Premarital counseling?

Okay so I know your question was how to find premarital counseling that wasn't religious and you've received a ton of great advice, but I wanted to chime in here for a specific reason: this. Is. Me. I am your FH!! Lol 😂😅
So, I thought perhaps getting some perspective from the other side may be helpful? Idk but wanted to offer! The whole time reading the story I was thinking my FH could have written it! Then I read some comments and saw where you said you talked to him about it and he'll fix it for a week or so and then kind of revert back. This, again, it's totally my situation but opposite genders!

My FH definitely likes things cleaner than I do. I think this boils down to something my mom says, which is: everyone has their own definition of clean. As I'm sure you already know, this doesn't come from a place of malice or spite. It probably boils down to his definition of clean not being yours. He may think things look fine, but you walk in and things look like a mess to you. It's just perspective!

Oh really great solution that worked for us, and may work for you, is being very clear about what is clean in your perception. The dishes is a good example, he may walk right past a full sink of dishes and this doesn't bother him. He might even think that this doesn't contribute to the house being unclean, that it's an unrelated and completely separate thing. You have to let him know that, to you, dishes in the sink feels unclean.

For the driving, I would simply set a schedule. One person always drives to and the other always drives back. I know this doesn't solve all the issues with driving, but this could certainly help relieve tension just by chipping away one part of the issue.
For cooking, I like the suggestion of cooking together to teach him how but also to equally split the responsibility. Again, a set schedule may be helpful.

Ultimately, I think he just needs to realize how serious and important this is. My definition of clean is not exactly my partners definition, and I struggle from a memory condition which makes remembering things difficult sometimes, as well as it being extremely hard to change your behavior (even without a memory issue! We actually take about half a semester to learn about behavior modification and have to practice it ourselves for 30 days for my degree because it is known to be THAT hard.

However, I knew my partner (like you now) was reaching a breaking point and I love him and want to be with him and him be happy. I had to do whatever I could to change- set reminders, use calendar apps, etc.
He may find it helpful it the beginning to ask you "what would you like done?" sometimes. Because, as I keep saying, he may just honestly feel unsure of how to meet your standard.

I hope any of this was helpful, I hope counseling helps, and I hope you and your FH can work things out and be happy together for the rest of your lives ❤
Feel free to reach out or ask me anything if you feel like my perspective from his side is helpful!

Oh, I HIGHLY recommend couples therapy! DH and I did it well before we got engaged, and it was so helpful!

We were actually in a decent place when we decided to go, but my dad's a therapist, so I pushed for it. There were some small snags and disagreements that we weren't quite managing to resolve, so we figured it was better to go learn how to do that early!

DH called it our "tuneup", and it strengthened our relationship immensely.

There are a lot of options out there - contact your local university, see if they have student therapists with sliding scales.

View Quoted Comment Thank you for the perspective! I would like to think I dont have high standards of cleaning haha. He just does stuff like making food and leaving the trash on the counter, leaving dirty plates at his desk to the point where they're crusty, and just leaving his dirty clothes all over the floor. If he just cleaned up this stuff I would be happy, but I have made us a chore schedule that he said he is fine with, and I told him to look into driving classes to ease his anxiety with driving

View Quoted Comment Haha not high, just different!😉🤣
I hope it all helps! 😊

I feel you on the only child feel like I'm a mom to a teenage situation. We talked about pre-marital counseling but we are trying the "Lasting" app and it's pretty cool. You pair up and they take go through lessons and you answer pretty specific questions about your upbringing, views, and what types of disputes you have. They teach you while you are answering and it triggers recommended sessions. Once each of you completes the short sessions, you get an alert and then you compare answers and hopefully use them for discussion. My fiance actually said he thought it was pretty good and that it really makes you put it out there. One question was whether you are equals or feel one is a little above the other. I thought it was a put down but when I asked if he meant it, he said absolutely. Huh? No, he thinks I'm much better than him. Awe. Give it a try if the in-person counseling is too awkward or a hassle. This is a like 12 month for both of you and then you can do them as quickly or slowly. Designed for married couples as well. Good luck. You have to communicate expectations. Guys are dense and dont get it unless you put it out there clearly (but not when you are angry). Might take a while to grow him up from being coddled, self-centered and dependent his whole life. You can do this.

View Quoted Comment Hang in there girlie! Just finished premarital counseling today and it was a huge blessing. You would probably still very much enjoy premarital counseling even if it is through a church. It brings up topics that are applicable to anyone wanting to get married! Hope that helps 💙