panic

It's okay to be panicked, this sounds super stressful! If you can no longer get married at this church, I'd start asking around and trying to find a new location for your ceremony. You can have a family member or friend get ordained for the day if need be, but make sure you can find a new place where you can have your wedding ceremony. Maybe enlist family members' help to ask around and see if any other churches (Catholic or otherwise) might be okay with you getting married there, or otherwise consider non-religious event spaces where you can bring in your own officiant.

Is there a reason the priest doesn't want you getting married there?

Yikes! I don’t know much about Catholicism, is that normal for them to not allow you to get married in the church??

Where are you having your reception? Any chance you can just have the ceremony there too?

Sorry I don't have a religious background, but is this normal? Did he give a reason why not?

I'm so sorry this happened, I hope that you can find another venue for your ceremony!!

This is so weird. Not to add to your panic, but will the catholic church recognize your marriage or is the priest acting only as a legal officiant in this case. Thb, I wouldn't want his officiating period.

Start with your reception venue as an alternative ceremony location. You can also look at local parks. Good luck!!

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm not Catholic personally, but some Priests are very stringent since marriage is seen as a Sacrament in the Catholic church. Would you both be willing to have a protestant minister officiate but still have a religious ceremony, or is it important to you to be married in the Catholic Church? Are there any more progressive priests in your area who might not have the problem that the current Priest had with performing the marriage ceremony?

How important is getting married in the Catholic Church to the two of you? If it’s not that important anymore you have so many options! We briefly considered just getting married at the courthouse for the legality of it then having our ceremony done by a friend for the wedding with all our guests. We ended up having the friend apply to get a one time civil celebrants license so he can legally marry us! Even if the Catholic Church is super important to you you still have plenty of time! At least invitations haven’t been sent yet!

Listen -- cringing and being uncomfortable in the church is not how you want to start you marriage. I was devastated to a degree when I found out we weren't going to get married in a Catholic church, but the priest said "you can't alienate half of the family on the day or are bringing the two families together," and "don't start off your marriage by bringing in the history of Catholic antisemitism."

We're getting a dispensation from the bishop to be married outside the church. Since you are a non-Christian, it was never going to be a sacramental marriage, but it can still be valid in the eyes of the church, if that's important to your FH (it is to me, in our case). Once you have the dispensation, the main requirement is that you get married indoors. We are having a priest and a rabbi co-officiate.

I think unfortunately if the priest feels that a couple is not ready for marriage, he will not marry them in the church. I as well am getting married through the Catholic church and I know for us, when we went to him to ask him and book our date... He counseled us and made sure marriage is what we wanted... He gave us advice and at the end said he'd be happy to marry us. Because Catholics believe (which I am sure other religions do as well) that once you are married- it's for life and you cannot get a divorce unless if there is cheating/abuse going on that's why they are able to make that decision.

I would still, if it were me- go to a different church and talk to another priest.

It's weird how he said you are "not in a place where it would be a sacrament." If you aren't baptized in any Christian denomination, it was never going to be a sacrament. Marriage is a sacrament that the couple gives to each other, so they both need to be baptized for that to work. There are still ways that you can have a valid Catholic wedding. I feel for your partner, I do, but YOU have the right to be comfortable to. He can still be Catholic and not have the wedding be at the expense of your well being. Ask the priest about the dispensation of canonical form. Take care!

I would reach out to the reception vendor and see if you can have both there. You can search officiants on here or asked a friend to do it (if they are able to). Deep breath! It may not be exactly how you wanted it but it may turn out better!

So, good news: we have LOTS of friends who are ordained in New York and can marry us. That's not an issue.

Bad news: FH is more upset about this than he is willing to admit. It's his church, we have been talking with the priest since LAST AUGUST, we did an expensive precana weekend (that I wrote about on here, because I had at least 2 panic attacks and it was so poorly run it was unfunny), and we planned the entire rest of the wedding around this church. We have discussed what happened and we still really don't understand WHY, and now it's causing arguments, because we understand it differently and are having drastically different emotional reactions to it.

Bonus for the part where FH has to go to San Diego this Thursday-Monday because his grandmother passed around Easter and they only just decided to have a memorial service. I can't go, because my parents are flying IN on Thursday and will only be here until the following Wednesday. This will be their only trip here until the wedding.

...Aaaaaaaaaand I got my period a few days early tonight.

So, the priest said that he's not comfortable marrying us in the church, because he doesn't think we are ready for the "sacrament". Please keep in mind I am not Christian. I do not comprehend the problem, and even when I ask, no one seems to be able to adequately explain what that means to me. He has no objection to us marrying civilly, but he will not do it in the church. Again, we've been talking to him since LAST August. We did precana. We we open with him that it was NOT a good experience, but we also discussed it with him and between ourselves, and we were prepared to move forward. FH seems hopeful that we could have a convocation (?) one day, but I flat out don't want one. If the priest is not comfortable marrying us now, I do not see how this would change in a year.

