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Michelle
Super October 2020

Parent contributions, is there an etiquette to how much?

Michelle, on August 12, 2020 at 3:59 PM Posted in Family and Relationships 0 26


Fiancé and I were going to have a fairly small wedding since initially we would pay ourselves but then our parents wanted to help out and throw a big wedding. So we budgeted off of how much they would contribute. My mom offered 40%. Fiancé’s mom and stepdad offered 12-15%. I am grateful for the contributions but I wonder why she helped out her daughter with like 50% for her wedding. In our culture, it’s usually the groom’s family paying most of it as a “dowry”, old traditions or even half.

Anyway, we are near completing payments and fiancé’s mom gave us a check way below what she said she would pay...like 5%. Again, I am grateful she offered payment but we budgeted from the discussions we all had. Not to mention half of the guest list is mostly her side of the family and friends she keeps trying to add on. It makes me feel bad that my parents are helping pay for a large portion of it if it’s mainly their side. I told my mom to not give me more money because I felt bad but my mom insists.


So now we are trying to come up with a way to make the complete payments, maybe sell some things and just make some major budgets. I’m just a little confused why fiancé’s mom said she would pay an amount and give less than half of what she said she would. What’s worse, I hear they’re going to vacation at some expensive resort in Mexico later this year and next year now!
Like I said, we weren’t expecting any help but when we budgeted around what we said she’d pay but isn’t even giving half of what she said she would... I’m so confused. It’s not about the money.

I’m annoyed my mom is paying for a lot of the wedding with mainly her guests and his side of the family, they’re going to fancy vacations out the country this year and next year, not to mention contributed way more to his sister. I’m not going to say anything but I just feel slighted in how this happened.

26 Comments

Latest activity by Michelle, on August 13, 2020 at 4:55 PM
  • Caytlyn
    Legend November 2019
    Caytlyn ·
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    A lot of people have had changes in income due to the pandemic. Since you don’t know the depths of your in laws finances, I would assume that they’re doing what they can. Unfortunately, this is why people advise not to spend money that you don’t have in hand. These vacations could have been booked months, if not years, in advance.
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  • E
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
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    My dad is paying for our entire wedding. When got engaged he mentioned wanting to contribute. When we got serious about a venue we went and talked to him and discussed a budget.
    FHs family isn’t paying for anything at all, though we expect that as my dad is better off financially then FH family.
    If it wasn’t for my dad and we were paying ourselves it would be a backyard wedding with about 20 people because that’s what we could have afforded
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  • Kimberly
    Super March 2021
    Kimberly ·
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    PP is right, you don’t know what their current financials are. Unfortunately you should have only budgeted for a wedding you could afford with money in hand. Saying it isn’t about the money and then pointing out that they didn’t give you as much money as they said and they gave their daughter much more money and they’ve spent a lot of money on vacations certainly sounds like it is about the money.
    Chalk it up to a bad decision on your and FH’s part and move on. Good luck!
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  • Michelle
    Super October 2020
    Michelle ·
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    It’s not about the money to me whereas I feel like they didn’t need to add all their guests on the list that we already invited and then give us way less than agreed upon. I would have done it my way with a small wedding just close friends and family with our money only.
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  • Michelle
    Super October 2020
    Michelle ·
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    Same, as I mentioned. If it had been up to us it would’ve been simply close friends and family. We invited many of her guests and there’s a lot of people on their side which is way more than what she had given and less than what was agreed on is the question I raise. Had I known it would be this way, I would’ve just stuck to our wants and our own money.
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  • V
    Champion July 2019
    Veronica ·
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    There isno etiquette. No one is required to pay for your wedding except for you and your future spouse. Like the other poster mentioned, the pandemic has had a huge effect on people's income. While it is disappointing, there isn't much you can do about it.
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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    Cultures / Traditions have changed however in the US the bride’s parents usually pay the majority of weddings. Now it is getting more popular that the couple pays themselves.


