Proposing

Have you talked about marriage at all or is this something you plan on just springing on him? Also, how long have you been together? My concern is that you are still really young and you haven't even met his family yet.

Have you talked with him about marriage at all? And sure that he feels the same exact way as you? I am only asking because I'm sure it would be devastating if it didn't go as planned.

View Quoted Comment Well we live in Florida and his mother lives in Georgia so I haven’t exactly had all the opportunities in the world. But yes we have talked about marriage and we both agree we want to be with each other on that level. That’s another reason why I’m ready. He talks to his mother about me all the time she says I’m so beautiful and he says she loves me already so I feel as though there wouldn’t be an issue. Also his parents aren’t together and his dad lives in another state very far away.

If you want to talk to your family first, I would arrange a meal with them (or a zoom call if you're distancing) and tell them basically what you told us. (I mean, for them I would include more details, but essentially the same message.) Be prepared to answer any questions or concerns they have - remember they're your family and they love you - they're coming from a place of concern and love.

View Quoted Comment Absolutely understandable, I had the conversation with my sister. I had planned to get married first but she’s getting married surprised me with she’s getting married in November(she’s also a year younger than me, so I felt there was no difference), so I asked her how she told her mom (different families) and things like that. And she said her mom offered to pay for the whole thing. But as far as my side, I really only have my grandmother and she’s always encouraged me to do what I feel is right. So hopefully she’ll have my back on this as well. You guys are really awesome!

View Quoted Comment Oh okay! Do you know how he'd feel about you proposing instead of him? Some guys this might bother because what they honor to propose.

View Quoted Comment I love him with all my heart but he is very oblivious to EVERYTHING! I asked him as a “hypothetical” how he would feel if I proposed to him, following that with saying not that we’re getting married or anything and he simply said “I’d say yes, it’s a different way of doing things.”

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Okay I wish you luck!

You guys had the marriage talk and you are visiting his family, so he is interested in moving to the next level. You could ask him about a timelime of when he wants to get married,have kids etc. This will allow you to understand if he can see himself getting married in a few months vs 10 years. Proposing will come off as desperate. Men prefer proposing to their lady and not the other way around. Its ok to drop hints here and there but let him lead and be patient.

How long have you been together?

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Oh boy! I just saw this response. I really hope the fact that your younger sister is getting married isn't clouding your judgment. I know my sister rushed to get engaged when our younger brother did. Needless to say, her and her ex-fiancee broke up less than a year later and they had been together for 4+ years. I think you really need to just sit back and relax. Twenty is really young to get married. I don't think there is any reason to race or rush your relationship. While he might want to marry you, he might have a completely different idea of when that's going to happen. Even though you have given him hypothetical situations that doesn't necessarily mean what happens in the moment will be the same as what your envisioning. I also agree that a woman proposing could come off desperate to some men.

View Quoted Comment It’s not that my sister is getting married that hasn’t pushed me to do anything I’ve been wanting to propose to him for a really long time, I don’t believe that it comes off as desperate I think that it’s different, anything a man can do a woman can do, it may not be traditional, but I feel that different is good and is needed. If he does say no, that’s the worse thing he could do is say no, if not we move on and try again later. Which I don’t think he will but anything could happen you are right about that. I’m just a very opened minded person and believe that if you feel something you should do it.

Hi Eliana FH and I have been together since 15. We spoke about marriage starting at 20 and for a while i dropped hints of the ring I would like etc. on our 25th bday he proposed and honestly I'm glad we took our time with everything. Men like feeling manly and the satisfaction of proposing and making you feel the happiest ever gives them immense satisfaction. My advice is that you let him have his moment and you enjoy the experience. Let it happen when you least expect it

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Normally I am all for women can do anything men can do, but in this situation I'm not so sure. You are still very young and you haven't mentioned how long you've been together. That would be a huge factor as to whether I would even think this might be a good idea.

By the time it’s November we will have been together for 8 months. Time isn’t a factor in feeling. You don’t have to be with someone for 5 years before you can marry them. For some that may work. But for me if it feels right I’ll do it.

