Plus-1's at intimate/destination wedding?

We are having plus one's for everyone who is single or in a relationship, but we do not know the other person. We cannot expect people to travel by themselves for a wedding because then they will be less likely to make the trip.

I would not expect anyone to travel for my wedding alone, but especially not those who are in a relationship or married. I personally think bridal party members should all receive plus ones, but I don’t think it’s unacceptable not to allow them. I do think it’s unacceptable to expect someone to leave their spouse behind for 4 days to attend a destination wedding. I would not attend if a friend expected that of me. I have no interest in celebrating someone’s marriage if they can’t respect mine.

First, "plus ones" are for single people only. Anyone with a spouse/significant other, whether you've met them or not, are to be invited as a unit (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, John Smith and Jane Doe, etc.) It's rude to ask your best friend to leave her husband at home. Think about it in reverse. What if you received a wedding invitation from an old friend, but your husband was not invited. Would you go without him? Would you be offended? Some will say this is a "know your crowd" kind of thing. But I think it's just rude. For a destination wedding, this becomes even more of an issue, because there is travel involved, and who wants to travel to a great location for a few days of fun and frivolity without their husband? Nope.

For the singles, if you don't have the space, or you want to keep your numbers down, don't give them a plus one.

So, these are my thoughts. You obviously need to do whatever works for you and FH. Good luck!!

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I definitely agree with that sentiment, that people may not travel....but when I was single and only casually dating someone at the time of one of this persons' wedding, I didn't ever think to not be at my friends special day, because I had to get on a plane alone, or think to press to get my date invited so they could come along, because I knew I would likely be busy during the event....

Are you having a bigger event or hosting somewhere that would be a better opportunity for those guests to go enjoy themselves during the time that is not the actual ceremony??

I just worry about having to figure out what these people would do out in the middle of nowhere other than sit and watch netflix haha because it is private property I wouldn't want anyone to wander around out there without a guide, and if they are staying offsite that is a lot of extra running around to pick people up and when the girls go to get ready, it is an hour drive to town, will probably be a few hours, than an hour back. Of course they can choose to stay back with their SO but I am inviting them to show them a good time and have them hang out with me to celebrate this day!

I’ve been to a wedding like this, everyone stayed in a huge cabin for several days. The bride invited my boyfriend of 2 months and I was so thankful she did as that guy is now my husband. My husband didn’t know anyone and hung out with all the groomsmen all day while the girls got ready and had a great time. I think anyone in a relationship at the time wedding invitations go out (next year) should both be invited by name. It comes down to inviting people to celebrate your love while not acknowledging theirs.

Ok you’re going to get a lot of mixed responses about how everyone should have their significant other or a plus one blah blah blah, but I think this is your wedding, and you do what you want. What I personally would do in this situation is...

1. Have a conversation with each of your friends individually, explain the intimate feel that you want, and that their SO would most likely not be involved with day-of plans. See if their SOs are even interested in coming first.

2. If your going to have to get a second cabin anyways, you then have the ability to designate one of them for your FH and his 2 friends to get ready. Just because there could be 4 other guys there doesn’t mean they need to hang with your FH, is there other stuff they could do? Golf, hike, etc?

3. If these are really your close friends, I would imagine that you and they would care if you had any kind of friendship with their husband. Even though this is your wedding, it could be a great chance to spend more time with them. If they are married the person is clearly there to stay for the long term.

Honestly i I would probably not ask your married friend not to bring her husband. I can see really not asking your sisters new BF to attend, but I would really strongly advise you invite husbands/wives.

IMO everyone who is invited to a DW should be given a plus one regardless of their relationship status.

If we're gonna talk etiquette though, at MINIMUM everyone in a relationship should have their SO invited by name. I'd never go to a wedding my husband wasnt invited to and if my "best friend" didnt invite my husband I'd probably question our friendship.

