Planning while Grieving

I lost my 2 month old son back in July of this year it was Sudden infant Death Syndrome. I was proposed to just last week so I know how you feel my wedding is supposed to be December 24th of next year 2021 and there are days I’m happy about the wedding but then there are days I’m sad because my baby won’t be here for it

Sorry for your loss.

My fiancé and I are. His Father passed away April 30, 2020. And its been very hard on us. We are to be married May 22, 2021. I know I'm gonna cry on the wedding day because I still cry now.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Ana! My father passed and was not at my wedding and I had numerous breakdowns while planning b/c after I got something together that I knew was going to make my husband and I's wedding great, I felt an overwhelming sadness because my father wouldn't be there to walk me down the aisle or share those special moments a father and daughter do on her wedding day. I thought about him through the entire planning process and all day the day of my wedding.

As a way of honoring him, one of my bridesmaids took a photo of my father and put it on a charm that we attached to my bouquet, so even though my grandfather physically walked me down the aisle, it still felt like my father did too. Maybe you could do something like that on your wedding day so it feels even more like your grandmother is with you.

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I was thinking of doing something similar to what you did Kaysey. I wanted both my mom and my grandmother to walk me down the aisle, as they were the one's that raised me. I want to ask my grandmother's sister to walk me down the aisle in representation of her with my mom as well.

View Quoted Comment Your grandmother’s statement was so sweet. It’s hard for us who are still here, but you’re right about the suffering being over. Coincidentally, I showed my good friend my engagement ring while she laid in a hospital bed that was set up in her bedroom. It was so hard (and still is). But, as you mentioned, they want us to be happy.

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Stephanie,

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby. I can't imagine what that feels. My heart goes out to you. Hugs

View Quoted Comment Thank you! I appreciate it, he would have been 1 yrs old by the time of the wedding.

I 100% feel you. I'm truly sorry for your loss.

I got engaged 12/23/18 - my dad died 5/28/19, my uncled died 11/30/19, my other uncle died 4/21/20 from covid. My mom died back in 2013. My aunt is 81 years old and walking me down the aisle and God only knows if she'll make it to my big ceremony next year.

So i 100% understand your grieving. The two most important people for me: my mom and dad, are not going to be there at my wedding. i planned my entire wedding while grieving my dad and coping with the fact that both my parents won't be there. it's not easy, but actually i felt in some way, planning helped me handle the grieving, it was something happy to focus on. I honestly just try to incorporate them in whatever way i can - My mom's name was Rose and my dad was an amateur astronomer so i've incorporated stars and roses into my decor, and including pictures of them i'm carrying on my bouquet next year. it breaks my heart when i think of it because my dad was dying from heart disease and he was trying really hard to survive to make it to our wedding.

While i plan, I usually go back to thinking about the things that they would have said or done during this time for me. Some of the choices i've made i just think about if they'd have liked those things.

i'm also doing a tribute table with light up stars that have their pictures on each of them and a bouquet of red roses (1 for each person i've lost that won't be there - we have a total of 13 people...) on the table and a sign with a poem i wrote for them.

One advice that was told to me is to remember that your wedding is a joyous occasion, and while those people who passed away do matter a lot to you and there is a hole where they're missing, try not to focus too much on it. Like they told me don't go overboard with focusing on them. that's a hard line to figure out though.

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Adrienne,

Thank you for sharing your story. I love how you are incorporating Roses and stars, your wedding is going to be absolutely beautiful

As far as the uncalled for comment you received of "don't go overboard focusing on them", I will tell you this. Do what Adrienne wants to do on YOUR wedding day. If doing all those things brings you comfort, do it. You can tell them " It is my wedding, and I want to do this".

Hope that helps. I am sorry for your losses.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand how difficult it must be planning while missing your grandmother at the same time.

My grandmother passed away from COVID, as well a few months after our engagement. We picked a venue that was above our budget because it would be close enough to her and easily wheelchair accessible so that she'd be able to make it.

Now that she's gone, I just feel guilty for spending a lot of money on a day that she won't be able to witness. However, my fiance always reassures me that the best way to honor her memory is to be grateful for our health and to know she'll be watching on the wedding day. We'll definitely have a framed picture of her on the wedding day and maybe take some pictures of us holding the frame, as well.

I'm sure your grandmother was so excited for the two of you and is sending you hugs right now. You'll have your good and bad days and it's not a linear process at all. However, just know you're not alone and she knows how much you miss her now.

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I am so very sorry for your loss Janice. Thank you for sharing your story. I know exactly what Covid loss is like, it is unique as it is traumatic. I am sorry for any insensitive comments you may hear regarding Covid. Please be kind to yourself and know you did what you did to accommodate her and she knew that. You loved her so much that you made sure to pick a venue that was easy for her to access.

I remember sending my grandmother a picture of my ring when she was at the hospital. She said my ring was "precioso" (Spanish for Precious). She loved to use that word for things that she liked. I am so glad my fiance proposed at the time she did because my grandmother got to see me engaged and she went knowing this.