Not sure whether to have a covid wedding

It sounds like you and your FH need to sit down and have a clear conversation about what each of you wants and find a way to compromise. Especially with COVID, it's not uncommon for couples to get married on their original date and plan basically a renewal or one year celebration on the following year where they still walk down the aisle just like they would've done on their wedding day. In short there are options and you two should talk it out and find out what works best.

You're not on the same page with him. You need to talk to him about it.

You need to communicate and compromise to get on the same page. If he's not willing to listen or budge, you may need to move on.

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We tried to have a conversation about it tonight right before I posted the above. He was sleepy though so I could barely get a response out of him, yet he was the one who brought it up so I didn't have a choice but to get into it. The thing is I know us, and once the wedding is done I doubt we'll even do a one year celebration, we'll just move on and not want any sort of party after that. I paid for the dress too like I don't like the thought of just ditching it and having to spend so much more again on another dress.. like what a waste of money.

Is all I could tell him was that I wasn't onboard with his suggestion and I'd have to have a think nearer to the time but I wasn't going to compromise on so much. I mean, perhaps if he suggested a small wedding and a better honeymoon for the both of us to make up for what we didn't have at the wedding, but to exclude the honeymoon too? It's not what I imagined or want, nor will I settle for so much less. This isn't even a middle ground this is what he and his family want alone.

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I feel like hardly anybody listens to me, then I start feeling helpless and emotional like I do now. I'm not a selfish person and I always consider the needs of others, but if there was ever a time for me to be even a bit selfish, surely that would be on my wedding day? His family agree with him, then they'll convince my mother who will start pressurising me. I know my dad will listen to me but I don't want it to potentially get heated because opinions are so divided.

Maybe I am being selfish. If I hadn't bought such a big, beautiful dress then maybe I could've done a house wedding thing but now I have it and I've bought the shoes, veil, jewellery.. so much effort has gone into it I can't just toss it aside.

View Quoted Comment Marriage and the planning that goes into it is a 2 way street. He and his family do not get to make the decisions and expect you to nod and submissively go along. That alone is a HUGE red flag predicting what the rest of your marriage may be like. Tell him that you will discuss it and agree on something together without his family's influence/pressure or there will be no wedding.

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Just remember that having a wedding does not make it a marriage. A big part of marriage is compromising with your partner. Life is full of things that can and will go wrong and you're not always going to see eye to eye but you have to work through it together and find a resolution you both agree with. It goes both ways. If there's no meeting in the middle, then there's not a whole lot. Wedding planning is a great way to see what the future holds....because it involves a lot of working things out especially when they don't go to plan and if they're not willing to do that now before marriage they probably won't be willing to after marriage either.

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Beautifully spoken!

No. Just no. If having a wedding and a honeymoon is important to you, you should not have to give that up. You have ONE opportunity to marry your fiancé, and you don’t want to regret not having the day you really wanted for the rest of your life. It sounds like the groom and his parents are pressuring you to give up something really important to you. You need to be clear with them that you want the experience of having a wedding and a honeymoon, and not doing so would lead to feelings of regret. And then stand firm on your decision. I had numerous family members (including my own mother) try to tell me to just go to the courthouse and sign the papers then have a reception later “like your cousin is doing”. I shot that down immediately and made it clear it was not even an option, and they dropped it. And guess what... my cousin went to the courthouse and signed the marriage license, then the reception kept getting put on the back burner. She just found out she’s pregnant, and everyone’s saying it’s silly to spend money on a reception over a year after being married, especially now that she’s pregnant. So she’s not going to get her wedding/reception or her honeymoon, and now she really regrets giving into their pressure.

Hi Saira, you don’t sound jumbled at all 😄 writing things out like this can help organize your thoughts. The wedding you want and having a honeymoon are totally understandable! Although I am an advocate for compromising in relationships and marriage, I do believe each person should be able to speak their truth and have it be respected. If I am hearing right, your top priorities are to have your family present, wear the dress you love and go on a honeymoon. Sounds very reasonable. Your future husband wants you to be happy and I’m confident when you articulate your non-negotiables, he will understand and meet you halfway. I think a 40 person wedding would be possible at the end of the summer.
A honeymoon was a non-negotiating factor for me and my husband. We agreed when things are safer, that is a high priority! Good luck girlie ❤️ We can do this! ❤️❤️❤️

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Sometimes I just feel anxious. I'm fully aware that I'll be living with them after the wedding until we save up and move into our own house and I think if I seem too stubborn, it won't create the best impression of me. I submissively agreed to a February 2021 wedding originally even though I wanted JULY 2021 so I could complete the first year of my new job after graduating. The wedding was cancelled anyway due to covid and I didn't take that job so who lost? Me.

His family initially wanted a December 2019 wedding and I wanted July 2021, due to that FH stepped in and suggested we both compromise and meet in the middle - Feb 2021. I used to get so frustrated.. why do we have to reach a middle ground? Why couldn't he just fully consider what I wanted and put that first.. I'm his future wife, did I not even get to decide my own wedding date? Clearly not.

View Quoted Comment Based on everything you have described, it really sounds like he does not want a partner, he wants a puppet. Same with his family if they are all siding against you and telling you to be submissive with no opinions of your own.


