Our wedding is a family reunion/FMIL Drama/Rant

Hurtful comments about how the brides family pays for the ceremony/reception and makes the decisions and the grooms family and the bride and groom decide on the rehersal. The ONLY one of his nieces and nephews I agree with needing to get to sleep is the one with Rett's. For her I totally support having it at the cabin. But if it's at the cabin, it will last a lot longer. It's a 15-20 minute drive from the church to the cabin, and I'm sure some people will make stops on the way out. If it's out there, I will have to come back in after dinner and decorate the church on my own, and anyone who isn't staying out there will have to drive the bad road into town after dark. I guess I feel very disrespected that I was left in the dark about this whole thing until FH came to me with, "oh and we need to talk by the way" The fact that his whole family had discussed it before they even talked to us and found out our/my reasoning for wanting it at the church hurts. I feel like the wedding is just a family reunion for FH's family because they are all staying together, and won't participate in dinners away from the cabin, and a few other comments have been made about how good it will be to all stay together. We almost called off the dinner last night but decided that'd be ruder than anything. I told FH he can be my voice when he talks to his mom about this, because I'm too hurt and upset to do it myself. Add that on top of the other stressors I had yesterday and it made for a really bad day.

He did bring up a point about the payment...IF his family is paying for it, then they do have a right to decide where it is going to be held. It DOES seem easier to have it there and not have to worry about packing/loading food for transportation and 20 minutes isn't that far of a drive. I do feel that in most areas, you have to pick your battles rather than stress out about smaller details and this seems like one of those areas.

Who cares if the dinner lasts longer? Anyone (including you) can leave at whatever time you like, and if the majority of the people that are attending it are staying in that cabin, I'm sure they would appreciated the ease of not having to drive after dinner (meaning cocktails). As for it being a family reunion, in a sense I feel that that is appropriate description of a wedding...they ARE a time for family to come together and celebrate, whats wrong with that?

I'm sorry

I don't think having it here or there is that big of a deal in the long run, but it's horribly inconsiderate that FH's family effectively cut you out of the decision. What about your family, or other guests? Were they considered?

Maltese- I feel like it's about them getting together more than me joining the family. Thre won't be cocktails. Just spare ribs, water, koolaid, and tea. FH's folks are not drinkers and don't condone drinking at all. Only his half of the family is convenienced by it. Not anyone else. None of my bridesmaids, none of my family, not my ushers, etc. We had it there at my brothers wedding by him and his wifes choice (at the church) and it worked out really nice.

Jess- Nope, we weren't considered at all. Just the kids of his family. There is an equal amount of kids on my side but that doesn't matter I guess.

Mainly I'm just hurt that it was a decision without talking to FH and I. It was decided before FMIL told FH. Once he heard my side of things he decided to agree with me. I'm upset that there was discussion between the siblings when we didn't even know there was an issue.

I agree with both Maltese and Jess...it really does suck that you weren't heard at all for your reasoning but usually the groom's family does have a little more say in the rehearsal dinner if they're paying. I think that if you had it at the church you'd have some hassle with unloading and loading food and some people couldn't get the kids to bed (which is reasonable but they could leave early instead), but at the cabin it's the drive, so either way it won't be the best situation.

However a wedding is a family reunion in a sense. The first time I met one of my older cousins was at a wedding when I was 18, there was no other opportunity before that. And at that same cousin's wedding a few years later we all had this family dinner the night before the rehearsal and it was so cool getting to be with everyone. I think your FH's family would really enjoy getting to be all in one place for a night without having to go anywhere or worry about kids going off to bed. And your family and friends might enjoy it out there as well.

As for setting up decorations, I'd try to recruit a couple bridesmaids and groomsmen. You don't want everyone there to see your decorations the day before anyway. If not, see if you can hire someone for a few hours to help.

The part about not being considered would tick me off too so I understand that. I also understand that ultimately the one paying the bill gets the final say.

I realize when it comes down to it, FMIL gets the final say, but I feel as if FH and I should have a part in the decision. My mom would've have chosen where the reception is at, but its where FH and I wanted it so she gave in. My family/friends have already expressed that they would prefer it to be at the church so they could get home sooner and get their own children to bed. My MOH lives an hour away and will drive home. With the decorations, both families are helping set up the reception so the small decorations that I have made for the ceremony, doesn't bother me for people to see them. They are really enjoying getting to be together for the night and I understand that. It has just gotten out of hand IMO that because they are paying, they are the only part of the rehearsal that's considered. It seems more of a family dinner now than a rehearsal dinner. It bothers me that his family has said they won't stay at the church and eat. It will tack on only 30 minutes to an hour to keep it at the church. To drive to the cabin will be at least an hour. Then they have to worry about everyone clearing out so they can go to bed.

I understand why you're upset. This is for your wedding and you feel like your feelings aren't being considered. It sucks and I'm sorry.

I agree with what everyone has said. It totally sucks that you didn't get to talk to FMIL (it sounds like she's being a little dramatic) about the final decisions, but the rehearsal dinner is sort of the groom's family's chance to throw a mini party. 15 minutes isn't that bad of a drive, really! And if they are paying the bill AND you're battling tradition here (even if it sucks), I'd tell her thanks and move on.

Can a group of people from the cabin not hop in a car and come help you afterward? Or better yet, before?

Also, best of luck, date twin I can't believe rehearsal dinners are so soon...

Why can't most people do some decorating before going to the cabin for dinner?

KayRay, they won't want to come in from the cabin, because their children will be sleeping or they need to get their own children home to bed an hour away.

Crystal, That would delay dinner longer than if we just had it at the church which would have children going to bed later. My inital plan was to have rehersal-dinner-decorate and whoever needed to leave to get kids to bed could leave after dinner/whenever they needed. I realize it's their chance to throw it, but making it more convenient for their family/kids only isn't a good enough reason for me to be ok with it.

I think it's inconsiderate and you have three choices. You can cancel the dinner, offer to pay for it and have it your way or suck it up and don't rock the boat. Sounds like there is way more going on then just the dinner though. I think you and the FH need to have a heart to heart about the family not taking your feelings into consideration.

@TheFutureMrs.Gierman, we did. It took him a while to understand but then he did and he agreed. He also understood that there is more reason as to why I feel the church is more appropriate than there already is. If I had the money to pay for it, we would. But it's going to be a tight stretch just to get everything else paid for that needs paid. I've always felt blessed and lucky that my FIL's have been so understanding and wonderful. But right now I feel disrespected.

I TOTALLY understand. There are so many people from FH's side that I feel like my FMIL is taking over the wedding as far as the guest list is concerned. Oy. The only advice I can give is to breathe. I try (repeat TRY) to tell myself it won't matter. But it's so hard. It's especially hard when FH is on the side of his family. I am so sorry for this. Keep us updated.

They could've atleast discussed it with you and not made a decision and then told you with an ultimatum. Nevertheless, be the better person and just go along with it. Family like to get their claws in when it comes to family weddings.