Plus 1 etiquette

First, how are you defining a committed relationship? Engaged, living together, something else? If your guests are in a relationship, your invitations should be addressed to "mr john doe and ms jane smith". If they're not in a relationship and you're giving them a plus one, it should be addressed to "mr john doe and guest". If they're not getting a plus one, it should be "mr john smith". That should be clear for all of your guests. There is also a way to do this on the RSVP card, by including a line that says something like "we've reserved _ seats for you". Personally, all of my guests are invited to bring their SO or a guest. Who am I to judge what relationships are "committed"? And how is someone's sister any different than their boyfriend to my budget?

We're having a small wedding with only 50-60 guests. We do not want random people at our wedding. Everyone's significant other will be invited by name on the invitation. There will only be 3 single people that won't know anyone besides us and we will allow them a plus one. However, if you are a single family member and will know 20 people at the wedding...there is no reason to bring your neighbor or coworker to my intimate wedding. To regulate this, we put the number of seats we've reserved for them on the RSVP card.

You never say who isn't invited. But really, I'm confused about what you're doing. A plus one does not mean someone in a relationship. A plus one is your cousin Harry who is single and you're giving him the option of bringing someone -- anyone -- with him (usually a date, but since he's single, if he's not dating, it could be a friend). ANYONE in a relationship gets invited with their significant other by name, whether they're married or committed or not. In other words, if your cousin Susan started dating someone last month, you must invite Susan and her new boyfriend by name. This isn't a plus one.

Married or "committed" couples?! That's so rude and gross.

Look. I was with my husband for 11 years before we married, and sometimes one of us would be invited without a guest because we weren't married. We would decline every time and we wouldn't send a gift.

If you are asking people to celebrate your relationship, you should respect theirs, whether they just met or have been married for fifteen years.

People get bent out of shape about this. If you're inviting someone to your wedding, I would hope that you would know if they are in a relationship or not. Some people believe any adult over the age of 18 should be afforded a plus one. I say it depends on your budget. You know your guests. If someone is in a relationship , married or not, invite their partner at the very least.

The other ladies have articulated well why the selective application of the plus one is wrong. But to answer your question:

Plus one: Mr or Ms. SoandSo and Guest

No Plus One: Mr or Ms. SoandSo

Oh "commitment"

Sorry sweetheart, you're not going to get this passed anyone on here. You cannot define the degree of commitment in someone's relationship. There's no prescribed paradigm regarding how long you should be dating before it's serious, how long before you move in together, before he proposes etc. And if they are with someone, it isn't a plus one, you're inviting their significant other to share in your day with YOUR significant other.

As for "plus ones" (for those who are solo). It's an all or nothing deal, you can't offer it to some people and not others. The only exceptions are the BP/GM and out of town guests who know no one but you.

Ok so I went to one wedding this past summer where I did not get a plus one for my now FH, even though we live together, been together forever, own a home together, have a dog together how much commitment do you need? I was pissed but she was a friend very near and dear to my heart so I went. Turns out no ones SO got invited (we are college friends) so all my closest girl friends were there alone and we had a great time! It was like the old days. But trust me when I saw the invite I was steaming mad, I feel like she should have at least called and told me why.

Ok maybe I'm wording this wrong because I feel under attack. Lol. If I gave everyone a plus 1, that doubles the amount of people on my budget. So I shouldn't invite anyone if they can't bring someone..... if I have to call and tell everyone why that's another job and another hassle. We stuck to 100 people, now it's 130. That's includes married couple. I'm not trying to be "gross", but I'm not to trying to broke either. Everyday the damn number of people increases. Smh. I'm not inviting a couple And they get a plus one, no. That outrageous. So everyone should get a plus one? Grrrrrrrr so confused. This is regardless of relationship commitment, it's about affordability. So I should go into debt making sure everyone can bring someone, someone I probably don't know. Help me, criticism is not needed.

I think you're misreading. Couples don't get a plus one.

Significant others get invited by name, both of them, regardless of the length of the relationship.

Plus ones are given to truly single people as the option to bring a date or friend or whoever they want. Some will that they're necessary, some not, but if you don't give a plus one to all your single guests at least give the option to people who wouldn't know any other guest.

No one is suggesting you let a couple bring another person.

Heres how it works:

-Your friend or family member is married: their spouse is invited

-Your friend or family member is engaged: you invite their fiance(e)

-Your friend or family member is living with a significant other: you invite the significant other

-Your friend or family member is dating someone exclusively: you invite the significant other

-Your friend or family member is single: If you have the money and the space, it is NICE to offer them a "plus one" but you don't HAVE to. However, this is an ALL OR NOTHING RULE.

Exception: Your bridal party/groomsmen member is single: THEY GET A PLUS ONE

Also, keep in mind that kids are an all or nothing deal as well (either you invite ALL of the children or none of the children, the exception is any child that is a part of the ceremony).

Michelle nailed it.

I disagree with @Michelle that plus ones or kids are an all or nothing thing. They're not.

She is correct that you invite EVERYONE in a relationship as a couple unit. That means that anyone who is dating gets to bring their significant other. For truly single people, you don't have to allow a plus one. However, it is perfectly acceptable to allow out of town guests to bring a plus one without providing a plus one for those who are local or those who know people at the wedding.

It's also perfectly acceptable to invite the kids of family (like your niece or nephew) without inviting the kids of your friends from college.

Kids are NOT an "all or nothing" deal. That is ridiculous.

I disagree. It's really hard to make the call on whether a new relationship is a "significant other" or just the latest in a string of 2 month relationships. Especially when you're sending invites 2 months in advance. I've been to plenty of lovely weddings where married, engaged or living together/together for more than 6 months was the cutoff, and it worked fine. I've also been to weddings as someone's very new girlfriend, and the implied pressure on couples there to have some kind of commitment (catch the bouquet - everyone looks knowingly at New Boyfriend. All couples dance at end of First Dance - imitate the newly marrieds!) made me feel suuuuuper awkward while in the early stages of a relationship.

Then you host a wedding you can afford. If someone you invite has a SO, the SO is automatically invited. The end.

@Emilyg, I don't disagree with what you're saying, but it's hard to make that distinction and feel good about it when you know people who got engaged in less than 6 months.

Also guys, how do you justify to someone why their kid wasn't invited but someone else's kid was. It isn't fair. Some parents will love the offer and turn it down because they want a day out and others want to be with their kids 24/7 and consider it a great inconvenience to leave them behind. You make a rule, you stick with it.

@Emilyg, you allow couples to decide whether or not to come together. You don't make the decision for them. The wedding you went to where you felt super awkward, you shouldn't have gone. You knew it was a wedding. You made the choice to go. You were invited as a courtesy. You could have said no. The fact that a new girlfriend may feel awkward is not a reason to be rude and not invite her.

@Michelle, you really don't have to justify anything. Anyone who doesn't get that you invited your family members (even the ones under 18) and not their child is someone who doesn't understand reason. I think it's rude to not invite your 8-year-old niece because the couple down the street might not understand why their child wasn't invited. There's a HUGE difference between your own family and someone else's child and there is nothing wrong with inviting based on that.

@Elizabeth, fair enough

My own wedding is child-free and I'm sticking to it (despite several protests).

Is it rude to ask someone what their SO name is (assuming you can't find out on Facebook)? Or if they are more private to ask if they are currently dating someone? I have a few more distant family members and I'm truly unsure if they are in a relationship or not!