I've read your initial request for advice and the responses you've given - As someone who's a bit older and maybe not wiser but with life experiences... my advice to you is this:

1. Talk to him SERIOUSLY about long term relationship / marriage - Marriage should be a life long commitment and there should be no wavering on either side.

I sense that you are eager to get married (maybe it's because your younger sister is there. But 8 months does not make it too early or too late to make that life altering decision.

You stated the following: "I love him with all my heart but he is very oblivious to EVERYTHING! I asked him as a “hypothetical” how he would feel if I proposed to him, following that with saying not that we’re getting married or anything and he simply said “I’d say yes, it’s a different way of doing things.”

- This statement right here sends red flags and your idea to propose is definitely one-sided. If he's "oblivious" then he's not ready to marry, He may say yes, but based on what you wrote, he's not where you are.

Give him time to catch up with those "I'm ready" feelings. It really doesn't sound like he's where you are in the relationship. I'm not trying to be mean or harsh, I want you to be realistic and not get hurt in the long term.

View Quoted Comment Oh wow! Girl, I think you rushing. Marriage is a huge commitment and eight months is a very short period of time. I honestly don't think you can truly know everything about someone within such a short period of time. I think you to take a step back and really think through this decision. Your age is a major red flag as well. You still have so much growing up to do an what you want now could bd completely different in a year or two. I would just enjoy being in a happy healthy relationship for now as you are still in the honeymoon phase.

Besides all the other concerns and suggestions already mentioned, I'd encourage you to think honestly about exactly where are both are right now in terms of living independent adult lives. Do you both currently live on your own and fully support yourselves? Have you talked openly about finances, long and short term goals, and ambitions? Are you well established in your careers? The list of super practical questions goes on and on. Loving someone is just one important, but not exclusive, part of deciding if you're ready to get engaged/married. Maybe it's just the specific information you've shared and how you've phrased it in this thread, but I'd encourage you to slow down. I've been in a very happy marriage for 33+ years, and I still say marriage is hard and it takes a lot more than just loving each other. I'm the mom of a daughter who met her husband when they were 14, and started dating when they were 15. Pretty early on they were fairly sure they were going to be "together forever," but at the same time, they were super young and working teenager and then college-student jobs. Thankfully, they were both on the same page about having a lot of growing up to do before they got engaged. They earned their bachelor's degrees and started their first career-type jobs, and then got engaged, and planned a wedding for 18-months later. Even with that, during those 18-months when they were both working career jobs, living together and supporting themselves, daughter used to joke that "adulting is HARD!" Paying taxes, figuring out medical & car insurance, managing their chores, planning meals, etc., AND learning to live together full time and figuring out how to balance being both interdependent and independent adults are just some of the things most successful marriages require. By the time they got married last year, they'd been an exclusive couple for more than 8 years and had both worked hard to grow into responsible adults. And, in the process, they'd come to love each other even more than they ever imagined back in their earlier years. I know your situation may be different, but I'd encourage you to just take some time to really think about everything before you move forward with the proposal idea right now. Good luck!

Okay...I really hope you take the time to read this and do so with an open mind.

Your age....I generally do not advise anyone to get married/engaged at 20, even when they've been dating for several years. People grow and change a lot in their late teens and early 20s, and it is generally not a good idea to make a lifelong commitment when you're still figuring out who you are (and your brain is still developing). Even if you don't think YOU will change, he's 21, so HE might.

Your relationship...if November will make 8 months for you, that means you started dating in March which (depending on when in March) was 4-5 months ago. You say "I’ve been wanting to propose to him for a really long time", but you haven't even been together a "really long time". This sort of distorted time thinking is something that tells me you're not ready. Also...how often were you seeing each other during the lockdowns? Did you just move in together right away?

Finally, your proposal....I hate to say this, but if you propose to him after 8 months, his family is probably not going to be too thrilled, especially if you do it on the trip where you're meeting them for the first time. That is going to be hella awkward. It's still very much "out there" for the woman to propose, and doing it so soon into the relationship is unlikely to go over well. Since you seem to care about his family's perception of you, that's something to keep in mind.

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I agree with all of this. Loving someone is a feeling; marriage is a commitment.