If this was like a single evening affair then I would say don’t bother with the plus ones if you really don’t want to (even though I think married people should be invited to most things as a unit) but if you’re expecting them to stay for 3-4 days I would definitely give them their plus ones (or don’t be upset if they don’t want to come). I honestly think everyone will have more fun this way and it sounds like you want it to be a good time! I don’t think you’ll really feel that weird about having “strangers” there when you’re actually in the moment

I understand wanting to keep this intimate, bit as others have pointed out a plus one is for single people, everyone married or in a relationship is considered a unit already. It'd be disrespectful not to invite their significant other. I think this definitely needs to be followed considering they are required to travel for multiple days.
Going on a girls trip is much different than going to a wedding alone because the bride didn't want to accommodate your husband. That's a very different scenario.
Also, the boyfriends/husbands can entertain themselves while you're getting ready. We have the same issue, everyone is traveling, those with significant others have to find something for them to do until the ceremony. That's not something for you to worry about, but it's also not a justified reason to leave them at home.
I would be pretty upset if I was I voted to a destination wedding without my significant other.

Here are my thoughts:

My FH's best friend and his wife who is a good local friend of mine too - you have to invite the wife.

My FH's single (and not interested in having a date at all) college roommate who is like a brother to both of us at this point - no plus one required

My younger sister who has a new boyfriend that we have met once (some issues I see here are she would be helping me with a lot, she is MOH, we also want it to be us staying in a room together the night before to have that last family/sister time, so he would need to stay in his own room since he doesn't know anyone else, or stay offsite alone) - the boyfriend needs to be invited.

My best friend from high school who I still talk to everyday and is super excited about being involved, but who hasn't met my FH yet, and who is married but I have only met her husband at their wedding, (which was a traditional one that I went to, single!) - husband needs to be invited

My best friend from being college roommates/since, who has been single for years, dates around a lot, and currently moved to a different state so whenever she does date people I never meet them...she does frequently travel alone though if that informs anything! - no plus one required

An old family friend/neighbor from childhood who is special to my family, will know all of the family well, who invited my FH and I to her wedding that was a traditional one, but that was again, also the only time we have met her husband. - you have to invite the husband.

Plus ones are for truly single people and not technically required. If a guest is married or in a serious relationship, you cannot invite just one of them. Couples are social units and should never be split up. Otherwise you’re saying “come and celebrate our relationship” while totally disrespecting their relationship.

I have no idea how those you are inviting might react, I can only speak for myself. So, if someone asked me to be a BM, I would accept under the assumption that my spouse would be invited to the wedding. If I eventually learned that he would not be invited, I would politely bow out of the wedding and stay home. If I were invited as an attendee without my spouse, I would decline the invitation.

If it were a one day thing, it might be different. But, I would not leave my spouse for 3-4 days for a "fun" weekend getaway that he was not welcomed to attend. Others may be on board and not mind at all, but in my opinion, my husband and I are a single unit. If he's not welcome, I'm not going either!

"Otherwise you’re saying “come and celebrate our relationship” while totally disrespecting their relationship."

Exactly this. Well said, KiwiDerbyBride!

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I cannot edit my post at the moment or update, but I do want to again emphasize that its not that I don't want them to share the trip with their husbands, have a travel buddy, etc....I just don't know what they would do while people involved are busy, because again if I do have them stay at the location, it is the middle of nowhere!! Is it rude to just leave them behind to watch tv or read a book or awkwardly hangout with the other extra husbands?? OR would it be best, if they are unable to all stay with us, to book them in the town an hour away where my parents are staying where they could see some sites and walk around or at least sleep in with some privacy if they wanted to? With this it is just that I am inviting these certain friends to spend the day with me getting ready and having a girls day, so I would rather not have everyone separated and have to gather everyone up to actually feel like I am spending time with them.

At this point I know now that I just have to invite all involved, but I just have to figure out logistics!

