Not inviting Step-Mother

I would just send an invitation addressed to his father, no +1 or anything.

If you don't give an eff about the fact that his dad might not be there, then just invite him without a plus one. I am sorry that shes such a terrible person!

If you want to avoid a lot of needless drama, you invite the couple -- even if he is your father with a wife who isn't your mother. If she as awful as you say (and she dislikes everyone), she won't come. That releases you and gives your father free access to your wedding. Of course, it's your wedding and you can do what you want, but I would invite the both of them.

I see what you're saying, Centerpiece, but if FH's step-mother is anything like some of my family members, she might just show up out of spite; knowing that the sight of her could mar what is supposed to be the happiest day of the bride's life.

If you truly don't care that FH's dad might not come, then I wouldn't invite the step-mom at all. Don't even give her that courtesy if she's truly that awful of a person.

I agree with Centerpiece. You invite them both and if she doesn't want anything to do with you she won't come and it doesn't create any unnecessary drama for his dad. If she does come, all you have to do is smile, give her a "it's nice that you came" and move on to enjoy your wedding.

FutureMrsG is bang on... she will show, because she won't want to look bad. This woman has been trying for YEARS to drive a wedge between the guys and their dad.

This time last year, his dad and her stopped talking to us for 6 months, didn't return phone calls, emails, texts, nothing all because FH's brother invited us to a baseball game and the step mothers son's got upset because they wanted it to me just them, not us. So in turn, step mom created drama and Dad didn't talk to us for 6 months.

Only at Christmas did they decide to talk to us because they wanted to see the grandchildren. After Christmas they again stopped talking to us. Deleted us from facebook (me, FH, brother and sister in law) and have not talked to us since. Obviously this is FH's dad and he wants to invite him, but this lady has no right to be at our happy day and we refuse to give her the satisfaction of being invited.

This is just my opinion. Obviously, feel free to take it or disregard it. I no longer want or allow toxic people in my life. I especially would not have wanted someone this toxic at my wedding. I agree with FutureMrsG. I would suggest that your FH sit down one on one with his father, and tell him how he feels ... that he would love for his father to attend, by not his father's wife. The ball is then in his father's court. Either he comes alone, or he doesn't come. Personally, I don't think his not being there would be any great loss. Allowing his wife to treat his kids so miserably says something about him and his priorities as well.

We just had a similar situation at my brothers wedding. He didn't invite my step mom and my dad didn't come because his wife wasn't invite. She is just a very nasty women. In the end my brother regretted not having my dad there. With my wedding coming I originally wasn't going to invite her but after seeing my brother hurt by my dad not showing I opted to invite her. I did make it very clear to him that if she causes issues she will be asked to leave.

Good luck this is a hard situation

If she is a bad enough person that you even have to think about inviting his dad but not her, then I wouldn't. It wouldn't be worth it for her to poison your day. If his dad doesn't come, then that really tells you who he values more. If she has a decent bone in her body, she will realise and admit to herself that the way she has treated your FH and you is what made you not want to invite her, will encourage or at least allow his dad to attend, and will not show up with him uninvited. If she does the opposite of any of those things, then she really is a terrible person and deserves to be written out of your life completely. Hope everything works out, family drama is the worst part of planning a wedding.

Ahhh...why can't parents and step parents just grow the hell up? I'm sorry, ladies -- none of you -- not a single one -- should be dealing with this nonsense.

I really wish we didn't have to deal with this. in the beginning of our relationship, I couldn't understand how or why he went weeks without talking to his Dad, or weeks/months without seeing his dad. To me it just wasn't right... well as the years went by, I have come to understand why this is.

FH has tried to talk to his Dad many times, the phone calls go no where, the face to face convos end up going south, messages for unanswered... this women truly runs his life. I am all for supporting your spouse, but when your spouse treats your own children the way she does, she doesn't deserve to be supported.

I try my best to keep negative people out of my life and being forced to be around her, for the sake of hoping FH's Dad shows up and she doesn't cause drama... isn't worth it to me.

I am in the same boat with my step mom. She treated my sister and her own daughter like dirt and my dad has failed to do anything to prevent or stop her. At first I was like "F*$# my dad, I don't need him there, he doesn't deserve to go." But I realized that he is still my dad and he does need to be there.

HOWEVER, I refuse to invite the stepmonster. I informed my dad ahead of time that that was my decision and it wasn't changing and that he is a man who can make his own decision to not show up or to go without a woman who is not my mother and who treated my sisters and I terribly.

If my dad doesn't show up then that's on him. My stepmom had plenty of time when I was growing up to fix her attitude towards my sisters and I but never did, so I don't feel bad at all for my decision.

YES! I absolutely cannot stand my step mom. She is horrible and treated my sister and I like dirt through out our whole childhood. I moved out about 2 years ago because of her, she was mean as hell. But I straight up told my dad that she is not invited and that he can either come to his daughter's wedding without her or not come at all. I have a strong feeling he won't come because he doesn't have the balls to tell her she's not invited. But honestly, if he decides not to go because she can't go then that's truly his loss in the end. I'm sorry you're in this position but it's your day essentially and you deserve to be happy on that day no matter what!

They are married. You need to invite them both. If she doesn't care about FH she can be a grown woman and decide not to come. What's that worst that can happen? She comes and tries to celebrate the day with you? Don't be petty. Just invite her.

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The showing up out of spite thing is real, it happened to some friends of mine with family members they didn't WANT to have but felt the need to invite.

Definitely a sticky situation, sucks that you have to deal with that. If she actually wants nothing to do with you and you want nothing to do with her, don't invite her. Especially if she's the type of person who is likely to make a scene or do something ridiculous at the actual event. You don't need to be worrying about that. Maybe talk to dad and do a verbal invite so she doesn't open the mail invitation addressed only to him and flip out?

This post is three years old. The wedding's long over.

I am the scorned step mother. It is a heart breaking situation for my husband which he himself created by taking our marital problems to his children. Even though he has since told them he holds as much responsibility for our problems as I do they totally blame me and they will even walk out of church if I’m there. I have always tried to be kind to them, even babysitting and taking to the airport early in the morning, making noce birthday celebrations, etc., but they have not picked me to the point to where I don’t even feel safe being around them even if they did invite. I know my husband created this situation but my heart still goes out to him as I know he’s trying to do the right thing by choosing our marriage first. There are usually two sides to the story. My advice is to invite the step mother in order to avoid unnecessary hurt and drama. She probably wouldn’t come anyway.

This thread is 3 years old, Magan. The OP's wedding is over and done with. I hope your family can find peace and resolution.

View Quoted Comment This usually works. This way you are not being disrespectful to Dad, saying his wife cannot come. If she wants little to do with you, and you are not inviting the step brother, the likelihood of her attending is nil. Same result, she won't come, but you come off as the gracious and respectful one, and she puts herself in the wrong. Encourage Dad to come even if his wife has "other plans".

I don’t think it matters that the original posters marriage has come and gone. This is a real topic affecting many. That being said, I am the stepmother who have never done anything but embrace my step kids. They are both adults but it has always been important to us that our children have a relationship. I only have kids with my husband making all his children related. My stepson asked me and my husband to have our daughter as his flower girl. Then a few months later we were asked to not be involved in the wedding because his mother didn’t want our daughter (3 years old) in the wedding and didn’t want me, the stepmother at the wedding. Although 6 weeks before the wedding we received an invitation, knowing my daughter was not welcome and of course I was not welcome. The entire time everyone knew my husband would be deployed for this event.

Just my tidbit to add. Stepmothers are not always evil or monsters. Sometimes it is a skewed point of view.