Planning with a stubborn fiance

You must have a budget before anything. Why does he need to consult his friends? It's your wedding...

Determine your budget, pick a venue / secure a date, then worry about the DJ... doing this in the "wrong" order may make things more difficult in the long run .. he won't know what the budget for the DJ is until you factor in everything else ... I would try to talk to him about the importance of keeping everything organized.. in addition how will he know what date to book with the DJ without first having the venue booked

Start with a budget and a tentative guest list that you don't share. That will help you narrow down venues. You can't worry about a DJ if you don't have anywhere for them to play!

I was in that situation up til couple weeks ago . I needed a date and budget and fh thought i should just start planning then let him know total cost of things. He said maybe oct 2019. I had to be honest . I wont wait two years . Marry me in a year or i will find my own place. I aint playing house no more. He is stubborn to and wants church wedding and trimmings at a dance. Well for that u need a date n budget . It became clear then to make this next oct so now planning can begin. He woukd laugh it off and kind of act boss until i stood up and said ok i am serious n if you are you gotta talk details with me now . Good luck , it will be good after you tell him

How serious u are.

Fallenwagon, You shouldn't have to convince your FH to plan a wedding, or even discuss it.. it sounds like he wasn't even taking it seriously... so if he legitimately wanted to wait two years, you'd end the relationship? Again, you can't rush or push someone into it.

My FH doesn’t care about details, but we still talk about everything. I’m not forcing him into it, nor am I going to say “You have a year or I’m leaving”. We had a discussion, many actually, that we wanted to marry. He proposed. Now we’re planning. I didn’t have to convince him to propose.

We're having about a 1.5 year engagement. Guess I should just tell him now I'm not playing house anymore.... smh

@Fallenwagon How do you start planning and just "let him know the cost"? You start with a budget first and *then* start planning and looking into what fits in your budget. Also, there are many people who have engagements longer than 1 year. My DH and I were initially planning for a three-year engagement and my sister is having a five-year engagement. It's not uncommon to spread the planning over years to help save and take one's time.

@OP Just ask him to set aside time to discuss budget, priorities, and when he'd want to get married. Once you've determined budget you can fall into planning. I highly recommend divvying up the tasks and setting "unofficial" deadlines for finding/interviewing/booking vendors. My DH and I created a Google account for the wedding and both had access to it. We used Google Calendar, Google Sheets, and Google Drive to keep our proposals/quotes in one spot and to track out budget.

Good luck @OP!

Yes, Fallenwagon, I'm convinced men just Aren't as excited about the planning as we are. They have no BJclue about the importance of starting a year before in order to get all things done. Lucky for us if they're really not intrested in getting married that will come out long before the wedding.

H & I can both be stubborn...it took time to work out a few things. I initially thought we could have a $6K wedding & H wanted a $5K band...clearly we both had to give ($8.5K budget n an awesome DJ in the end).

Can you print off a checklist for your FH to look at/see that having a budget is the 1st thing to be concerned with...followed by venue/guest list?!?

Procrastination, which is your major roadblock, is defined as "to put off intentionally and habitually the doing of something that should be done."

A marriage isn't contingent on the groom speaking to his friends and securing a DJ. A marriage is contingent on two individuals who want to be legally joined, until death do them part, to take the steps necessary to make that happen. You don't need a DJ -- my son and DIL had a gorgeous dinner party wedding that lasted four and half hours, with no DJ, but they did serve top shelf open, apps, and a choice of plated meals. You can skip the DJ if the two of you are determined to be married.

A conversation is in order. A beautiful wedding doesn't require a DJ, but it does require the desire of both parties. Whatever your budget, we can help you put together a lovely, memorable wedding day. All we need is to know that he's on board and not "procrastinating".

Ummm.....are his friends paying for the wedding too??

Speechless. Twice in one week.

Speechless. Twice in one week.

Hisbeauty , he proposed a yr ago in aug . He lead me to believe we would marry me oct 17 . So i moved 5 hours away from my hometown to be with him . My point was why back peddle ? He sais he wants a church wedding . I sort of felt tricked into moving here ... i wasnt convincing him to marry me . I just needed a date since we did not do the original plan. He said 2019. I simply had to be honest with him. I will move out if he wants to wait two years . I can still see him n have a relationship with him but i prefer to be married if i live with him. Thats just me ., nothing wrong with long engagements but i really believed we were marrying in oct and i would like to tesch my daughter to never settle n not let your voice stay on pause just to please him. I have already been abused and went down that one way street in my 2nd marriage ., i am not forcing anyone to marry me . He wants to . I wouldnt break up with him , i just think .. well should he not marry me ,, why not live on my own ? I didnt think that is such a bad thing ., we since talk about the wedding and are very much inlove. I am very sorry if i did not explain right . Op sorry that i took so much space here . Be strong , u have rights and concerns that should be respected .

Tell him how important this is to you and that it is YOUR ALLS wedding, not you, him and his friends.

Honestly? He doesn't sound ready or eager to get married.

And Fallen? There is some real thinking to be done here. Be strong.

Fallenwagon, if you feel trick, that's a huge issue. That's your gut telling you something. If i were you i'd really take a step back and think. FH has never once laughed me off when i bring up wedding stuff. You know who did? My abusive ex. my FH and i don't live together, even if we did, i'd still teach my son to respect himself, and have a voice. I'm not sure what living with him before marriage has to do with teaching your daughter not to settle. Are you perhaps feeling like you're settling, or lost your voice. No one can take that away from you, unless you let them.

I'm with Celia, on this, he doesn't sound ready or eager for it.

You need to tell him BUDGET FIRST, then VENUE, then DATE, and thennnnnn DJ if he wants to do that next. But the first 3 need to be first

The way I got my FH to think about the long process of planning and saving was to show him the budget feature on the WW app. He was insistent that we could do certain things right before the wedding or pay for things when his family was offering. (If we can pay for it we will but certain things will be cut from the wedding based on high base prices.) We discussed and talked about splitting up tasks to make it "our" wedding and what we want instead of me bringing him options that I've spent hours researching and he points at one and says that one looks good.

But I would ultimately ask your SO to sit and research how to plan a wedding with you. There are extensive lists online and while you may know the order of how to start, there is a lot to think about and it may surprise you and your SO on what order you want to consider. So maybe sit and have a Google night.

I also want to make double sure to say i do not have one single thing against long engagements ., i kindly want to say we do not know each other nor the whole story .

So for the record i do not think long engagements are bad . I am

Just saying at my stage in life , setting a date and suddenly dismissing it or delaying it kind of felt like some kind of false promise . I hope i am

Saying it right . I was to move in june and marry in oct. my concern then is well i wanted married to him and i really did not want to just live with him infront of my daughter . I could teach her to be independant to . Speaking for me.. myself i would like being married if living together . I am

Tired of men breaking my heart . I kindly would just of appreciated it if he would of said two yrs or 3 yrs then i would of never moved in til he was ready . I can wait .. thats not the issue but u get my point. He proposed and set the date . Imagine my feelings when he suddenly said lets delay til we can have a big wedding . Big wedding? Lol i thought modest was the idea? But we are good now and have an official date . Op your in my thoughts.