Nicole
Devoted April 2020

Over all rant to let it out

Nicole, on September 4, 2019 at 11:59 AM Posted in Community Conversations 0 26
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OK ladies,

If any of you are planning the wedding almost ALL by yourself, I need your words of wisdom to calm down. I have gotten our venue, DJ, photographer, food and bev taken care of. I've posted before that I am moving in October which put a huge weight on my back and I know I can focus on that verses the wedding. Now I am a Manager at a dealership and when we are not busy, most of my time is spent getting ideas for our big day! I've sent out STD's, ordered my favors, ordered to bridal party gifts...like I have a lot completed. The cake is a work in progress, as far as the tasting (was Sunday) and was fabulous!!! So that's progressing once I get the quote in my email. My mother has offered to get our flowers, doing silk flowers because if I am going to spend that much money, I want to keep them.

Here is where I am breaking. Our DJ is fabulous. Has an amazing personality and just over all a genuine guy! He has this app similar to the WeddingWire APP, where you can pick your songs, do's and don'ts, etc etc. One of the areas highlighted (mind you) is the father daughter dance. Now as a little girl all of us dream of the day we get to be the princess, and the 'king' walks us down and hands us over to our prince. classic fairytale right? Well, just a quick little back history, my father has had 3 strokes, has nephropathy in his feet, a heart concern and a thyroid problem. Last October we spent 2 weeks in the ER because he collapsed in the parking lot at my apartment and he told me he was ready. TOTAL HEART DROP! So we put the wedding off, until he was on the right track to proceed with surgery. Which is why all this planning has gotten started. Three weeks ago, I asked him what his thought on our wedding were. He told me he wasn't going to walk me down the asile, he isn't going to make a toast, that standing up is to painful. Like this is all a road block for him to even attend. Now I understand I need to be slightly giving to his reasons, but he does nothing to try. I've always been the one doing it. Pushing him to doctors appointments, with his wheelchair or his walker. I honestly feel like I've been taken for granted for the last 6 years... We were on the right track but now he has given up going to the doctor, so it's kinda like he is on borrowed time if you will. With out the surgery to get his aorta valve fixed, he will have a heart attack and chances are he won't recover. (what the doctors said). This is dwindling in the back of my brain, and it's putting so much restraint on other pieces of the plan.

Am I being selfish? Am I being to hard on him or myself? I know I cannot fix or rescue anyone but it hurts worse when I know something upsetting is coming. Sorry to be a debbie downer, but holding it together becomes difficult when it's suffocating you for so long. I know this is also probably not the place to rant or ask, but all the women in my life kind of nevermind him and I don't want to be that way. Even though he has burned so many bridges, he is still my father...


Oh and have any of you done flowerless centerpieces? I am racking my mind on how I want to approach those...

26 Comments

  • Cyndy
    Rockstar May 2019
    Cyndy ·
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    Unfortunately I think you were trying to take on too much with your dad. You can’t change your father so you need to let him do what it is that he wants to do even though I know how hard that must be for you. As long as he will be there on your special day, try to appreciate what he is able to do for you. It sounds like you have accomplished a lot already for your big day and know what you still need to do. Try to take a day for yourself and relax so that you can re-energize yourself to keep moving forward. Just remember that many people do not have their parents there on their wedding day, so appreciate the fact that he will be there with you . Good luck.
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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    That is truth. Thank you!

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  • Cristy
    Rockstar May 2020
    Cristy ·
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    I'm so sorry you are going through this. My father is dying.......he's got a chronic lung condition that is only getting worse with time. But nobody can tell us how long he has. But he's gotten to a point where he doesn't want any heroic intervention. He has signed a DNR (do not resuscitate) order. He hasn't exactly given up, but he knows that medically, there's nothing else that can be done for him. It's hard because he wants me to keep going on, planning my wedding, but I have this huge sadness in my heart, knowing he won't be there.

    You're not being selfish. Losing a parent is the hardest thing ever, and when you're in the middle of planning what should be the happiest day of your life, it just adds to the stress!

    I think all you can do is be there for your father, in whatever way he needs most. Maybe he just needs you to sit by him and tell him you love him. Or talk about anything besides his health. It's his choice to go to the doctor or not, to have surgery or not. Not everyone is a fighter. Believe me, I know how hard this is. But you can't make him want to live, or to prolong his life with medical intervention. If he wants that, he'll do it. Again, I'm sorry for what you are going through.


    BTW, I am planning non-floral centerpieces. I haven't gotten the stuff for them yet, but I'm thinking an arrangement of 3 candles, different heights. I may end up doing the floating candles, because I also want to have those colored stones in the bottom (purple), and maybe have them sitting on a mirror. There may or may not have some fake greenery around each arrangement. Not sure about that one yet. But I'm definitely going with 3 candles on a mirror for the centerpieces. Easy, simple, not very expensive as I can get all of the stuff from Dollar Tree and/or Hobby Lobby.


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  • Cher Horowitz
    Rockstar December 2019
    Cher Horowitz ·
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    That's a tough situation, but respecting your dad's wishes is the best thing you could do for him. For centerpieces, have you considered lanterns or just simple greenery or candles? Those are really pretty!

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    I love the simplicity of that idea. thank you for your words! and I am sorry to hear what you're going through. on a slightly different note, I am glad I am not the only one experiencing something like this ya know?!

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Not sure one REAL candles because there will be children and children like to tug on things. and FH doesn't want flowers or greenery in the centerpiece at all....