If the problem is that I have problems with the Church (and so does FH), those aren't going away in a year. They will not go away unless the Church changes drastically (we're both concerned with systemic problems in the Catholic Church). If the problem is that I don't grasp the concept of "sacrament" and that I am not able to "consent to it" - something I have been asking to be explained for nearly a year without ever fully understanding it, as I grew up in a Quaker school (no sacraments) and as a non-Christian out of school - then that will not change in a year, as it appears to require me to believe something I do not. (And that will also piss me off, as the priest has spoken to us about the interfaith couples he HAS married.) If the problem is a third, nebulous problem, the priest has yet to explain it to either of us (despite the talk today), and therefore it is not a problem we can solve, as we do not know what it is.

After everything I have done for this, all of the pain and money and work, to have the priest tell us, 3 1/2 months out, that he won't do it, that we're "not there", I'm DONE. I compromised a LOT to try to satisfy the church, I put my own health at risk, and the response is, "nope, not good enough" (FH says that wasn't what was said, but from my end, that's what it sounds like)... Nope. Just... No. Either what I did was enough, because it was what the Church asked of me, or it is not, and some fundamental concept was not conveyed and apparently will never be conveyed, so there is no chance for me to actually try. If this priest is willing to marry other interfaith couples, BUT NOT US, then I can only conclude it is something I am not able/willing to do/understand. So, I'm no longer interested in trying to please the church.

Oh, yeah, and it's my mother's birthday Wednesay, mother's day Sunday, and she and I have an awful relationship and apparently she had a childhood friend of mine at her party (I never knew there was a party), and she posted it all on FB.


TL; DR: I'm having a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day.

I am so sorry this happened to you! My husband & I were cradle Catholics & had no issues with our pre-cana & priest. We have been happily married for almost 23 years. We left Catholiciscm about 10 years ago. We are still very religious and attend church regularly.

I would have a heart to heart with your future husband. Can you find common ground religiously? Does he want to marry you even though 1 priest said no? Is he comfortable with your morals & the way you conduct yourself? Is he willing to forego being married in a Catholic church? I would also want to know if my FH was trying to please parents or grandparents by being married in the Catholic church?

I hope your nad day turns into a wonderful week & an incredible wedding in August! Best wishes for a happy life together!

That's not the problem.

The problem is we don't have a ceremony space, we hadn't budgeted for it, and we still haven't ordered invitations because we were waiting on the priest.

The priest just basically threw a bomb in our wedding plans and caused us both to question the church, not each other.

This royally sucks ! The catholic church has always been a mystery in all that they do. I asked my fh if he wanted to be married in a church, since he is catholic, but im a protestant and even so i was willing to go with it if he wanted to. Thankfully, he said he would be ok with doing it in a courthouse instead. But since we are both a little tiny bit religious we are having an unofficial ceremony with my mother (she is a religious icon of sorts) before the reception with friends and family and do a prayer and you know the stuffs... maybe talk to him about something like this?

Ugh I am so sorry you are going through this! I would be so upset. I think you and your FH need to have a serious sit down and talk about everything. There has to be a good middle ground that you two can meet at.

This absolutely sucks. I'm United Methodist, but my father grew up Catholic. A long time ago, I realized I several beliefs about the Catholic church I could never square with my own faith. To find a ceremony space, I suggest looking at other churches. Try Unitarian Universalist, Episcopal, United Methodist, esp. Most would want to charge you, but contact the pastor, explain what has been happening, and hopefully you'll find a church willing to open up their space at a low cost. I (would hope) that my own church would be willing to offer this type of hospitality to a person in your situation. Just beware: New York has weird laws about online ordination and who can marry people (some of which have changed recently), so if you go that route, research it carefully.

I grew up Catholic but have long since walked away... there are just some things I can not fundamentally accept or turn a blind eye to.

The church is just weird. For example, my grandmother remarried in 1985 to Ed (the only grandfather I knew). Between them, they had 7 kids, 53 years of marriage, and were both widows. All 7 of the kids were raised in the church and they were both hard core Catholics. They were not allowed to get married in the church without going through pre-cana again, even though they both clearly knew what marriage required and divorce was not a part of the equation... The church just wants its money and doesn't care who it steps on to get it.

As a Quaker, were you baptized?

You should still be able to have your wedding in the Catholic church but without the mass. Ask the Priest.

View Quoted Comment I'm not Quaker, I just went to school with them. Also, again, Quakers do not have sacraments. There is no baptism in quakerism.