You HAVE TO stand up for yourself or they will all beat you down. You have to be stubborn. What you are describing his (and his family's) behavior is..is that of someone who wants complete control. Most professionals call that domestic abuse which includes gaslighting. They don't care about the other person's wishes at all, as you have detailed. It always gets worse after the wedding because by that point, you're trapped and cut off from your support system in favor of his.
Personally if someone was that controlling, I would never marry them, no matter how much money I put into planning.

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Those are some wise words, you're absolutely right. I'm so torn too like one side of me is saying who cares about the dress or the venue? Isn't it more important that you're marrying the one you want to marry? If anything it'll save money too and the most important people will be there!

But another other part of me is more stubborn and saying you shouldn't have to compromise so heavily on something as significant as this, you get one wedding. I'm already leaving so much behind to live with him like my city, my friends, my family and now I don't even get the wedding I wanted or even the honeymoon? I can't help but feel full of sadness. I don't want to look back at the wedding day full of resentment and it's not the best way to start married life either is it? Feeling resentful at your spouse for not compromising with you.

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I completely agree with Michelle on this. It doesn't sound like he wants a future wife, it sounds like he wants a puppet and that's not healthy for you by any means if that is indeed the case. Putting the wedding itself aside, it sounds like there's a lot more issues here and I'd personally take a moment to re-evaluate regardless of what you've already put into the wedding and make sure you really feel like you're making the right decision. You definitely don't want to start your married life with resentment of any sort towards your spouse, either.

*apologies meant to type Serena ❤️


I’m surprised his mom isn’t sensing your unhappiness. My MIL can tell if I seem “off” and she genuinely looks out for me. If this continues, food for thought is to go visit your dad for a few days or however long 🥰 My father would not be pleased if I was being treated that way. I think you need someone in your corner. Sending strength to you ❤️

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Yeah that's so true. I mean I already compromised once. The wedding was originally supposed to be in February 2021 (so next month!). I wanted JULY 2021 so I could apply for a one year job as I'd just graduated, but because his family wanted February I compromised. I moved the date earlier and didn't apply for the job. The Feb wedding won't even go ahead now due to covid, I lost the chance to start my career when I wanted to and now I can't even apply for it again as the April wedding is looming over my head so I can't commit to anything if a big move is around the corner. Messy situation.

I feel like he is pressurising me (maybe his family are behind this, I've no idea). I end up compromising as I remember I'm moving in with them so don't want to start out on the wrong foot. Yeah I totally agree with the later wedding reception idea not being ideal! He suggested that but I thought it made no sense now. We'd already be married for a year and I'd want to start planning for the next chapter, not plan another wedding.. I'd feel the time for that had already come and gone.

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I felt like that. The first time I felt so cornered into agreeing to an earlier wedding date. I know I shouldn't have agreed and now I'm so angry at myself for putting what I wanted second to everybody else. I could've GOT the job in September 2020 like I wanted and completed the first term had I not done what his family wanted. I would've made a lot of money and gained so much valuable experience. I compromised for a wedding that didn't even go ahead. But what good is thinking about all that now I suppose.

YES. I used to get so annoyed at his father the most. It seemed his father made all the decisions at one point about us and our wedding. He was pushing for a super early wedding and I remember thinking he isn't the groom so why has he been given so much influence in our wedding?! Maybe FH felt his house, his rules I don't know. Yeah that's it. Right now I have my father fully behind me who will happily fight all my battles but what about when I move and I live an hour away? It becomes different when you're living under their roof as you don't want to make things awkward and create a messy living situation for you all (p.s. I wanted to live separately too but FH thought it'd be nice if I live under their roof for a while so they could get to know me more and we could bond). I compromised AGAIN.

View Quoted Comment Continue communicating with your father. Please get out of this situation now while you can. What you keep describing is not healthy nor it is it love. It is control and abuse

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Thanks Katie I appreciate you being able to make sense of my rant haha YES that's all I want. I already had a very small engagement party a few months ago where I excluded ALL my friends because it had to be small. It was family only and most of my family don't even like each other and aren't on speaking terms so it was an awkward occasion to say the least! I promised my friends they could be there for my wedding and to have them all be rejected again? It just doesn't feel right.

I think I'll tell him a honeymoon (or even a nice weekend away if covid stops us travelling) is a non-negotiable for me. I need some time with FH alone at least. If we go straight to his parents house after I guarantee you we'll be bombarded with relatives coming to see the new bride and groom. I just want some time away to wind down and some more happy memories to associate with the wedding is all, rather than playing host to neighbours and other relatives. Maybe the week after but not the day after the wedding! Thank you so much for the luck, we can definitely do this

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Sometimes I hold off communicating with my father on sensitive things like this. For him he still sees me as his little girl which is cute and everything but if he senses I'm upset in any way he will go all guns blazing at them and all hell will break loose, the situation could get super messy and they're things I can't reverse then. I did go to him before when they kept pushing me for an earlier wedding as I started feeling intensely pressured and he told me he'd speak to his dad himself and make him see sense. I think it was me that agreed eventually as I wanted to keep the peace.