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Alezandria
Beginner January 2022

Plus one dilemma

Alezandria, on March 9, 2021 at 2:28 AM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 29
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Hey guys,
So I am experiencing some current issues involving plus ones. Long story short, my fiancé and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, we can only have a certain number of guests so we applied a strict rule to our wedding party that we will not give you a plus one unless you were seeing said partner prior to our one year till the wedding date. I’ll also add we are all long time friends, so it’s not like any of the party doesn’t know anyone at our wedding, otherwise different story.
So, we have passed the one year mark and now having issues. One of my bridesmaids broke up with her SO a few months back, and I’m learning they recently got back together. Way after the deadline. She has yet to even tell me that she was dating her ex again, I’m hearing this from her sister who is also in my party. The sister is raising issue that I’m not giving the other a plus one, even though the guest list has been finalized for nearly a month (with notice to the party) and allotted plus ones have already been given and the original bridesmaid never told me they’re back together. The sister is saying it’s because I don’t like him, which is true, I do loathe and have told the bridesmaid so when she told me they broke up (called him out for being emotionally abusive.) Even still, she is past the deadline. Any advice on how I should handle this situation? I plan on talking to the bridesmaid, and have already put the sister in place for assuming rules didn’t apply to them and making it a bigger deal.

29 Comments

Latest activity by Willow, on March 9, 2021 at 8:53 PM
  • Lazell
    Savvy September 2022
    Lazell ·
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    If its the same boyfriend as before, I'd just allow him to come. Getting involved in other people's relationships is tricky and even if theirs is off and on, I'd just assume it's on always and allow him to come.
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  • M
    Super June 2021
    Melanie ·
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    I agree with Lazell, if it's the same boyfriend, I would let him come. People have on and off relationships all the time and this is a bridal party plus one, not your third cousin that you barely know. If you put your foot down on this, you're risking her being in the bridal party and in turn risking your friendship. The decision is up to you, but is that worth it over one more guest?
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  • D
    June 2021
    Dj Tanner ·
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    I mean if you don’t have the room to add any more people then you don’t have the room to any more people. As much as there are some +ones that we didn’t want to invite, we had to. It’s just a part of the whole etiquette thing. But with that said, it’s your wedding day and if you have other friends and family there that are more important to you being there then it is what it is. Your friends will have to get over it or not go
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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    She probably didn’t tell you she’s seeing him again because she knows you hate him. Are you prepared for her to back out of your wedding if you don’t invite him?
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  • Katie
    VIP August 2021
    Katie ·
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    I agree with this however did you tell her when they broke up and the deadline was past that she didn't get a plus one anymore? If so I don't think I would talk to her about it if she doesn't bring it up. Maybe she didn't bring it up because she knows you don't like him and knew she didn't get a plus one anymore.
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  • Tory
    Devoted May 2022
    Tory ·
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    If your list has been finalized then I think that’s a different situation because she didn’t tell you they were back together and there was no way of you knowing that before the deadline hit. I’d maybe try to explain that it’s tricky changing it now that it’s past that point, but as mentioned before you may risk her not wanting to come anymore/or her just generally being upset if she can’t bring him regardless
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  • Expert September 2021
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    Totally disagree with the other comments. It's not necessarily 'you getting involved in someones relationship', you have a wedding to plan and deadlines to meet. If she was worried about her boyfriend, stable or not, being invited, she would have been sure to let you know by the time she was supposed to. She didn't make the effort to let you know - the 'why' doesn't matter. If she wanted him there, she should have told you they were dating again. The feelings of "she will be disappointed in me if I get back with my toxic ex" don't matter, in my opinion.

    I say you tell her that you're really sorry but you've already given your vendors your final count and unfortunately, you weren't informed that she wanted him there.

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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
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    The wedding is 10 months away. No one is going to believe she’s already given a final headcount to any vendors.
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  • Expert September 2021
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    Didn't notice she was 10 months out - I guess 'final count' means her personal finalized guest list.

    In which case I say that it sounds like you just don't want him there and it actually doesn't have a ton to do with the final guest count. Which is fine IMO, you just need to be honest about that and not use this final count as an excuse to not invite him. If he's emotionally abusive to your friend, I wouldn't want him there either. Your friend probably understands that since she hasn't told you they are back together.

