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Partner in wedding with guy who took her virginity

Collin, on February 25, 2023 at 7:13 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 1 25
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So my partner was asked to be in my brother in-laws wedding by his fiancé but brother in-law didn’t ask me. We have 2 children together and I’m expected to sit alone with them. No big deal. But then I come to find out that my brother in-laws friend is a groomsman and this is the guy who took her virginity. Am I wrong for preferring that my s/o sits with me and our children? When I try to explain my feelings about it it always leads to an argument and she says she feels like it’s in the past and I could care less about the past. I just want her to sit with me instead of making me sit with our kids while she is in a wedding with him and being forced to deal with the negative emotions. She says that she doesn’t understand how I expect her to tell them that she’d rather sit with us. Granted that her brother doesn’t even know that the man that is going to be his groomsman has hid the fact that he took his sister’s virginity for 10+ years. And not only that there is 12 bridesmaids and groomsman and it feels like she was added to balance the number. I’ve tried expressing my feelings about the situation to be made to feel like I’m in the wrong in the situation. Am I actually wrong if so help me understand and if not how can I go about this situation?

25 Comments

Latest activity by Mel, on December 11, 2025 at 5:52 PM
  • C
    CM ·
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    You are 100% out of line. And I say this as someone who depending on circumstances can sometimes be on the other side of issues involving relationships with exes. This isn’t even about an ongoing friendship, however, it’s literally about being adult enough to be civil for a few hours and standing up on opposite sides of the couple. It’s a you problem.


    This is also the bride’s future sister-in-law so I don’t know where you get the idea that your wife was added just for the sake of even numbers. I think you need to get out of your own head on this one. This is in the past, and she married you,
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    1- You're still a family if she stands in this wedding. 2-your partner has bodily autonomy that means you cannot tell her where to sit and stand. Ever. 3- You hurt yourself and your family by holding onto antiquated ideas of sexuality. 4- Even enemies can be civil in a wedding party. Have your "negative emotions" and get over it.
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  • C
    Collin ·
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    Being civil is not the issue and it’s my in-laws as well but I put my partners feelings before everyone including my own family because how she feels as the other half of our household is more important than any of that. And I see it as it’s said in the Bible in Matthew 19:4-6 u‘Therefore a man shall leave hisfather and his mother and hold fast to his wife,and vthe two shall become one flesh’? 6 So theyare no longer two but one flesh. wWhattherefore God has joined together, let not manseparate.”
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  • Cece
    Master October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Wow, I am shocked this even needs to be said; but yes, you are absolutely in the wrong. Your partner’s sexual past has absolutely no bearing on her standing in her brother’s wedding. You need to let go of this petty insecurity immediately, and stop making her feel guilty for your irrational feelings.
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  • C
    Collin ·
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    Is a couple not meant to be regarded as one? The ideaology behind separating women/men from the s/o and their children regarding anything in my eyes is not ok. The perspective of making your man sit aside with the children y’all made together while you participate in anything with the man who took your virginity seems very taboo. I understand the wedding thing and I’d be perfectly fine and can happily compromise if that was it but when you involve past sexual partners I don’t feel as if not offering compromise to your partner for the sake of anyone conveys that you prioritize them and their feelings at all. I haven’t spoken to one man yet who has not agreed with me and I’ve spoken to many women who say they’d sit with their s/o without even having to think about it because they would expect their man to do the same .
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  • C
    Collin ·
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    I’m not seeking to be berated or called insecure I am seeking understanding. I am politely asking to be helped to understand because I know as much as anyone that all feelings are valid regardless of anything because it’s all about perspective and personal ideals.
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  • Cece
    Master October 2023
    Cece ·
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    Well I just asked my fiancé, his best friend, and his 64 year old father… and they were all SHOCKED at your feelings/actions regarding this. Each of them said your behavior is childish and controlling. And my FFIL said that if you truly believe this and see no error in your ways, he is concerned about how your partner is treated behind closed doors.
    Your partner is not an accessory and not something for you to control. Being in a relationship with you does not mean she no longer has personal autonomy or the right to do things without you.
    You have now heard from multiple women who most certainly do NOT agree with you, and would not expect their S/Os to forfeit being in their own sibling’s wedding out of personal insecurities. If my fiancé behaved this way I would leave him immediately (and vice versa)! I would highly suggest you seek the guidance of a (non-religious) therapist to help you work through your issues.
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  • H
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    ….you’re not being separated. Are you saying you never exist in different parts of the same room ever? You two are not joined at the hip. You can survive an hour of sitting with your kids while she is standing up in her brother’s wedding. It doesn’t matter who else is also in the room and what her history is with them. It was over a decade ago. You need to let this go.
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  • Bird
    Super June 2021
    Bird ·
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    Is your wife uncomfortable being around the man that took her virginity? Did he sexually abuse her?
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  • Mcskipper
    Master July 2018
    Mcskipper ·
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    You are WAY too focused on the virginity issue, and it ruins your whole argument. Let it go. It would be nice to get to sit with your family, that’s the way I would prefer it to as a guest or member of the wedding party. But it’s not a big deal to be separated for one meal. And the fact that you seemed fine with it until the virginity issue came up is pretty gross. It’s not relevant. Not to this event, and not to anything in her adult life. You are in the wrong dwelling on something that happened over 10 years ago. Everyone has a history, let it go.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Can you explain? I thought you are just sitting with your children during the Church ceremony (1 hour) and you will all sit together at the reception as a family. Is the couple having a head table and you will be separated for dinner also? If so, why doesn't she tell her brother & FSIL she wants to have dinner with her family instead? Head tables are old style and uncomfortable for couples anyway. Who wants to sit alone? Anyway, I am embarrassed that you and your male friends do not respect your partners' privacy. They have a right to have a life before partnership, just like you. Because you probed too much, you are now hurting yourself.
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  • M
    VIP August 2021
    Michelle ·
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    Agreed. OP this virginity hang-up is misogyny. Don't pass these ideas of gender-related shame onto the next generation. Serves no purpose except to control women and girls.
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  • Peanut
    Savvy August 2023
    Peanut ·
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    Agree with the others that you're in the wrong. The past is the past. What are you so worried about happening? To add to my perspective on this topic - my partner has a grooms-woman in his wedding party who he had a sexual relationship long ago in the past and then they both realized they were better friends. I have zero issue with her being in the wedding party.
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  • M
    Expert July 2023
    Michele ·
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    It's ok to have feelings but they are rooted in insecurity. She's not in a wedding WITH him. They both happen to be in the same bridal party. Please allow her to share on this special day without overshadowing the happiness by your insecurities.
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  • Ashlee
    Super September 2022
    Ashlee ·
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    THIS. Plus there are 22 other people in this wedding party if there are 12 groomsmen and 12 bridesmaids. And the bridesmaids/groomsmen rarely have to interact.

