Not inviting matron of honor to bachelorette party

I would just explain to her that you really want her to relax on the planning and to let your best friend do some things.

View Quoted Comment Thanks for the comment . I mentioned that to her and she said “no, I WANT to be involved.” She’s very assertive in her opinions, so I know I need to sit down with her and have a discussion, nip it in the bud before things get worse. I’m just not too sure how to frame the conversation...

That may get a bit tricky cause if anyone is planning your bachelorette party it would be your maid and matron of honor. I would explain to her what you are thinking.

If you're not comfortable having her involved in pretty standard pre-wedding events, why did you ask her to be in your wedding party? You gave her the most major role in your wedding.

If it's a matter of age difference (and therefore, her taste in activities) then she might decline attending the bachelorette anyway. Anyone in the bridal party is free to pick up any kind of pre-wedding event planning they'd like, so if your Maid of Honor is willing to, then that's great, and she can let your sister and the other bridesmaids know that. However, purposefully excluding anyone in the bridal party from pre-wedding events is strange and definitely rude. When you say you don't want her to walk down the aisle with you, do you mean you don't want her to stand up with you at all during the ceremony or you don't want her to personally escort you down the aisle?

Hmm well she's already for matron of honor, but I would say there are other ways to honor her roll in your life than with that title. At this point, that doesn't matter. I guess you could talk to your sister and let her know MOH is planning the bachelorette and ask for her help on another task instead.

Hmmm I don’t know about that . I say let her help out, sounds like she is excited to be a part of the planning and happy for her baby sister. Let her help but let your bff make the final decisions. As far as the bachelorette party don’t let the age fool you tht may be just what she needs.... now if she has anything to say about it at tht time is when you jump and say this is my wedding and no one is going to tell me what and what I can’t do ... if you don’t like it then leave.... but No don’t do that it’s mean...

You have given her the title so she is actually doing what she is supposed to do. So many woman have issues with their bridesmaids stepping up and it sounds like that’s not an issue here at all so count that as a blessing!

i think you should assign her very specific responsibilities. Tell her she is in charge of your shower and your maid of honor the bachelorette. Or if you don’t want to give her something that big, give her the bridesmaid jewelry or the programs or planning the rehearsal dinner, etc. At the end of the day it sounds like she wants be there for you, let her. You just have to specific about what you want from her and be clear what the other maid of honor will do

regarding your bachelorette I think as your matron you can’t not invite her. I would be honest With her and say it’s gonna have a bit of a younger wilder vibe and you don’t want her to feel uncomfortable at all so you would be totally fine if she doesn’t come, but I think you have to leave that up to her. I don’t think it’s tough to not invite her at all. That’s actually kind of embarrassing for her as well.

You can’t ask someone to be in your bridal party and exclude them from bridal party events. That would be hurtful and incredibly rude.

Thank you for the comments all! Now that I hear everyone’s opinions, I feel like I might have made a mistake making her the matron of honor... But I’ll do the best of it now and have a conversation with her. I think I felt pressured to do it because she’s my sister, despite me not feeling 100% comfortable with it because:

1) my sister has historically had a problem with drinking, partying, and getting too wild... that’s my biggest fear for my bachelorette party... she doesn’t know any of my 20-something friends. I’m worried about her making a scene, not making it fun for the rest of the girls, and getting herself into trouble

2) she’s not doing well financially and I’m worried about that causing tension with the other girls because she tends to say yes to everything and then tell you “IOU” later on.

3) She and I have very, very different styles and personalities. I feel that my maid of honor and best friend knows my style better, is more empathetic towards my wants, and is more “responsible” than my sister when it comes to planning. My sister tends to place her wants and likes over others and be very forgetful/a procrastinator, so I feel more comfortable leaving planning to my maid of honor

4 ) I was told the title of “matron of honor” was just that, a title, and I didn’t have to make her have or do any role I didn’t want her to.

I was just not expecting her to be so overbearing on my wedding... Everything I mention is “I don’t want to do that, I’m doing this...” I’ve made my decision for the most part, I mostly need to figure out how to frame my conversation with her politely. Was wondering if anyone has been in my situation and had to have a similar talk with their matron of honor about splitting tasks and leaving certain things to the maid of honor.

This is tricky. I honestly would of not giving her a role. I would of told her to give a speech but to enjoy the wedding. You should of been clear on that side. Keep us updated! This IS YOUR DAY and your happiness is important.

View Quoted Comment I meant escorting me. I’ve leaving that role to my big brother and mother. She will be standing next to me with my maid of honor.

View Quoted Comment Thank you, Wendy! I know, I agree. Everyone kept saying “she’s your sister, you have to!” and that got to my head. So I settled on a “modified role” which isn’t working out too well haha. I love her but no one knows her like I do so my worries are definitely justified. I’ll just have to be clear with her on her roles .

I’m glad your going to speak to her. It’s tough but I learned that the wedding will go my way regardless of who doesn’t like it. Your wedding is special and the last thing you want is to have your maid of honor struggling with your sister. Wish you luck from NYC!

View Quoted Comment There’s really nothing modified about the title of matron of honor. It’s exactly the same thing as a maid of honor. The word matron simply signifies she’s married. I can understand feeling pressured by your family, and I understand your concerns, but excluding her from bridal party events is not ok if she’s in the bridal party.

I totally understand family pressure but what’s done is done. I think at this point your best bet is to
give her specific tasks that you feel will not intrude or conflict with what you want. And have the talk to her about how she carries herself at your bachelorette party.

I would just be very clear on what her role is and what you want her to do. I would just be honest...because usually maid and matron of honor help plan bachelorette parties also

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries. It's one thing to give someone an important role, but I'd they are over stepping their bounds or not listening to your direction, you have every right to do some course correction. IT'S YOUR WEDDING, not hers! You should be happy with the events and the outcome. If you're having a separate bridal shower, perhaps put her in charge of that and set clear guidelines. If someone isn't listening to what you want, are the rude ones, not you.

I honestly feel it's your wedding and things are essentially all about you. If she wants to help thats great but it sounds like she wants to take over which I definitely wouldn't allow. If she gets too wild at parties and can't control herself I don't think its rude to not want her there. I'm not inviting one of my uncles at all for that reason. Maybe sit and talk to her and outline some rules. if she won't listen to reason that's pretty much her probelm not yours.

Thank you for the advice everyone! Much appreciated . It really helped me settle on what to do. I’m going to have my maid of honor and matron of honor (older sister) be just that - co-organizers, and give my sister the benefit of the doubt. But I am going to sit down with my sister and ask her to be respectful of my other bridesmaids and maid of honor’s opinions since they spend a lot of time with me and know my likes and dislikes very well. Im also going to ask her to sit out of my bachelorette party because it makes me uncomfortable to be in that situation with someone I’ve always seen as a second-mother. I think she’ll be a little upset (because she wants to party most of anything), but understanding of my perspective and feelings.

You can be extremely polite about it and pleasant and say “Look, I totally appreciate your honest and careful observations, but I only need this[explain what you expect and fall back on delegating duties between the bridal party members(aka herding cats)] you don’t have to reveal all your reasons you just need to bring up what will resonate with her. She sounds like someone who genuinely wants to help but is used to taking an authoritative lead when you are concerned. A little gentle coaxing can pay off.

If you do exclude her from your bachelorette party(I’m not having one) you are either going to give a convincing excuse or bring in all the other members on the black out(which is difficult to manage). Maybe it would be safer to skip the events you want to exclude her from and take the high road, rather than drama.