Skip to main content
ARE YOU A VENDOR?

Post content has been hidden

To unblock this content, please click here

Lauren
Dedicated September 2022

Plus one shadiness

Lauren, on July 16, 2022 at 8:13 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 27
Saved
Reply
I have 30 first cousins. So, for my wedding, I decided that only engaged/married cousins would get a plus one. It just was the line we had to draw to make the numbers work.


Well, my aunt, who can be kind of flighty, was given a plus one because I thought she was in a relationship still. She’s is not but she used her plus one to invite one my cousins girlfriends.
Ultimately, I gave her a plus one and not addressed to the specific person, because my mom wasn’t sure if she was still with this guy or it was a new guy but she lives a 9 hour drive away from the wedding so either way I wanted her to have the ability to not make that drive alone if she wanted.
My cousins girlfriend is not going to be driving with her because she and my cousin live in state.
I think I’m pretty stuck and can’t tell my aunt that’s not okay although I think it was a really awful sneaky thing to do and had this cousin simply asked me I would have told him that as soon as I get all my rsvps back if I had enough no’s he could bring her.
But, like I’m so sad. I’m not one to make myself the center of attention but my cousin hasn’t even reached out and said “congrats so excited to celebrate” and I haven’t even gotten his RSVP! Yet, his girlfriend I’ve never met is coming?
I feel like I’m going crazy. And now my other cousins who don’t have plus ones who have already asked and I said the statement above are gonna be upset.
Im just so heartbroken that no one cares about celebrating a special day for me. They all just want to have a free party. Im truly about to cancel and go to city hall to get married. Deposits be damned.

27 Comments

Latest activity by Franchesca, on July 23, 2022 at 8:48 PM
  • J
    Super March 2022
    JA ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    The petty side of me want to say to sit Aunt and the Girlfriend at a different table than cousin. It's her +1, right? haha

    But yeah, I would be pretty peeved. In reality it depends on if this is the fight worth fighting. Will her being there make other cousins jealous/upset or cause any other drama? If not, I'd try to move past it even though it is extremely rude and annoying.

    • Reply
  • Imani
    Master July 2022
    Imani ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Just so I’m understanding correctly. Your aunt was given a plus one because you thought she was still dating the guy, turns out she’s not & now she has used her plus one for your cousin GF? Is your cousin who’s GF it is coming to the wedding? They say proper etiquette is to invite the SO of your guest. I know you said only engaged and married couples would get a plus one but ultimately if someone is in a relationship their SO is their plus one. However, I do understand your frustration because you do not know her and you wish your cousin would have reached out to you directly. I’d say contact your aunt and be transparent. Explain to her how plus ones were reserved for dates & you were under the impression she was bringing one. You can also let her know at the moment you’re not able to accommodate the cousins GF until after you’ve received no’s. I know it’s hard having those conversations but it’s best to let her know now than to wait. Don’t stress yourself out. Everything will work out and I’m pretty sure you’ll definitely feel celebrated at your wedding. It might not seem like people care now, but I’m pretty sure they do. I’d have to learn that not everyone is going to be as happy as you are about your wedding but that doesn’t mean they’re not happy. I hope it all works out for you.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Yes I love that idea. Sorry cousin David. I thought Kelly was Auntie Js date. 😂 it’s not worth fighting over.


    I’m just shocked by the audacity of people. And I’ll be happy to tell my other cousins the real story if they do get upset. Because that’s a level of petty I am ready to exercise
    • Reply
  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Yea it stinks they were being shady about it. It would have been nice if someone called you to say we see Aunt was invited with a guest but she wont be using it can so and so come in that spot. You can definitely say to your aunt I m disappointed in how this was handled because now I have other cousins who will be upset their so's weren't invited. YOU were invited with a plus one for YOU I wish we could have invited everyone with a guest but it just wasn't financially feasible.

    Sorry this happened to you and oh man I d so want to sit them apart because often times plus ones aren't given their escort cards, its Jane Doe and Guest (or Guest's names)table 3. Technically it s her guest so..... Good luck!

