Personal Attendants

I'm another one who is confused on why you want to include someone you're not all that close to. I had 3 women in my bridal party. My two closest friends and my oldest niece. Everyone else who I was close to was included by being guests at our wedding. I really don't get personal attendants. If they're included in everything the bridesmaids are included in (as people who defend the pa role claim) then have her be a bridesmaid. She's close enough to get ready with and take pictures with the bridesmaids but not close enough to actually be called a bridesmaid?

You may not be offended, but many people would be. A personal attendant isn't close enough to be publicly honored, but you still want them to attend to your needs the day of your wedding. Also, why would you even want to run the risk of offending her knowing that so many would be insulted by this.

My DOC package comes with one so I'll have one but I'm PAYING her and she isn't a friend or family member. Where I'm from having an unpaid person you know he an attendant isn't a thing so this is odd to me

I'd worry hiring a DOC before I even thought about a personal attendant. I just carried around my own bottle of water & stuffed the bust of my dress with whatever else I needed (hotel key card, lip balm...that's about it ). I'm classy like that...lol Or at least self sufficient :o

Giving guests a 'job' so they don't feel left out???

Jessie - I would reconsider having her get ready with you as Rica suggested. It just seems a little uncomfortable to get ready with the bride and BMs, but not walk down the aisle like they will. Honestly, being a guest at a wedding is fine for your cousin. She can enjoy the ceremony and have a great time at the reception.

Never heard of this, so thanks for asking.

I don't really get why guest lists, bridal parties and 'periferal people'' get so bloated. Not everyone even WANTS to be in a wedding; it's not universally considered an honor. It's time consuming, it costs money, and I betcha half the people asked in any capacity wonder why.

I was asked to be my friends attendant and we are still great friends. She asked me so I could be around for a lot of the other activities without having to buy a new dress (I was in 2 of my sister's wedding that same year). She did it to be nice and thats how I took it. She wasn't demanding or rude. I asked my future sister in law, since my wedding party is already at 14 with just my biological sisters on my side, to be my attendant and she said she would love to. She's getting married 3 months later. So I want her around for everything without it costing her extra money. So contrary to a lot of people's opinion,I find nothing disrespectful about it.

IMO it's a shitty thing to do to another person, especially one you aren't close to. If you want someone at your peck and call you hire them. You don't guilt a friend into it.

If you don't have them do all of the traditional PA jobs and just have them get ready with you and do really simple stuff like fluff your veil or whatever it's like a slap in the face. You are basically giving them busy work because you have a tangential connection to them and there is no real purpose for them. They'll wonder why you asked them other than to have a bigger entourage of people going "oh! so pretty!"

Cmon don't do that to her!

A personal attendant is more of a film industry term. Bridal Attendant is what we call it down South. Mine asked if she could! Not every bride is rude, forgetful, and inconsiderate and will have their B.A. running all day. Mine will be getting ready with us and just having a good time. Maybe hand out some of the tip envelopes at the end of the night.

Omg. Language please

Dang I feel so sorry for OP. She simply asked a genuine question and she seriously got attacked.

We're all grown women, asking for opinions from other women. If something isn't a good idea, can't we just say "hey maybe that isn't a good idea and this is why." Old members thinking us newbies are soft and expect everyone to be nice, sweet and supportive. Honestly, that's not the case. We just get caught off guard, posting a question like OP did then get attacked. What's the point of continuing on using the platform. I've been on the forum for 3-4 days now and this is what I've been biting my tongue about. Reason, obviously being me not wanting to get attacked. I even saw someone correcting someone else grammar, like really, is that serious?

If you’re not that close with your cousin, I wouldn’t ask her to be anything. I would just enjoy her presence at the wedding. If you must include her, invite her to get ready with you. My brothers girlfriend was not in the wedding party but we are very friendly. She loves girly things like getting her hair and makeup done so I invited her to come have her hair and makeup done. She was 100% in our getting ready shots. When we were done, we all stepped out to do first look and wedding party pictures and she had a glass of champagne with my parents and other family members who started arriving early for family pictures. And yes, we included her in family pictures. There was literally nothing I needed the morning of the wedding that an “attendant” could have done for me. She got to relax and enjoy the morning, which is all your cousin should do. Also for the record - one of my friends was in her roommates wedding party. I wasn’t close to the roommate so I got invited last minute. The bride invited me to come hang out with them while they got ready but I couldn’t do hair and makeup. I thought it was weird so I declined but my friend asked me to bring shoes or something she forgot. I was annoyed because I found out they were basically setting me up to be an attendant. On my way over, the bride texted me to ask me to bring her Starbucks. When I got there, she said, “oh. Well I guess Starbucks can be my present.” For the next hour, she and my close friend proceeded to ask me to hand her stuff, go get her tissues from the restroom, go get something from the car, hold stuff while they took pictures, find her excedrin. I was so annoyed by the time the wedding started, I drank myself through cocktail hour with another distant friend who had been invited the day of, ate dinner, and left before dancing started.

FutureMrsSoto, she was 13. You can always have her be a junior bridesmaid if you feel she's too young to be a bridesmaid.