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  • Cristy
    Rockstar May 2020
    Cristy ·
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    Yeah, as hard as it is to go through, it's somehow made a tiny bit easier knowing I'm not alone. My siblings help me with that too, although I find more comfort here with the ladies/gents on WW. I guess because both my sister and brother have had their weddings, and both of them had our mom and dad present. Now mom is gone, and dad is going, so I'll have neither of my parents at my wedding. But I know that lots of couples here on WW have similar situations, or understand what we're going through. It's comforting. I hope you can find some of that comfort too!

    For the centerpieces, yes, simple is my motto! I'm a "less is more" kind of gal. I don't care for anything overly fussy. But I love candles, and I think they make any space look more elegant, so that was a pretty easy decision for me.

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  • Kassandra
    Dedicated October 2020
    Kassandra ·
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    I'm sort of in the same boat - My dad is an alcoholic and was just told he is going to kill himself if he keeps drinking. This is something he can 100% prevent, but he WILL NOT STOP. I told him the other day that if he keeps drinking, he won't be able to walk me down the aisle. He literally said he doesn't care. So I had to wash my hands of it, because if he's not worried about it, why should I be? May sound harsh but I don't know what else to do!

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Dang!! I am sorry about that. That's a mess. My youngest brother is like that, and I am not even sure I want to send him an invite. Just kinda let it go ya know? I sorry ladyy!

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Yeah, candles are difficult for me to get into. I LOVE candles but like i previously stated, we have young children attending which makes candles a play thing lol

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  • Cristy
    Rockstar May 2020
    Cristy ·
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    Oh, I meant to mention this before when I saw a similar comment you made to someone else. They make these LED candles now, basically flameless. They look like the real thing, but it's just a light, rather than a real flame. Totally safe for little ones. Check it out.

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Yeah i know of those. lol

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  • Yam
    VIP September 2019
    Yam ·
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    It sounds like pain and lack of mobility has made him depressed and he’s taking it one day at a time. He’s being honest with you about what promises he can keep. I know it’s hard to hear but he’s doing his best and it’s better he’s up front about what he can and can’t handle, you know? I’m sorry your whole family is hurting.

    My dad’s sick, that’s why I’m a DIY bride who rushed wedding planning. You’ve just got to look on the bright side when circumstances are grim like this. Your dad loves you very much and wants to attend your wedding. He can’t walk, dance or stand for very long but that’s ok! He’s going to witness your vows and be there in the moment, hang on to that.

    Would it possible for him to make a speech while sitting if he was given a mic?
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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    I asked him that and he doesn't wanna do that either.

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  • Yam
    VIP September 2019
    Yam ·
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    Just do what you can then to make him comfortable and he can enjoy your wedding in his own way. You guys could always do a small speech acknowledging your parents if they’re comfortable with the spotlight.
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  • Desiree
    Super March 2020
    Desiree ·
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    Prayers for all of you lovely people going through something as rough as this. I can definitely relate. My beautiful mother passed away 2 months before my engagement even happened. She battled Lupis and MS for over 10 years, and then was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer and passed away only 2 months into treatment. It was tragic. She left behind 4 children, including myself, and a 16 year old. It's been extremely difficult planning this wedding not only without her, but trying to keep her memory alive and present at the wedding. (For example, I plan on using orchids in my flower scheme, as that was her favorite. I also plan on putting out an empty chair for her.) To go through this is something harder than anyone could imagine.

    You cannot change your father, and like others have said, not everyone is a fighter. It's hard that he is doing this to you, but do your best to incorporate him and keep him involved, even if it means giving him a backseat instead of the front seat like you planned. Most importantly, take care of yourself. Never let even your mental health, or emotional stamina diminish due to his choices. Take care of you first - and do your best to keep your happy alive during the happiest time of your life.

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    I'm sorry for your losses. That's rough. Although orchids are beautiful, they have a very special meaning to them. So that is amazing! I am working with processing my father's decisions, makes it difficult when you've invested so much and chooses otherwise. If I can ever take a day off work then I will definitely be taking a day for myself.

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  • Cathy
    Devoted October 2019
    Cathy ·
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    Is your Dad in a wheelchair? Perhaps you could wheel him down the aisle--at least you would be with him. As for the dance, same thing--maybe just go out onto the floor with him. A lot of it is the symbolism.

    I am planning flowerless centerpieces--(highly allergic to pollen)

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  • M
    Devoted October 2019
    Meredith ·
    • Flag

    Wow! You are such a strong woman to even come on here & tell us what's going on in your life. A lot of us would probably curl in a corner with a bottle of Jack Daniels & cry. 1st off, it sounds like you need to take care of yourself. This might mean going for a hike, doing yoga, making an awesome meal for yourself, etc. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else. 2nd, if your dad doesn't want to or can't walk you down the aisle, you can have your mom or some other role model (like a family member or family friend) walk you down the aisle & have your Dad Skype in so he can watch from home. 3rd & very important, don't beat yourself up for you Dad's choice not to be there. Sometimes those who have a ton of medical issues going on just kind of shutdown & make decisions they otherwise might not. I hope it all works out for you!

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  • Nicole
    Devoted April 2020
    Nicole ·
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    Thanks for your words. Everyone I know is out of state that I usually 'run' too. Most is negativity. However, I did make a stand and told him last night to make it a goal to walk me down the aisle. So maybe he will. Otherwise I am getting a wheelchair and someone will push him down. He seemed excited about it. So fingers crossed. As far as the Jack and a corner, I've done that with rum and at one point it started affecting me to where I couldn't function. And I needed to be stronger than that not only for myself, but my FH has an 8 year old and I've been in his life since he was almost 2. So his son is really my motivation for many things in my life

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