Previous Engagements?

I was "sorta" engaged in the long-term relationship before my husband. I say "sorta" because it was never official. We had talked about it, he had said it was coming, we were ring shopping, we had picked out a tentative date and I had gone dress shopping with a few friends. But we never announced it, never financially committed to anything, etc. I had a suspicion that something was "off" about things and basically said either do it or don't - ask formally and get a ring of SOME kind. Long story short, he never did, and eventually I found out that he was a manipulative mooch of a human who was still legally married to a woman he told me he "briefly dated" about 3 years before we met. Phew - dodged a BULLET there!

I was engaged (and married) prior to FH. I was with my ex-husband for a total of 6.5 years. There were a lot of issues within our relationship, but when he returned from deployment, I just don’t think we were prepared to handle the emotional ramifications of him serving overseas. I got pregnant quickly after he got back, and things just got worse and worse throughout my pregnancy, and ultimately my last straw was him laying his hands on me after our daughter was born. Our daughter was still an infant when we split. I met FH about 6 months after that.

View Quoted Comment

Easy answer is, "He left." But of course, the question is why he did. I think there were a couple of reasons. One is that he was autistic, and didn't have enough people skills to negotiate. So he could deal with what was almost a parent-child relationship, where one person had all the control. And when we met, I was 16 and he was 21, so he could act as the father figure, giving me advice on school and career. Once I was established in my career, he couldn't handle a relationship of equals. I'd try to negotiate compromises. But he'd figure that the compromise we came to was me controlling him, so he'd violate it.

The second thing was he became very depressed, and isolated himself from almost everyone. So I was the one still around to blame when he felt bad. He didn't have enough introspection to see that the depression was within him, not anything I was doing.

But it was frustrating. When I finally got him to a marriage counselor (after years of his saying the relationship was so bad he wanted a divorce if it didn't improve, but refusing to go to one), the counselor asked him what was wrong. He said, "2dBride is grossly insensitive to my needs." She asked him for examples. He came up with two. First, when he abruptly decided to go away over Valentine's Day one time, I sent him flowers, and I "should have known he didn't like cut flowers that much." Plus, when he asked me to pour him some lemonade, I handed him the pitcher instead of pouring it for him. I figure that after 19 years of marriage, if that's the worst I did, I should be a candidate for sainthood!

And for the record, we divorced in 1996. I don't think he's had a relationship since then that has lasted more than two years. And he has said he doesn't think he will ever get married again. So I figure it wasn't my fault I couldn't keep the relationship together.

View Quoted Comment

Oh, I see, thank you for sharing.

View Quoted Comment

I'm glad you found your forever love.

View Quoted Comment

Wow, what a story. I agree with you, it wasn't your fault.