Not Inviting Parents

Lily, there isn't an adult victim of parental abuse facing a wedding who hasn't been through the ping pong game of "Of course I should invite them" vs. "I don't want them anywhere near me on the happiest day of my life." You are in a tough spot -- and whatever you decide, not a single one of us will judge you.

This is such an intensely personal matter. Some women can suffer horrible abuse at the hands of a parent, but they still invite them to their weddings. Some women find a way to sway to the music with their abusive fathers while some incarnation of "Butterfly Kisses" blasts through the speakers. Other women cannot even conceive of something like that. We aren't entitled to judge either position. Why? Because we weren't there. We aren't walking through life struggling with the same issues that other women struggle with -- struggles that are directly related to their parents.

You seem to be on the fence. Some ladies are dead-set in their decision to exclude their parents from their weddings. You are worried about the guilt that might set in later. I get that. If you want encouragement, because in your heart of hearts, you really don't want to see their faces on your wedding day, I'll give you that encouragement (with a list of reasons that should assuage any potential guilt).

However, I'm not convinced you're at that point. Could you invite them but not give them the honors that good and decent parents enjoy? Could you put them at Table 5, let them enjoy cocktails, dinner, and dancing, but not decorate them with bouts and corsages, or put them on the dance floor for the spotlight dances? Only you can answer those questions, but whatever you decide, I support you and your decision 100%...whatever it is.

We did not invite DH's mom because she used to beat the shit out of him regularly as a kid. She said good bye to her as a teen and never looked back.

I'm not inviting my parents. No doubt, no guilt, no anxiety about it. They're both douche canoes that I haven't spoken to in years. My father doesn't even know FH and I have a son together, and I have no idea what addresses to send invitations to if I did want to invite them.

Drama free is the way to be!

I have decided to tell my father about my wedding but he isn't getting a formal invitation.

He most certainly does not get to step in my life on the biggest day of my life and expect to do all the "dad stuff" like walking me down the aisle, giving me away, first dance, etc. after not being there for everything else in my life .

But if he wants to show up, he can.

I completely understand where you are coming from and support you 100%!

My mom (no dad in picture) and his parents aren't invited but that's not due to drama. We're just inviting a small group of friends. FH's sister and both of my siblings have all eloped so it's not really a big deal to tell them a week later "hey we're married!".

I can't relate but I think you are strong and should go with your gut feeling

No parents allowed here..my "mother" left when I was 7..spent 6 years in foster homes "dad" threw me out at 15..FH's dad passed away when he was 25, his mom and him haven't spoken in 5 years over an argument his sister caused..

My father isn't coming and either is most of my family. My FH has a big family so it makes me sad bc I feel like I have no support on my side. I get some of what your going through. It does suck and hurt but I refuse to let it ruin my day! Best of luck!

I'm not inviting my mom because she's judgemental and we met in may of this year and he just propose to me two days ago and we plan on getting married in November of this year yes its fast but we fell in love with each other and we both spend everyday together we practically stay together every night so we never been apart so we know each other very well now he's 44 years old and I'm 26 years old and I'm ready to settle down and be happy cuz I had all my fun at a young so I'm like a young person with an old soul

@Jashanda That has to be the longest sentence I have ever read.

I understand. I am not inviting my biological father or the father that raised me. They are both deadbeat assholes and don't deserve to come.

@fernandez2018 I apologize

I can't quite relate, but I can understand. Some people just have bad parents. It's okay to be sad over it, but I think you're doing the right thing.

This is such a personal decision that I don't think anyone can tell you if you're making the right choice for you. I'm fairly close with my parents, but my sister didn't invite our dad to her wedding and I understood why. I hope you find a decision that you're at peace with.

Toxic people have no place in your life and do not deserve to be there on your happiest of days. In the long run, you'll be thankful. If you're already no-contact with them, don't break it. But, in the end this is your decision. I've also had to deal with abusive relatives and they have no details about my life.

I am so sorry that you are in the position you are in. But it sounds like you are making a sound, reasoned decision, and please don't worry about your fiancé wanting you to have family there. I'm sure he just wants you to have the best day possible and if that means not having your family there, I'm sure he will be fine with that. It sounds like you are marrying into a lovely family and that's what's most important right now.

Mine are invited but they won't be there. Part of me is excusing it for various reasons-money mainly but then there is that angry part of me that's like well if they really wanted to be there, they would be. I also don't have a really strong relationship with my folks, mostly my mother. I have a decent one with my dad and that's what I'm most upset about missing out on. All the father-daughter stuff. And it hurts and makes me sad. But he's making the choice not to travel there if he wanted. You can't make anyone do something they don't truly want to do.

That being said, I totally support the decision to leave out those that are abusive and don't add anything to the quality of your event. I wish you as much of stress free day as possible.

I absolutely hate my fiancés mom... She's crazy and just cussed me out the other day for no reason... But I still told my finance to invite them... His parents names are not going on the invitations though.

Have a special dance with a man who is special to you!! Like a grandfather or even someone in your FH's family. You don't have to follow tradition.

I've had many couples who have not invited one parent or another. We don't usually get much further than, "He/she is not a part of my life" (because of course, many parents are deceased and do deserve the honor that comes with parenthood).

The most important thing is that you feel comfortable and content with your decision. Odds are that the people who know you well will completely understand. You don't owe anyone an explanation.