Not Inviting My Father

I am so done with it. I want to move on with my life and I can't have part timers in my life whenever he feels coming in and out more when it's convenient for him. So now she saying that he asked when I was getting married and that he hasn't been invited. She told him that so far she has been told he isn't but maybe if he makes an effort I can changed my mind. So she was telling him That I said 50 guest and that our family is small so he took it upon to say that with him, his wife, son, wife's cousin and kids and cousin mom that will complete the 50 guest. WTF?

I told her I did have my 50 guest and she was even questioning who in our family cause we have small family I told her and told her I invited 6 close friends and their spouse and not to forget my DF is also inviting friends. 50 adult guest without including us the kids and the vendors basically makes 60 guest to pay. So she was trying to insist

That I should still invite him only cause he's my father. I told her he is basically sperm donor cause he hasn't done crap for me. She then asked who was walking me the aisle I aid my mom and son and she was like how could a child walk you it's always a man. I said if my uncle was still alive he would of walked me down the aisle. Even if I consider him to be invited only him and his wife would be invite since it's adult only wedding and he wouldn't do the father.daugther stuff. He would be guest but I told her I am not going to spend money on someone who now wants to come into my life.

She tarted saying that I need to let go of my grudge and live in a positive life. I told her I def am and tht's why I don't want him around. So last night I was overthinking and feel like why do I have to justify how I feel. Like why is it ok for HIM to walk in and out of my life and I have to accept him every time with open arms. I feel like what I feel I have to disregard and give him the chance every time he decided to reenter my life.

I just want to say do what is best for you. My dad was the exact same way. Like EXACT. When my son (who is 17 months old now) was born, he decided he wanted to be a part of our lives. I told him that he was only welcome if he was going to continually be a part of our lives and make an effort. Well, he didn't. He's seen my son maybe 3 times for a couple of hours. He hasn't asked about the wedding once but tells everyone else how excited he is to walk me down the aisle. To his surprise, he will not be walking me down the aisle. My true father, my step dad will be. Even more to his surprise, I will not be inviting him. I have told him I'm done and now that I have a son, I don't have time for part-timers. If my son is not a priority in his life then he is not one in our life. Again, do what you think is best. Go with your gut. But if you don't invite him, be absolutely 100% sure that you are done giving him chances. There is no right or wrong answer. You don't need to do what I did. Just do whatever you won't regret and what is truly best for you. We always call my dad my sperm donor so it's funny you said that. Good luck! I'm sorry you are going through this. I wholeheartedly understand.

ETA: you have whoever you damn please walk you down the aisle. It does not need to be a man. I contemplated having my step father and mom walk me down. I've been to two weddings where the mother has walked the bride. It is 100% your choice and it does not need to be a man.

I'm sorry they're causing you so much stress. I agree with A-lynn17 - do what you feel is best for you and your son.

Also your aunt needs to butt out and respect your decision.

I think you should do what is best for you and your family.

Your aunt probably just wants the family together and is being optimistic that he has changed. It's hard turning your back on family. That being said at the end of the day you have to do what is best for you

I also have feelings too. It hurts me what he does. I am so tired of feeling like I am not enough for him. I told her he decides to walk in and out but I also have the right to decide if I want him in my life. This time is me that don't want to give him the chance. He changed good for him. God bless him but the 9 yrs since my ODS was 8 months he has been doing the in and out and I refuse to accept that behavior any longer. So NOW my sister called me yesterday telling me he wants to change and same crap. I told her good but I ran out of patience and waiting for that change. To late so my aunt invited my sister me and my mom over May 31 so I am going to set boundaries and make my feelings know

I think you are one the right track with setting boundaries with not only him (and the right boundary may very well be no contact), but also with your sister and aunt. Think up some boundaries. Communicate them with your FH because this is about to be his family too, and then stick to them. In the end, the most important thing is yours and your sons' happiness.

A-lynn17- I am here crying cause everything you said I am feeling that way. I thought he would be a good grandfather the least he can do. I thought he understood that but I guess I was wrong. I just can't do that cycle again in and out in and out. My ODS have asked questions and I lied to him telling him grandpa works. The last straw was 2011 when he cancel twice then told me he was coming thurs and when that day came my son waited in the window shield and literally it just brought back memories of me doing that. I literally was reliving that and I refused my son to go through that. So he wants to tell my son that he's been working and that NOW he wants to be part of our lives and making an effort. NOW yeah I don't think so. So he is going to sit my 9 yr old telling him the same story he told me at that age. Pfft No Bye

Nicole- Exactly I need to set boundaries with my sister and aunt. My sister called my mother yesterday cause she thinks my mom is putting stuff in my head but she isn't this is how I feel. What part don't they get. Last time I saw him was last July in my uncles funeral before that my son's 7th bday. and before that NYE 2011. I literally don't have no contact. No text no calls no emails no nothing.

What will be different now cause he saids it. He always say he wants to hae more contact and never does. I understand my aunt wants us all together but it isn't and that's the truth. My father is selfish and never changes. There's more but it's for my sister not me. I'm just saying what he has done to me.