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  • M
    Expert July 2023
    Michele ·
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    Yes, indeed.
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  • Alyssa
    Super October 2023
    Alyssa ·
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    My friend I think you have some bigger more repressed feelings here. You're also acting like having to sit with YOUR kids while your wife sits at the head table (with the rest if the party!) Is a personal dig at you. It's not. See a therapist, a chaplain, a pastor or whatever ever you need but this jealousy you're feeling over something that happened 10+ years ago is not healthy.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    Wow this post screams control issues. It sounds like you feel you are entitled to control her and isolate her from the rest of her family simply because she married you. Just because you are married doesn't mean the rest of her family ceased to exist. That being said her brother and his fiancee don't need to ask your permission for her to be in the wedding. Nor does it mean she was simply asked to be in the wedding just so both sides had even numbers. It is extremely common for the sister of the groom to be a bridesmaid. I was the maid of honor in my brother's wedding and my husband's sister was a bridesmaid in our wedding. I also think your hangup on the groomsman being one of your wife's past sexual partners is crazy. This was over a decade ago and before she met you. You need to let it go. The ceremony won't be that long and it's not like you will be separated from your wife all evening. But if you continue to harp on this I'm afraid you might cause not only damage to your marriage but damage to your relationships with her family.
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  • Caryn
    Devoted November 2023
    Caryn ·
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    All of this. I just wanted to add that unless she was sexually assaulted (which would be a whole different matter), he didn't "take" her virginity. She decided that her first time would be with him. Nothing more than that.

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  • W
    Dedicated June 2022
    Whitney ·
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    He "took" her virginity? Ten years ago? Who cares. Don't you have children with this women?

    For the sake of your marriage, I'd strongly recommend you work through some of your control issues with a professional therapist. Behavior like this can destroy a relationship.

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