would never go to a wedding where I don't bring something for the couple and most people I know do the same.

    Am I expecting gifts at my wedding to the point of being upset if someone doesn't bring us one? Not at all. I am, however, expecting that because most people I know find it rude to show up to weddings empty handed that we will end up with gifts. It's the same thing as at Christmas when I know which certain people will give us presents vs. people who normally don't. I don't expect those people to get me a Christmas gift and wouldn't care if they didn't one year, but I'm aware that's what they do so I'll make sure they have one too.

    • Reply
  • Cece
    Super November 2022
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I think you made the distinction between “being aware” and “expectant” perfectly with your comment. I am aware that many people choose to give gifts at weddings, so I know the possibility of receiving gifts is always there. But I am not expecting anyone to do so. So, if my wedding rolls around and we do not receive a single gift, we will not in any way be disappointed, shocked, surprised, etc. because we have not placed any sort of expectation upon our guests, other than to have a great time celebrating with us 🥂
    It’s just like if I were to decide to throw a party for my birthday. I would invite my friends, but I would never expect them to bring me a gift! I would just expect them to show up and celebrate!
    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Expert October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Yes! I agree with all of this! Like if it's not supposed to seem "gift grabby" then why make a registry at all? The whole point in making one is because we all know people bring gifts to weddings! It's not a secret!

    I love your birthday analogy about cash as well. Why is it rude for me to tell people that we'd rather have money to put towards a furniture set instead of just letting them pay to upgrade stuff that doesn't really need to be upgraded but I had to find gifts at different price points. With cash all you need to do is just give what you can. There's no picking and choosing and trying to purchase stuff before other people can before there's only expensive stuff left.

    • Reply
  • Jessi
    Expert October 2022
    Jessi ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Personally I believe it's closer to "expecting" instead of "requiring" but we can agree to disagree on that. My only distinction as to why I'm not just aware of gift giving is because I know that there's at least a 90% chance of someone bringing something based on etiquette in my family, so I think I can expect there to be gifts. I obviously won't kick anyone out for not bringing one so they're not required.

    • Reply
  • Michelle
    Rockstar October 2022
    Michelle ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this completely.
    • Reply
  • Amanda
    Just Said Yes May 2023
    Amanda ·
    • Flag
    I wouldn't even worry about the favors. Because people forget them & in the end I just feel like it is a waste of money. I think with your timeline, an evite is the better option. Less expensive too. Plus it's YOUR wedding so who cares what other people think. Do what you want because it's your day.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Savvy September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    I’ve been to an e-vite wedding and I didn’t care at all. I am not doing favors and I’m definitely asking for a Honeymoon fund because I bought a house before I even knew my FH. We don’t need anything because we had everything between the two of us when he moved it. I say do you girl’!
    • Reply
  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krista ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    You just said exactly how I'm feeling right now and more Smiley laugh especially with the whole living in an expensive city and storage because my fiancé and I are in the NYC area and space is absolutely an issue! I wish people would take this into consideration that some people really can't store all this registry stuff!

    I'm also laughing right now because I too, do not like bouquet tosses Smiley xd I thought it was just me! But you're right, I think I'm gonna skip the wedding favors and bouquet toss even if people don't like it.

    • Reply
  • K
    Savvy October 2021
    Krista ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    Preachhhhh haha, I don't get it either lol I would never show up to a wedding without a gift whether it's money or something from the registry so why we play this game is so silly.

    • Reply
  • Rosie
    Rockstar February 2022
    Rosie ·
    • Flag
    View Quoted Comment

    You totally should! And definitely not just you re: bouquets! I could actually see it being quite fun at 18 or 20, when most people would be unmarried, but I'm 36. Most of my friends who want to be married, are married. But many more are in 10-year plus relationships and have no plans to ever get hitched, so a. it seems to be dismissive to their relationships (which are double the length of mine!) and b. for the few truly single women we've invited, it seems unkind to drag them out in front of 100 people to participate. I would have felt so uncomfortable if it had been me, and why would I want risk making my guests to feel like that?

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

WeddingWire article topics