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Beginner February 2020

Not inviting matron of honor to bachelorette party

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gloglo3k, on March 10, 2019 at 3:40 AM

I love my older sister, but we don’t always see eye-to-eye, especially lately. We have a fairly large age gap - we’re 18.5 years apart. We’re not incredibly close, but I’ve always seen her as a second mother/confident so I’d like to have a special role for her in my wedding.

I settled on making her the matron of honor, and my best friend my maid of honor, working jointly, but I’m having a difficult time drawing boundaries with her. Ideally, I would like her to be a part of the planning process, escort my niece (the flower girl) down the isle, and give a speech at my wedding. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having her attend my bachelorette party, walk down the isle with me, or be the main planner, for various reasons. But she’s already making plans and taking over the role of maid of honor. Any suggestions on politely having a discussing with her about her role in my wedding without hurting her feelings?

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28 Comments

Master September 2019
Colleen · on March 11, 2019 at 7:37 AM
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Can you maybe do a more low key bachelorette thing with her. Then do the drinking and party thing just as a party with your friends?
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Devoted March 2019
Tori · on March 11, 2019 at 8:09 AM
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Matron of honor is a BIG deal. If you didn't want her to be so involved you shouldn't have asked her. Why didn't you just ask her to be a bridesmaid instead? Or just to escort the flower girl? I understand you felt pressured so I'm sorry this has happened to you.

I really don't think you can do much but suck it up and have fun with the process. Tell your maid of honor to make sure she doesn't step on her toes. Good luck!
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VIP September 2019
Melissa · on March 11, 2019 at 8:32 AM
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If you don’t want her involved, you shouldn’t have asked her to be matron of Honor as there is no difference between that and maid of honor except one is married and one is not. If I was a co MOH (which I have been twice) I would assume planning and attending a shower and bachelorette would be involved in that and would be kind of offended if you said don’t come to the bachelorette
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Master June 2020
Anna · on March 11, 2019 at 8:45 AM
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Matron of honor , just means she is married herself , or her title would be Maid of honor.

I have both in my wedding, because they are both very special to me. One just happened to be married and the other is single. So, I can honor them both.

I would just hope for the best...it would be hurtful to exclude her from events. Perhaps, she has turned over a new leaf and wants to prove it to you?

I hope it all goes well! Good luck!
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Beginner February 2020
gloglo3k · on March 11, 2019 at 9:34 AM
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Thanks all! I really wasn’t so much looking for advice on what to do, but more framing the conversation I am going to have, so I appreciate that feedback.

My sister would have been much more offended to be excluded from the wedding party all together and just give a speech. There are A LOT of reasons why I was thinking of excluding my sister from certain things. Obviously there is history and behavior that you all aren’t aware of. There are no strict guidelines on what a bride should or shouldn’t do... every wedding is unique and every family situation and relationship is different so I don’t think it’s fair to say “she has to do this” or “change this event for her”, it’s MY wedding at the end of the day, titles, traditions, or not.
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Legend July 2019
MrsD · on March 11, 2019 at 12:26 PM
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Not inviting a member of your bridal party to pre wedding events is rude and hurtful. If you didn't want her to do all MOH roles, I wouldn't have put her in the bridal party at all.
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Super October 2018
MrsJackson · on March 11, 2019 at 12:35 PM
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I know the age difference is big, but I invited my mom and her friends to my bachelorette party and it was great!
If you're worried about her making a scene then I'd have a talk with her about it. Excluding her from the bachelorette party sounds like more drama in the end.
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Super October 2019
Kellie Martinez · on March 11, 2019 at 12:45 PM
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This is a hard one because immediately after being given that title she assumed responsibility for that but like you said, you are setting boundaries and this is your wedding. A conversation definitely needs to be had because she may be hurt if she sees pictures after the bachelorette party she didn't know anything about.
I think asking her to be matron-of-honor may have been unnecessary, given the fact that you don't want her to be a part of this very important part of the pre-wedding fun. I don't want to come off as being rude at all so please don't take it that way but she isn't taking over,, you gave her that title and put her in that role yourself. This is something I would have explained immediately after I asked her to begin with so that there would be no confusion down the line.

That being said, you are where you are so I would tell her the truth. I can't say she won't be disappointed but she does need to know that she isn't invited to the bachelorette party.

I hope all goes well and you have a beautiful wedding day.

I also wanted to add that my sister is my maid of honor and my best friend is my matron-of-honor. They are both very involved and are planning my bachelorette party and paying for fun things they want to do the day of as a team. Half and half. Because they are the same; the only difference is that one is married.
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