Leave him where he is. I didn't invite my biological father and have no regrets. He will not know our children either. I have forgiven him for being in and out of my life and choosing to raise someone else's children instead of his own, but I cannot allow him to continuously disrupt my life every time his step kids disappoint him and he wants to remember that he has biological children as well. I have a great relationship with my step siblings but want nothing to do with him. Stand your ground.

I am not inviting my father to my wedding. And I am also the only sibling (out of 5) that has no contact with him. I am constantly battling their pressure and, in the result, my guilt of being the "black sheep" in our family.

I am 100% better off without my father. I didn't start feeling that way though. It took me 4 years of slowing cutting him off to realize that the less I allowed him in my life, the better my life got, in every way. It is very surprising how an extremely toxic person in your life, even if they arent taking up much of your physical time, can take up a lot of "space" in your head.

Basically, most of the pain I deal with comes from the pressure from my siblings or extended family on my father's side. My therapist described this to me and it has always made a lot of sense:

In families, there is very much an established "unit" or "system" in place. And each and every person in the unit is integral. Imagine a circle of people feeding off each other. When even 1 person removes themselves from that circle, it sends the whole entire unit into a frenzy. There is a "hole" in the unit and family members can try and "fix" the hole, even when the person who removed themselves doesn't want this. This causes obvious friction.

This is just something to think about for why our family can react negatively to our own personal decisions. What they are doing is trying to fix their situation, but that doesn't fix your problem. It is important to do whats best for you and your family.

I am not inviting him to my wedding either, actually i don't even think he knows i am engaged. we tried to have a relationship when i was younger but as i got older and started to understand things i realized that he just wasn't a part of my life and never seemed to make an effort to be a part of my life. i was always the one calling him or making sure he was ok. its been some years now since we have spoken and i honestly think its better off that way. i also call him my sperm donor which is funny. i will be asking my uncle to walk me down the aisle because he has been more of a father to me than my biological father.

The decision you need to make is not an easy one but think that this is your day and you need to do what you feel will be best for you.

I'm sorry this is happening but i'm sure you will make the best choice.

Thank you so much. I am def not conflicted to invite or not to invite cause when I was doing my guestlist he didn't even came up. After speaking to my aunt yesterday no later then an hr I received a fb msg from her saying she called him to let him now I have my 50 guest. I was so pissed so I slept it off and wrote back today telling her it's not her place to inform him anything about my wedding or my guestlist. If he was invited or not he will receive the invitation. Her respond was that she just wanted to inform him so he don't get an idea of bring his girl's family umm first when you get invited to a wedding you don't bring more people like its a house party. I didn't want to go back and forth

I don't know if I should tell her through fb I just don't want contact with him or wait til May 31 in person.

I'm used to him to be out of my life. I just dont want him to come back in and then who knows if he feels like he don't want to be a part of my life. Like bye screw your feelings. I am tired of his constant in and out and I have to greet him and forget he left. Why? I don't know

I think you need to do what is best but also think long term. If there is a chance you would regret not having him at your wedding in the future then invite him.

I have issues with both my parents. I respect both of them but I don't have an ounce of love for either one. They both neglected and abandoned me as a child. With that being said I invited them both to my wedding. They are guest with nothing to do with the wedding at ALL. My daughter is walking me to the beginning of the aisle. Her boyfriend will escort her to their seats and then FH will come get me and we will walk the aisle together. I am making a statement that this is my husband and my foundation to the world. When my photographer asked about family photos I was like one photo with both parents with FH and I am done. We are doing that right after the wedding before the reception. It should take 10 minutes max. If they get there before the wedding I will try to get it before just to save time. My FH said to invite them because he doesn't want me to have any regrets. If they start any negativity they will be asked to leave. My father told me right to my face in front of my aunt that he didn't want to come to my wedding. My aunt told him off and told her husband, my father's youngest brother, and my uncle basically told him you will be going to the wedding. My uncle and my brother will keep him in check. They both have not been present for major life events so if neither show up it will not effect me. As far as paying for them to me that isn't a big deal. I piss away hundreds of dollars doing stupid stuff so paying $60.00 for 2 meals is nothing. I understand where you have a 50 person limit. If you have your 50 and cannot expand your guest list to fit him then I would not have a problem letting him and everyone know that he waited to long to get in touch. Tell your aunt if she isn't going to be supportive then to mind her own business. FH and I are paying 100% for our wedding so I don't have any problems telling people if you don't like it then don't come.

Thank you. She wrote back telling me she called him to inform him so he wouldn't think that if there's a possible way for him to get invited that he don't invite more people but who knows what will happen from here to a yr. She basically disregarding that I just told her. No he isn't invited and no I am not changing my mind from here to a yr. It's to late. I am going to wait to tell my sister and aunt in person cause I hate fb writing I always prefer to do face to face cause then they see face expressions. If they can't respect my feelings then I will start separating myself. No one is paying for our wedding except for us. So no one has a say who gets or don't get invited. When he decides to call me in August since NOW he don't have time and in August he does I am going to tell him he is wasting his time cause this time is me that don't want to make time for him. He is too late. I gave him many chances to change and this isn't the right time to accommodate his needs.

I seriously don't understand how a person who don't talk to someone for so long thinks they will get invited. Like I would nevr imagine being invited to a party nor a wedding if I don't talk to that person.