We had a venue who had a specific member of their staff who was assigned to assist the bride and groom throughout the day and make sure they ate etc. this is fine. This is a paid employee of the venue.

It is not okay to ask a close friend or family member to be your maid for the day.

I had a friend that I thought I was super close to. I thought I was going to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She didn't pick me due to a lame excuse. She said" you're a guest of honor". We wore the same color as bridesmaid and did the same thing, basically. Thinking back on it, I would never do this again. I rather just be a guest.

@Laura Really? lol

A friend once asked me to be there for her like that and I was honored to be asked. I totally understood she had closer friends and relatives in her bridal party and it was nice for her to have someone to help with the little stuff and with the pictures who wasn't also getting ready to the extent bridesmaids do. I also stayed with her the night before and her parents paid for our hotel room. This friend has also offered to help me with anything I need for the wedding.

Most of our upscale venues have a bridal attendant assigned to the bride/brides. I can tell you that this person is running their ass off all day long (or at least for as long as I'm there).

No matter how you want to paint it, it clearly says, "you're not as important as them". It's a Cinderella.

I'm not sure if everyone has just had bad experiences having or being a PA, but where I'm from it is considered really fun and an honor to be included. We don't think "hey you're not important enough to be a BM but you're good enough to be my slave," and I've never ran into anybody that was offended by being asked. It's kind of the "non-normal" NOT to have one and when someone asks who your PA is and you say "oh I don't have one" they look at you in shock and basically tell you good luck keeping everything in tact and organized on your wedding day. I don't understand why everyone's so salty about it. I guess another thing, though, is that we don't really have a lot of options for DOC's, so maybe it really is a regional thing and also depends on your available professional resources. (and how upscale your wedding is going to be, maybe?) Usually the bride and groom's families (where I'm from) just help with anything that isn't already included after hiring vendors (all from the norm to offer your help, not "hiring" your family to do the leftover dirty work).

Maybe the fact that everyone is pretty laid back where I live has something to do with it. Nobody takes anything personally or with offense. I'm having a PA, and honestly, at first I wasn't going to but everybody started getting in my head about "oh my gosh in my experience you will be sorry you didn't have one" (but again, it's also not the norm here to hire a DOC). I have four bridesmaids, and we are doing our own makeup rather than paying for it so asking my PA kind of started off with asking her to help with makeup since she's good at it and it's something she likes doing. Since it was too late in the engagement to ask her to be a bridesmaid (due to dress ordering delays) but yet she was already so helpful to me and started becoming a closer friend over recent months, AND she was already basically going to be getting ready with us and hanging out all day, I asked her to be my PA so she had a title. And she was ECSTATIC! We are both super excited to be hanging out on such a special day! Being a PA around here is actually a pretty casual, but fun, honor.

She will not be my "servant" for the day. Pretty much her "duties" will include helping us with our makeup and keeping our moods lightened throughout the getting ready process, and she will probably be helping me pin bouts on the guys (if needed). She will be honored in the program, receive a thank you gift, and be included in pictures with us. I'm sure other things will come up throughout the day, and that's what she's there for as well since the BMs and MOH have their own selves to get ready and worry about (but I'm not going to make her run for coffee, or pick everyone up lunch, or coordinate the reception space, or anything else that seems like she's just my task runner). Yes, the purpose of the BMs and MOH is to be there for whatever the bride needs, but chances are, they won't be able to handle EVERYTHING going on when they, too, have to get themselves ready just like the bride. They are full-on there for the bride throughout the rest of the day, but the PA is there for the bride and the bridal party mainly during the getting ready process since they are all pretty busy with that. The only other task I could think of giving her is I will probably have her fix my train and veil before I walk down the aisle (considering my BMs and MOH will already be down the aisle before me and can't in any way help with that, and I feel like it's also somewhat of an honor to be the one to do that for the bride). Then, she will be allowed to sit with her SO in the reserved seating at the ceremony.

I think it mainly comes down to who the bride is as a person and how she's known to treat people, and also what she might have in mind for "duties"...if she wants somebody to run around for her all day, touch up the decorations, hand off vendor payments, coordinate the processional line-up, etc. (ESPECIALLY if there is a large guest count, the wedding is super upscale, etc.) then I strongly think a DOC is necessary. If she wants an extra friend to keep her and her maids sane, have fun, be included in everyone hanging out and taking pictures, and be honored in every way possible just like everyone else, I don't see anything wrong with a PA. It's a way to say "hey, you're my friend, and I would love if you would hang out with me on my wedding day!" Here, it's an honor just to be included in ANY way and get to hang out with the bride and her maids all day. You're important enough for the bride to think of including you on her special day as more than a regular guest, period. There is no "You're important enough to be this but not that."

Another point is that maybe sometimes it might also be a friendly courtesy to keep in mind the budgets of your close friends. Maybe you have 10 really really good friends, and only 7 of them can afford the bridesmaid dress/designer you want. Well, asking the other 3 to be PA's might be a good way to say hey you're part of my wedding party and will be included in everything and honored but you don't have to spend $200-$300 on a dress you'll wear once.