View Quoted Comment I don't think it's rude to tell them that they'll have some down time while you and your girls are getting ready. That'll give them the option to stick around and watch TV or figure out something else to do. Just let them know ahead of time so they know what to expect.
I also hope my first response didn't come off as rude, I know it's hard to judge tone on these forums.... you can absolutely have that intimate time with your girls while still inviting their other half. They should understand that the girls will be busy with more than just the ceremony.
I wouldn't worry too much about the logistics, it's not your responsibility to figure out what the significant others will do to pass the time. Maybe give them some suggestions and let them figure it out. You have enough on your plate with planning the wedding.

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I definitely wouldn't book them rooms an hour away... I would give your girls a heads up on what you're debating and let them and their husbands decide what they want to do.

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They are adults, they can figure out what to do during the time their partner is busy with other things.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding about 6 months after FH and I started dating. My family and a few others rented a house to stay at for the wedding. FH hung out at the house and with my family/ family friends (even though he only knew my parents at that point) while I was busy doing bridesmaid things. He was just fine by himself, and ended up becoming good friends with some of the others based on being with them the whole weekend.

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Again, I cannot update/edit but it does seem like one part is getting confusing--- So the "3-4 days" part is that my friend has left her husband behind for other trips with friends and such...so I don't know if she maybe enjoys doing her own thing with friends she considers just hers but not close to him, but I agree everyone is probably correct that it is just different because it is a "wedding weekend" ....so I will just disregard thinking of individual personalities and such and invite everyone and see what happens…. I Totally Agree that it is the better etiquette to invite all Spouses --- and glad for everyone chiming in with the point about looking at is as a "Social Unit" ....that is great! The thing I am worried about though, is them declining anyway if they can't all stay at the house and be involved in Everything. I don't want to just alienate one couple or have to choose who gets what bedroom (because there are only a few queen rooms and others are all paired up into twin beds) and who has to go to an external/offsite cabin rental or even in a hotel in town....I want everyone to be comfortable and enjoy their time....If their husbands come I want to be a good host but not stress about them either! I ultimately want people to come that are excited about it and want to be there, which is why we aren't obligating with a title of bridal party exactly, but rather these are just the only friends we are inviting! I would be sad if they didn't come at all obviously, but I also don't want them to spend time and money out of their summer to come and then have sour grapes if they aren't right there in the action or fending for themselves for periods of time!

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I know it sounds crazy to do that....but it really is the middle of nowhere so an hour is "nothing" out there, its just how it is....so my comment on that was actually that it would potentially be the more enjoyable option....that area would be where we would be traveling to go get hair done and such, so the only thing those individuals would miss out on would be morning activities/breakfast at the house with the girls, but maybe they would prefer having time to relax with their spouse alone before we come to pick them up to get ready? and then that way after we hit the nails and hair salons, their husbands can travel back with us/them to prepare for the ceremony! Not as much awkwardly waiting around the venue, maybe a little sightseeing for them, get to introduce them to other relatives in town that they can travel up with the guests, rather than having to be around during/apart of set up or feeling like they are just sitting around while my FH is up at the property/house trying to have his last few hours with his 2 best friends and dad.

View Quoted Comment They are all grown adults, so those waiting behind until the ceremony starts can find their own things to do and entertain themselves. I wouldn’t over think this or worry this much about it. When my fiance’s sister just got married a few weeks ago, he was part of the wedding party on the grooms side and I was a guest, I waited around alone for the day until the evening ceremony started and it wasn’t a problem. Maybe suggest they bring magazines, books, they can watch TV, they can go into town on their own if they want, etc. I’m sure they’ll understand that their wives/girlfriends who are part of the bridal party will be busy and away getting ready and spending time with you for majority of that day.

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I wouldn't assume what the more enjoyable option for them might be. I would just present your friends/family members with the options and for this in relationships of any kind, let them know they are all invited. Present the situation and the options and let people decide what is best for them. Also, as far as your sister have a new boyfriend, definitely make an effort to include him. Your wedding is over a year away and if they're still together at that point I would say it's pretty serious. He could end up being the person she marries (similar to Kelly's story above), you definitely don't want to start that on a bad note.