Planning a wedding you DON'T WANT

You're not horrible for not being into it, but you two do need to find a way to compromise. You have to honest about your feelings while respecting his. Also, you're very vague on the FMIL issue. How will she ruin it?

Communication is key.

Talk to your FH. don't pretend to be happy about something you're not, especially something like this.

Compromise is important, too. Maybe have a smaller, more intimate wedding?

She dislikes me bc I helped her son be more independent and how to speak up regardless on who it is bc wrong is wrong. So he's told her a few times what she said about me is no longer acceptable and she needs to change or she can't be around. She blames me saying I'm making him act this way when all he is doing is growing up. She's not supportive she was being nasty to him wished him all kinds of bad luck. I personally didn't want to invite her if we did it but then in like she's your mom but if any way she ruins it I'm calling it off and we can go to the courthouse etc etc etc. She's just really negative & nasty towards me &her idea of being nicer was calling me THAT GIRL as if she doesn't remember my name. Or will call and only ask how is he completely forgetting myself and my child exist but asked about his child who he hasn't seen in over a year etc. She's just nasty

IMO you're giving her too much power. She doesn't need to be involved and you can invite her just like any other guest. She can say dumb stuff at the wedding, which is incredibly rude and hurtful, but she'll look like the a-hole. Not you. You can do this and set boundaries.

So, he wants a wedding, and you don't want one because of his mother. Why the hell should either of you lose out?

I'll tell you a secret. My son and DIL, married one month ago, wanted a courthouse wedding. Period. Legal and done. They weren't even thrilled with the idea of us and her parents taking them out to lunch or dinner after their legal wedding.

Guess what happened? A 55 guest wedding -- something held on a private floor of a restaurant, full open bar, five tableside ordered dinners, and four and half hours of absolute splendor. The both of them, my son and DIL, told me that they were so happy that they listened to me and had their ceremony and dinner reception. You know what he remembers? He remembers that fluttering in his stomach as he waited for her, in her bridal gown, to appear at the top of the stairs. You know what she remembers? She remembers a brief, but intense, ceremony that had half the room tearing up. They told me, individually, how thankful they were that we urged them to do something different, something special, something memorable.

I read, over and over again, about people who believe one person out of 20, 30. 50, or 100 will ruin the wedding. They don't.

Now, don't deprive yourself of a once in a lifetime opportunity because of some shrew who won't have balls that are as big as her mouth. Compromise...have your lovely, special wedding, and don't allow anyone to steal that from you.

If you want some ideas, just ask. I saw it done, one month ago, and it was as perfect as a small wedding could be.

It's not her I don't want one ... I don't want 1 in general !!!!

Have you told him flat out that you don't want one, then?

ETA: your original post said you didn't want one because of your FMIL being god awful set in her ways and that she might ruin it so that is confusing to readers.

I'm so glad that your son and Dil had 1 and enjoyed it !! And everything was planned in 1 month ? How the hell lol that's amazing !!?

Yes and he tries to reassure me it'll be ok ... He asks if I'm sure I say yes then a couple days after he's back on it and I'm like WTF !!! And just go with it

If it is not something you want you need to be open and talk to him. Maybe suggest others ideas with him such as a intimate ceremony and dinner or even a brunch/lunch that may give you a different fell that your more comfortable with.

A courthouse wedding IS a wedding..... But it sounds like you two need to meet in the middle somewhere

Don't "just go with it." That sets a precedent for your marriage. As I previously stated, communication is a huge key factor in any relationship. If you've told him how you feel, and he doesn't seem receptive to it, then that's a respect issue as well.

Is he open to a more intimate wedding as opposed to a large one? Would he be helping with planning or is this supposed to be all on you?

I need examples of more intimate? I'm totally ok with eloping lol ... It's just I feel it's mostly my people coming if we do it and I told him that his response was that's fine ... I'm like WTF just please change your mind but today he's picking out decor and what not so I just go with it

More intimate as in either DW, elopement, or at a venue with a smaller number of guests. A courthouse wedding is still considered a wedding. Does he want a celebration in general or does he want people to come see y'all being joined together in marriage?

"Just please change your mind" sounds incredibly unsupportive of his wishes. Dismissing each other does not lead to a healthy relationship.

You could have a courthouse wedding in formal attire and just a few guests. Then you can celebrate with a wonderful dinner afterwards. It doesn't have to break the bank.

I honestly want it just to be us at the courthouse ... I don't want anyone there bc I don't want to fly my parents out to a courthouse wedding. We can get engagement pics taken and even get wedding attire and have a photoshoot. But the inviting of people planning of any sort I am not that into. We can still honeymoon and all if he wants. I just want the paperwork and we be done with it .... start our new lives and move

So I proposed the idea of eloping to Las Vegas, FH was down with it when I explained how much I hated having mental breakdowns about a big wedding, We decided we are having the big wedding, I want it but it's way too far away for me to care, and when I do, I have stupid other people giving me lip saying I'm being ridiculous. I want to elope.

Are you open to having a private courthouse ceremony and then a celebration after?

That seems like the best of both worlds for what you both want.

Again, talk to him. Sit him down, have a serious talk. Make your point known. Don't just "go with it," but also don't dismiss what he wants either.

Thank you I'm going to try talk about it once more. I know we have 10 months bc I want the exact date of August 5 & maybe it's my fault for not rushing to the courthouse at 1st when we knew we'd marry each other ... I think I'm to blame

If you are really unhappy you should tell him. You may be able to find a compromise. Either a small wedding, a destination wedding or the courthouse wedding with the promise of a big anniversary party next year. Even a courthouse wedding with a few people may be a compromise that could work.