    Sorry that happened to you, is there anyway you can cut back on some things to avoid selling stuff?
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  • Michelle
    Super October 2020
    Michelle ·
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    Hope and pray people say no due to Covid lol. It’s ok, we can manage but it just sucks is all.
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  • E
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
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    Yes. My dad ended up raising our budget because my mom had about 25 people on her list
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  • Margaret
    Master October 2020
    Margaret ·
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    Completely understand!
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  • E
    Super October 2020
    Emma ·
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    If it wasn’t for the fact that people were already sent the invites I would be taking people off the list to accommodate your new budget.
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  • Michelle
    Super October 2020
    Michelle ·
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    Yeah, I’m just hoping there are a good amount of no’s considering they’re older.
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  • VIP August 2020
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    There really isn't any perfectly applicable etiquette here. Technically, Caytlyn is right that you shouldn't spend money that you don't have on hand, but since you've already done that, you'll have to figure out how to work with you do have. The first thing to do would be to have your fiancé talk to his mom to see if she's willing and able to give you what she said she would. Regardless of her answer, the next thing you need to do is reframe how you're thinking about this whole process. In most situations, weddings are financed by some combination of the couple and each of their sets of parents. People tend to contribute what they think they can because they want to help, but the amount of money someone puts in should have little bearing on the number of guests they're allowed to invite. For example, with our guest list, my parents added 60 people, his parents added 50, and we added 40 because that made sense based on the numbers of relatives and close friends we have. If we had divided the guest list strictly by budget contribution, for the same size guest list, my parents would've added 144, his would've added 16, and we would've added 0. It just doesn't make sense to do it that way. If you would have to sell things to pay for the missing budget items but your mom can afford to help you without making things difficult for her, thank her profusely and accept the money and think very carefully about whether to accept help from your fiancé's parents in the future.

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  • Michelle
    Super October 2020
    Michelle ·
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    Thank you so much!!! Yes, that last line for sure lol.
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  • H
    Devoted August 2023
    Hhh ·
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    I understand when everyone says don’t budget for what you don’t have, but they offered and committed the money, had guests added accordingly and now are backing out. (If the amount was under $500 then this would be a legal breach of contract).

    I would ask your finance to talk to them. Yes the promise was made to you both, but it will be hard for you to come off in a favorable/nonjudgmental light in that conversation. Maybe money is tighter now with Covid, or maybe there was a misunderstanding on your side about the agreement- either way you will be a lot more understanding to actually hear their side.

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  • L
    Expert September 2020
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    Theres no set rules for this. Of course tradition is the brides family pays for more and grooms family gets the rehearsal dinner. But it’s really all about financial situations and who can afford to do what
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  • Rebelle Fleur
    Master July 2021
    Rebelle Fleur ·
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    I would just be honest with her and let her know she can’t add people if she isnt paying for them because you can’t afford it.
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  • Countrydarlin2022
    Dedicated April 2022
    Countrydarlin2022 ·
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    I understand your frustration but I think you need to be realistic, and are being a little much You mentioned the vacation I feel like it's a little much to get mad that they are having a vacation in mexico instead of financing your wedding, I know they promised to help however there has been a pandemic and maybe can no longer help as they thought they could. I would appreciate any help with my wedding unfortunately we are paying this for ourselves

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  • Chrysta
    Master November 2022
    Chrysta ·
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    So sorry this is happening to you and your FH. And also so sorry for the harsh critiques you seem to be getting! I completely disagree with most PPs... you had a verbal commitment from his parents to contribute a specific amount of money, and they did not honor that commitment. I do not feel you are “at fault” for taking them at their word and responsibly budgeting based on the information you were given. Sure, maybe their financial situation has changed due to the pandemic... but I feel they should have been upfront with you about it & let you know that they were going to have to reduce the amount they had committed to contributing so that you and FH could make whatever changes were necessary. Especially if they have insisted on adding a significant amount people to the guest list! If you need to cut costs, I would cut down the guest list, starting with the in-law’s “add ons”. If they have an issue with it, simply state it’s not in the budget. They can then make the decision whether they want to contribute more in order to have their friends attend.
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  • Michelle
    Super October 2020
    Michelle ·
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    Right lol. Well I would be paying our wedding ourselves if the parents had not convinced us otherwise.
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