    • Reply
  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I fail to see what's sneaky about this. Your Aunt didn't do anything wrong. You gave her a Plus 1, and she used it. Had you addressed her invitation specifically to Aunt and Aunt's Boyfriend, and then she said Boyfriend can't come so I'm inviting this other person instead, then she'd be wrong. You can't fault her for not being a mind reader and knowing that you had intended the Plus 1 for one specific person and only that person. Sorry, this falls on you and your mom for making assumptions.

    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I have never gotten a plus one to a family wedding before even when I was dating my now fiancé. Just different traditions I guess. I have over 30 cousin. It’s not feasible to give them all a plus one. So, thats the line we decided to draw.


    I’m truly just annoyed that they couldn’t come to me and just ask. It’s exciting to open RSVPs but that one was such a slap in the face.
    If there was a special circumstance, I would have made an exception. Or I would have told them, when I get all my rsvps back if we are under the number, I will save the girlfriend a seat.
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I don’t disagree that I didn’t write a specific person so she can write whoever she wants but I am disappointed. I would never pull something like that.


    I never see this cousin because he doesn’t come to family functions including my dads funeral last August. He hasn’t turned in his RSVP. Haven’t heard even a peep from him in probably 5 years. Which is why I didn’t even know he had a girlfriend.
    I think everyone involved knew what they did was wrong or they would have just asked me if she could come. I’m not going to do anything about it. Just need a safe place to vent my frustration.
    • Reply
  • Cece
    Rockstar October 2023
    Cece ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    I have to agree with Theresa; since you extended a generic plus one, the guest is free to use it however they wish. There likely wasn’t any sneakiness intended; hence them not “ going to you first” (they didn’t see a need to because they didn’t feel they were doing anything wrong). It’s like you giving them free tickets to a concert. Just because in your mind you assumed she would use those tickets on specific people, it doesn’t make it wrong that she chose to take someone else- you gave her the tickets without any instructions, so they were hers to do what she wanted with. At this point, you are just going to have to except that this person is coming to your wedding, and just let it go. There’s no point wasting any more of your time or energy focusing on this tiny thing. If your other cousins get upset that this person is there, simply take them aside and explain to them the misunderstanding that occurred.
    • Reply
  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I think the thing that would bother me or feel sneaky about this situation is that Aunt was given a plus one but it seems clear the person she is bringing is not really her guest or a plus one for her but rather a date for her son. If she chose to bring her own best friend or a random date for herself that wouldnt seem shady. But what s done is done hopeful it doesn't snowball into any other drama, have a beautiful wedding!

    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    It’s actually not her son. It’s her nephew. She invited her nephews girlfriend as her plus one to my wedding.


    That’s not clear in my original post but hopefully now people will understand why I think it’s kind of sneaky.
    At the end of the day, I’m not doing anything about but I disagree that I had no reason to be upset. And I do think the intentions there were not great. But I accept that she does get to bring a plus one. But I know these people and it was done for reasons that have nothing to do with celebrating me and my fiancé taking this step.
    So, yeah I am disappointed that in my grown adult aunt for writing her 20 something nephews girlfriend in her “plus one” and making a point to write on the rsvp card that it was David’s girlfriend so I would know to sit the girl with David and not my aunt.
    So, yes again there is definitely ill-intent there but it was it is and I have no problem explaining to my other cousins that’s David and Auntie J found a cute little way to circumvent the “system”.
    • Reply
  • R
    Rockstar
    Rosebud ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Oh man I thought it was wrong thinking it was her son's gf this is even worse. In this case I d have absolutely no problem saying so sorry all plus ones sit with their invited guest, no room at the cousins table for dates.

    • Reply
  • W
    Dedicated June 2022
    Whitney ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    Serious boyfriends/girlfriends aren't a plus-one -- they're one component of a two-person social unit. If you're inviting the cousin, you must invite the partner as well. It's not about wanting to attend a free party -- nobody wants to attend a wedding that much -- it's just strange for half of the social unit to be excluded.

