Not sure what to make of a friendship with a bridesmaid

Hmm, that's a tough one. Are you really ready to end your friendship with her? Some friendships go through rough patches, but get through them. Did she respond when you told her it hurt your feelings? I think her response would help make the decision on how to move forward.

It sounds like a one sided relationship with Jams. I've had those and they're not healthy. The person will use you as a sounding board until you crumble and then blame the whole situation on you. You should think about how often this Jams goes out of her way for you and how often do you not feel like a sounding board? Do you feel like a wall she's talking to more than not?
If you come up and think she's not a good friend or a healthy one it's okay to end it, it stinks but sometimes we grow apart from people.

View Quoted Comment

She apologized for not reading the message closely. Then continued to talk about her situations. I was kind of frustrated too because she didn't ask how I was on Sunday even though I was doing better and out of my funk. I don't want to end my friendship with her, but it's hard because a lot of times she doesn't seem to understand when someone else needs support.

Has she always been like that? Cus let me tell ya I've friends thatre people who never ask about you. They'll constantly just talk about themselves and show no interest in you. So they're more like people I talk to but don't really feel a true attachment to aha so if we stopped talking it's fine.

I'm just wondering if that's just how she's always been? There are some friends in life that we have because they're fun and there's some we have because they're genuine true relationships that we can share ourselves with. So I guess just think about where she ranks in your tiers of friendship.

View Quoted Comment

She use to be not as bad. But lately it's gotten a lot worse. We became friends in college and use to hang out a lot. After I got my job at the law firm, I kind of quit doing some of things like going out all the time because of work. I feel like she is almost in the same mind set as she was in college.

View Quoted Comment

I get it. Sounds like you just need to be honest with her. If she is a close friend, then she should be understanding. Instead of just telling her it hurt your feelings, let her know that you need her to be there for you the way you are there for her.

View Quoted Comment

Honestly she really doesn't go out of her way. The last time I think she even talked to me about a thing between her and I was when she got mad I didn't ask her to go dress shopping for my dress because I just wanted to go with my mom and aunt. I can tell her and I are growing apart. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

She definitely sounds like a 'one-sided friend' type of person. Unfortunately, that's not likely to change. All you can do is control your response to her. She may not be the best person to try and use as a sounding board, or try to have a deeper level bond with. You don't have to end your friendship, but take her at face value and try not to push her into a friendship she can't really reciprocate.

Maybe just stop investing as much time into her after the wedding is over and see where it goes. Maybe she'll grow out of it, maybe she'll pick up the slack, maybe you'll grow apart naturally and won't need to do anything.

View Quoted Comment

You are right that's for sure. I don't really use as a sounding board much but I guess I just wish she could of offered a bit of support.

View Quoted Comment

*nods* I can relate to some of the frustration you're talking about. Both of my parents are like this. If I call them for support, I'll hear an hour on how their lives are falling to pieces. If I call them to share good news, I end up feeling guilty - like I'm rubbing their faces in my good luck.

It really hurts when I want a different relationship with them then they can offer. But I have to just breathe and remember everyone else in my life who does offer me that support. I've gotten in the habit of calling my MIL after I'm on the phone with my bioparents just as a brain cleanser.

View Quoted Comment

That's basically how I feel when something good happens with Jams. Even when my FH and I got engaged it was like congrats now let me tell you about my dramatic life. Like really, I'm starting to question/ doubt myself about the friendship and whether I even want her in the wedding at this point. Which isn't the point at all about this post but I'm thinking do I want to look at pics of someone who shows no support and it's a one sided friendship.

View Quoted Comment

*nods* It really is a question of, do you want to maintain the friendship. When picking the wedding party, it's good idea to think "who will be surrogate parents to my kids, and I see myself sitting on a porch with when I'm 60+."

It sounds like it's a very one-sided friendship, you're always there when she needs you but not the other way around. What positive aspects are brought into your life with this friendship? If you can't identify anything positive, it may be worth letting go of the friendship. If she does bring other good into your life, then unfortunately I think you just have to identify her a friend that's not ideal to go to for advice/after a long day.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Good luck to you I'm glad FH is so supportive of you

View Quoted Comment Yeah I definitely think I need to re-evaluate this friendship a bit. My FH is seriously the best with this and so supportive. And thank you!!

Sit down with her and have a conversation in person. Write down key points before you go so that you can bring the conversation back to the issue at hand. Don't do anything drastic but make your expectations for her and your friendship clear. If she responds appropriately but seems confused, help her by explaining how you wanted her to respond.

Personally, if my friend told me they were not the person to talk to that day, I would probably say the same thing she did and think the best thing I could do for them is to handle my issue on my own that day. depending on the friend, it would be a 50/50 as to whether or not I would think to follow up the next day because I would think they would message me if they want me. People who are an open book do not always realize that others expect them to ask those things. It took me quite a while to realize I should ask that kind of thing. If your friend is anything like I used to be, it could be that she expects that you will come to her if you need her in the same way she is always coming to you.

After you've had a full conversation with her and explained your feelings to her you still feel that things are one sided, it will be up to you to make that call. At that point, I would consider more and more listening to your FH & MoH. If that ends up being the case long term, I would seriously distance myself from her.

View Quoted Comment

I find that interesting. I guess I assume a lot of people do know how to respond in friendships and respond the way I do in that I make sure people know I am there for them. I guess if I was told what I told my friend, I would at least offer an "if you want to talk know that I am here for you." I guess for me that is reaching out, since I don't do it a lot. I'm not an open book nor do I want to be.

I'm Jams. I'm that person who's really good at sharing my feelings and all that but not so good when it comes to other people. I'm really terrible with that kind of stuff so maybe that's what she's like? Maybe she doesn't know how to deal with other peoples emotions and such? I wouldn't read too much into it, just leave it at "You hurt my feelings"

Firstly I am so sorry that you had to experience such a traumatic event at work. YIKES!! I hope you find the peace you need. As far as Jams goes..I think that people are in your life for a reason, season and lifetime. Its up to you to determine if this is the type of friend you want for a lifetime. It is probably hard for her to focus on anything but herself right now. Going inbetween two men that work together is on another level in my book, let alone going inbetween two men altogether. At any rate, I have a hard time with friends that are only focused on themselves and can not return that sounding board effect. That is a deal breaker for me. I think you owe it to her to have a real conversation about how you feel. If she did not return the text then I think I would just cut my loses. And if you taking some space from her ends the friendship then is she a real friend? Food for thought. Good luck my dear =) xo

View Quoted Comment Thank you. You know most of the time I dont mind when she does this but at a time when I'm like I'm hurting and not doing too great. I just want her to support me. You are right about the taking space thing. Thank you again for your thoughts and kind words