Plus ones getting of control!

I think people just don’t “get” it or don’t understand etiquette.

First cousin I would say “Hi first cousin, I understand you are dating someone, but we did not know this, nor have we met her. Unfortunately, we cannot accommodate her. Hope to meet her soon after the wedding!”

Something similar to everyone you don’t want bringing a plus one – especially the Aunt.

Yes, it’s “normal” for invited guests to add on uninvited guests (as in, it’s done a lot, but that doesn’t make it right).

H’s uncle did this. We hosted Thanksgiving, which he attended, and attended a family Xmas before getting married in March. Magically Uncle added “and guest” to his RSVP. Literally wrote "and guest" on the RSVP. When we said the above to him he said but they’ve been dating a while and he wants the family to meet her. Uhm, ok, why didn’t you bring her to one of the holidays? Fine, bring her, what’s her name? “Kate Lynn” Okay, what’s Kate Lynn’s last name? “Let me ask” OMG… “Smith” so we make a place card for Kate Lynn Smith only to find out at the wedding (when I said nice to meet you, Kate Lynn!) her name was Anna Lynn Smith. DEAD. At least I had a good laugh about it. I doubt Anna Lynn did.

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I took my daughter to a close friend's wedding when she was only 2 weeks old. She slept through the whole thing! lol

The only way germs would have been an issue was if I had passed her around to everyone to hold. But since she was sleeping, most people just took a peek at her, and didn't even ask.

I also believe that newborns are the exception to the no kids rule. It sounds like you have two guests that fit that bill, so I would just let them bring their babies. You probably won't even notice their presence, since they are so little and don't do anything.

Your original proposal, long term relationships like as long as yours, 2 years, or people you already have met, is way outside standard etiquette. The usual is that you accept, whether you know them or not, SO of friends and family who are in an established and exclusive relationship by the time you are addressing invitations, 10-12 weeks out. Which means they may have only been together 4-6 months at the time of the wedding, or more, not years. But as an established social unit, they are invited together, each by name. This is not a plus one. It is a named SO . If it bothers you that you have not met them, and they are reasonably local, meet them. But either way, you will outrage people who go by standard rules of courtesy and have been together long enough to expect joint invitations, if you have not invited their SO. . . . Plus ones are truly casual dates. And your family is NOT being fair to you. The ones who do have a SO you did not invite, should come to you or the wedding's hosts directly, so you can fix your error, of not knowing they had a SO, and invite the person. Or they may make other requests, and you decide yes or no. Not other family. But it is never right of any guest or family to go through a chain of other people, by-passing you . It was wrong of your FMIL to okay anything. If she thought someone had a legitimate grievance, she should have let you know someone talked to her, and that she told them only the bride and groom make additions to the guest list, so please talk to you. Your decision, not FMIL.. . . . If a divorced aunt already responded as single, and was not already seeing anyone regularly at the time you addressed the invitations, she had no then established relationship. And you can say no. At some point, in the real world, you cannot add people to the last minute. You should be able to say, sorry, too late, and get no argument . Cousin's friend can be an immediate no, and not up to anyone else to say otherwise. You are the B and G, and can deny any casual friend of a guest. . . . But a mother and infant child are most always an exception to the no kids rule , unless basic safety is the issue, like a wedding on a sailboat or the edge of the Grand Canyon, or with fireworks overhead . But everyday weddings, until the child is sitting upright alone and pulling up to stand, they are not mobile. So at least the first 6 months and often 9, while they cannot move without an adult, and eat baby food or mom's milk, they are almost always an exception to the no kids rule.
You are getting close, and though you may need to reconsider true SO of shorter duration, your family is being a PITA. I do not understand why people think they are being " helpful" by acting as intermediaries. They have no respect for the fact you are the hosts, and that they should refer all requests to you, without commentary. I have an aunt I love, and hubby has an uncle, who always " mean to be helpful", made each if us crazy arranging blind dates without our permission years back when single, and always speaking for us to other people now, when they do not have a clue what we want. Luckily, both our mothers squash such interfering family when they hear of it. You must be stressed and exasperated by this close to the wedding.

View Quoted Comment It’s for sure stressful, more than I realized. At this point despite our original intention to have “long term relationship plus ones”, every one we knew with a public relationship had their SO invited by name. None of these examples above were known even 3 months out when the invites were mailed. There was 1 public girlfriend we didn’t know and we made sure to meet her in advance. I have a major guilt complex and I want to say yes but it’s also a can of worms. I worry that the other single relatives will start to ask for additional plus-ones if we say yes.

I had 2 cousins (that are brothers) ask me if they could bring their girlfriends to my wedding. I wanted to say no so bad, because I had never met them and neither relationship had been more than 6 months long. But since I work with one of them, and their mom, I didn't want to make things awkward so I said yes. One of the relationships didn't last the 3 weeks left until the wedding, and the other couple got engaged the week after, so it was a weird situation.

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Same thoughts. who determines which relationships require plus ones and which don't?

I sent invites out to a few friends and family as individuals (no plus one) that are not in committed relationships and/or dating anyone seriously, and so far got 2 from my side that RSVP'd back for themselves plus 1. Which took me by surprise, because personally I would not have assumed I could just invite a guest. But alas, that is not how the world works. I sent out a couple texts that said hey, thanks for RSVP ing, but at this time we have invited the maximum # of guests allowed by venue. If by so and so date, if we get enough declines we would be happy to include them. Wedding planning is hard and I appreciate your understanding. They totally got it and if my fiances 2 cousins don't understand well than we will have that same conversation with them. If they decide not to come in protest, well than so be it. The line has to be drawn somewhere. Some just don't make the cut. The whole process is stressful enough. Of course, My fiance and I are older and my family is not paying or making any of the decisions. Which takes that consideration off the plate. Good luck. Seriously, I mean that. This wedding planning stuff is way harder than I had originally expected.

View Quoted Comment Thank you! It definitely is way harder than I expected and even the first 18 months of my engagement was easy. The last few months are much harder. We’re funding somewhere between 75-80% ourselves so the budget is a huge factor. The cousin was okay with her friend not coming when I put on the fact that we’re out of time to come up with more money. The other cousin had already agreed to leave the baby and I made sure to call and discuss it vs a text or email. They understood and agreed. My aunt gave a shorter answer the other day of don’t worry about it. Literally tonight she said they broke up! He’s been a secret for 4 years (apparently) and when she wanted to bring him to a family event he bailed. I feel horrible for her but also, talk about dodging a bullet!

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Glad, that worked out then!