    Now, what your aunt did is still bad form. But if you're beginning to realize you can't afford to host all the people you need to invite, it's certainly fair to cancel and elope. Never take on debt for a wedding.

    • Reply
  • C
    Just Said Yes June 2023
    Cindy ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    Hang in there. As a bride, we want to control things to make everything perfect. Just remember, that’s impossible. Your aunt is not trying to screw you over. She gets an invitation that says she’s expecting to bring plus one. She reached out to someone she likes to fill your plus one request. Let it go. If anyone asks how come she got to bring someone, just say what happened and have a good chuckle. Other things will go wrong…. that’s ok too. Just like marriages, weddings too have things go wrong. It’s how you deal with it that matters. When the wedding comes, tell your self, you’re there to have a good time and don’t sweat the small stuff.
    • Reply
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Agreeing with this

    • Reply
  • Taylor
    VIP October 2022
    Taylor ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content

    I understand having to draw a line with that many people but couples are considered a social unit and inviting the cousin and not their partner is considered pretty rude. The partner isn't a plus one. Theyre a unit. I know if my fiance was invited to a wedding without me and vice versa we wouldn't attend. We were together 6 1/2 years before getting engaged and if my relationship was considered not as valid as someone who has gotten married already ( I mean what if we don't believe in marriage?) then I know it would certainly not sit right with us. You might just be okay with people declining if their partner doesn't come. I think the people who invited you to weddings without your fiance were plain rude

    As far as your aunt. I agree with others that you didn't specify and I also wouldn't check with a couple on who I could bring if they just gave me a generic plus one

    • Reply
  • W
    Dedicated June 2022
    Whitney ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    Yeah, actually Taylor is right about the aunt. If you didn't name the aunt's former partner in the invite and just gave her a plus one, she's free to use it how she pleases. Now, if you named the former partner, that's a different story.

    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I didn’t know he had a girlfriend.





    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    Thank you for being kind. These people are straight up vicious!
    • Reply
  • Lauren
    Dedicated September 2022
    Lauren ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment
    I’m not going into debt for a wedding. We are paying cash but to believe I shouldn’t get my dream wedding because I can’t invite a girlfriend I didn’t know my cousin has is crazy talk.



    Maybe that’s okay for you but yeah no. I’m not eloping and not celebrating with people who love me and care about me because I can’t give every single person we invite a plus one. Especially a cousin who couldn’t be bothered to come to my dad’s funeral 8 months ago.
    • Reply
  • T
    Expert May 2010
    Theresa ·
    • Flag
    • Hide content
    View Quoted Comment

    I'm sorry you think people are being vicious, but they really aren't. This is the Etiquette board. You asked an etiquette question. We're just pointing out that 1. Etiquette dictates that couples should be invited together, and 2. If you give someone a Plus 1, they can invite whoever they'd like. You may disagree, and that's fine, but please don't feel attacked, because I don't think anyone here intended it that way. (I wish I could find one of the truly vicious threads I've seen on WW, but unfortunately, the Mods tend to take them down. Smiley laugh )

    • Reply

You voted for . Add a comment 👇

×

Related articles

19 Gifts to Show Your Loved Ones How Much You Appreciate Them
Family & Friends 19 Gifts to Show Your Loved Ones How Much You Appreciate... From small keepsakes to self-care packages, these gifts come from the heart.
23 Chic One-Shoulder Wedding Guest Dresses and Jumpsuits for the Next Big Bash
Wedding Fashion 23 Chic One-Shoulder Wedding Guest Dresses and Jumpsuits for... These stylish one-shoulder wedding guest dresses and jumpsuits will have you...
These 21 Rough-Cut Diamond Engagement Rings Are One of a Kind
Rings & Jewelry These 21 Rough-Cut Diamond Engagement Rings Are One of a... If you're looking for something more daring than the basic brilliant cut, these...
Read more articles
WeddingWire celebrates love ...and so does everyone on our site! Learn more

Groups

Show more

WeddingWire article topics