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  • Brigitte
    Dedicated May 2021
    Brigitte ·
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    I agree. It seems pretty early to be finalizing the guest list. I mean it's good to have a general number, but having the requirement of dating for at least a year seems a bit much, especially for the bridal party.

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  • Expert September 2021
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    I do agree with this! Our wedding party automatically gets a plus one, if nothing else, for the troubles. Even if they don't have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend. My fiancé and I decided we weren't going to ask them to be in our wedding and not allow them to bring a guest. I wouldn't cap a timeline for your friends, close enough to be in your wedding, to bring their boyfriend. If she were just a guest, it would be a simple 'not invited' to me.

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  • Ava
    VIP May 2022
    Ava ·
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    Common etiquette dictates that all wedding party members get a plus one. Even when wedding guests are not allowed plus ones, the wedding party should still always get them.
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  • M
    Devoted April 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Maybe she didn't tell you because she doesn't plan on him coming... if you cant let him come then you cant. Its your wedding but i have never heard of the bridal party not getting a plus 1. I dont really think you can set a timeline on someones relationship to better suit your wedding.... its your bridal party and they probably wont enjoy it as much as if they had a date/friend with them.

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  • needmorewine
    Expert May 2016
    needmorewine ·
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    There are a few issues here.

    It's far too early to be finalizing the guest list. The list should not be finalized until invitations go out 8-12 weeks before the wedding, and anyone in a relationship at that time should be invited with their significant other.

    It also isn't your place (or anyone else's) to judge the seriousness of someone's relationship based on some arbitrary time limit.

    As others have already said, the bridal party should have their significant others invited, or be allowed a plus one if they are not in a relationship. It's a minimum courtesy to offer them for the time and money they are spending to be a part of your wedding.

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  • Alezandria
    Beginner January 2022
    Alezandria ·
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    Thank you all for opinions.
    To those who mentioned, yes we know it’s really early to have the finalized guest list, but with Covid and Holidays just before our wedding, our venue needed the final body number by Nov 1st, which is why the plus ones are so strict as we don’t even know if we’re able to have a actual wedding.
    I know I have no place to get involved with the relationship either, but I felt very attacked when confronted about inviting him to the wedding when most of the friend group and both families have forbade him from all social gatherings before for other antics. It’s a difficult situation, I do love and want to support her but I do feel like it’s a loose loose. I will think about it and talk to my fiancé about it. Thank you all once again.
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  • Marisa
    Just Said Yes August 2021
    Marisa ·
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    Hello Lovely,

    In my opinion I would explain to her that you are happy that they are working to fix any and all issues that they had in the past, and you would love to support her and her mending relationship, but the guest list has already been submitted and with everything going on the venue is quite strict about the numbers.

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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    I never understand the time frames or titles people use when giving plus ones. I've seen countless brides to be on here saying "only married" "dating over a year" "seriously dating"


    I know people who dated a few months then were engaged in less than a year. I know people who have been dating the same partner for 10 years. Every relationship moves on a different timeline.
    But to be specific to your question. If she's in your bridal party she should have a plus one as it's just courteous, especially if she's dating the same guy as before. It not like you know your final guest count, as you don't know who will actually show up. It's safe to say you can wiggle one more person in there, especially considering this person means enough to you to stand up with you on one of the biggest days in your life.
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  • Michelle
    Rockstar December 2022
    Michelle ·
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    Exactly. Except invites go out at 6-8 weeks or guests will misplace them. The guest list is finalized at 6 months when save the dates are sent either by mail or word of mouth because an invite is mandatory after that

    Also a significant other is an automatic invite regardless if they have been together 4 months or 40 years. You cannot ask someone to celebrate your relationship while disrespecting theirs. A true plus one is a random stranger who comes in to eat free food and doesn't care about you. Only in very rare circumstances will a single guest not know other guests in attendance and be able to enjoy themselves.

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  • S
    Expert November 2021
    Sara ·
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    Your wedding is 10 months away. I'd definitely allow her to bring him

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  • Nicole
    Beginner April 2021
    Nicole ·
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    If you have one seat open just let him come, dont start a new war on your wedding day. If it helps you, im not allowing any plus ones unless they are engaged because of restrictions.

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