not inviting guests by circles.

It’s not common in our area or social circle. It’s pretty much an all or nothing thing (unless there is a very compelling reason not to, such as abuse, toxic relationship, etc).

I don’t know if it’s common, but we did the same thing. My husband has first cousins that were in our wedding because they’re basically like his brothers but he also has first cousins he hasn’t seen in decades so those cousins weren’t invited.

There’s one “aunt” and her children, “cousins” that are not invited. All other cousins and aunts/uncles are invited. The aunt & cousins that are not invited are toxic to me, I honestly can’t stand them and I hate even thinking their name. Invite who you want, it’s your day. If others can’t respect your decision maybe they should stay home as well.

I've heard the circle thing. I think it may just be that both my husband and I come from small families, so we just invited everyone. Each of our parents only has 1 sibling each, so even with some 2nd cousins, it really didn't amount to that many people on the guest list.

This depends a lot on the family dynamic. My fiancé grew up in a large, close-knit family. He has 21 aunts/uncles and 36 first cousins who all live nearby. If any of them weren't invited to any wedding, it would cause immeasurable hurt feelings. It would be unthinkable not to invite all of them. But there are other families that have a toxic relative, or where the extended family don't really talk or see each other that much, and then I can understand leaving someone out. Since you're paying, you get the final say.

View Quoted Comment They SHOULD know we are not budging on this. We're having a secular ceremony, they unsuccessfully tried to make us change our minds but our answers/replies were cristal clear. We refused their money in the first place coz we knew their money would have come with 1000 strings attached . We would have had to plan their party in lieu of ours.
Our guest count is 80-90, but had both sets of parents contributed, the guest count would have skyrocketed to 250 for sure, maybe 300, more than half of whom would have been people none of us even know or care about.
Not in a billion years it's going to happen.

Good for you for standing your ground and paying for the wedding you want!


I invited in circles for family and sort of wish I hadn’t—there were second cousins that I’m close with (and many I’m not) and really wish I had extended the invite to them. My husband invited all of his aunts and uncles but select cousins.

View Quoted Comment I totally get it. In this situation, we would invite everyone, including the second cousins but ... I have 10 uncles & aunts + 7 spouses/SOs, 14 first cousins and my fiancé has 16 uncles/aunts + 14 spouses/SOs... 32 first cousins LOL.

View Quoted Comment This is the situation I was in also. I have 16 blood aunts & uncles + their 16 spouses (so 32 all together), 54 first cousins + 48 spouses (so 102), and 12 second cousins + 9 spouses (so 21)…. For a grand total of 155 aunts, uncles and cousins, just on my side. There are some that we see very regularly and are quite close with, and some that I hardly see at all. But, we knew that inviting some and not others would cause hurt feelings/drama (especially since I am very close with some of the aunts/uncles but not their children, so I knew the parents would probably feel a certain way about their children not being invited ) so we went with the etiquette of inviting in circles.

I just attended a family members wedding and they didn’t go by “circles”. This decision has created irreversible damage by the bride/groom and other family members. Unless you have legitimate reason (racism, violence, etc) then this is honestly a terrible idea.
I had a mini wedding and went by circles. Aunts and uncles, no cousins. This made it easy and clear for people to understand.
Level of closeness and how frequently you see someone aren’t mutually exclusive. My husbands brothers live across the world and we rarely see them, that doesn’t mean he isn’t closer to them than my second cousin we see frequently because he lives in the same city. Don’t base your decision off your grandparents but understand that you are potentially starting your marriage with isolating your future family. Your relationships will evolve and you’ll go in and out of closeness with different people. Don’t ruin any chance of relationship before your marriage even begins.

There is no etiquette that says you must invite all aunts/uncles, cousins and others by circles. Not everyone has an equally close relationship with each individual. If you are not close to someone, you don’t invite them, and never invite anyone out of obligation to please others whom you don’t want in attendance.. If that means you are close to Aunt and Uncle A but not Uncle B or C or you are uncomfortable around them, whatever the case is, then you aren’t obligated to invite them because someone else says so.


The only times etiquette says you must invite everyone in the group is with significant others and children. In the case of children, they are optional but if you invite one you must invite all or don’t invite any which includes the wedding party and infants.

View Quoted Comment It may be an "unofficial etiquette" but it's recommended by "etiquette experts", I found this on WW and I even found the same piece of advice on offbeatbride:

I didn't invite all my cousins in circles, I have some cousins whose kids call me "Aunt" and we exchange gifts, call/text, go out to lunch, etc..., and other cousins who's kids could walk right be and not acknowledge me, or know who I am (I have 33x first cousins). So, to me not all first cousins were equal (or 2nd cousins, or first cousins once removed).

My husband has more first cousins than I do, however they are all out of state - so we invited all of them, only 2x cousins came (out of like 50). I get it, traveling for a wedding is expensive.

In recent years, we have noticed a decrease in cousin wedding invites that we receive (usually the wedding is in their state) and they need to reduce attendance. I get it, weddings are expensive - and sometimes you need to reduce the headcount by a lot.

View Quoted Comment I would respectfully disagree with that. Each couple needs to do what works for them without stepping on toes which is what etiquette prevents. If someone is not close to their parent or sibling, that logic says they must be invited regardless even if it makes the couple uncomfortable by them in attendance and closest friends are the last ones to be invited on those lists because they “don’t have” as close a relationship with you as aunts/uncles/cousins you don’t interact with. Those list are designed for a perfect world where everyone has a great relationship with every blood relation and don’t need friends, but it doesn’t fit reality. At the end of the day, couples should decide who their must have guests are, not who someone else decides they should invite.

The only way we could keep our guest count down to what we wanted was to set an age limit AND go in circles. The age limit alone would split up families, so we're doing only out to cousins and 16+. I feel a bit bad because that means we're not inviting one set of my cousins and are inviting all of the others, but this is honestly the only way to make it even kind of work. If I allow those pre-teens in everyone else with kids that age are going to be upset they're not there, and I don't want 20 kids there.

I'd much prefer to not invite people that I don't ever see, but I know it'll start way too much drama and I'm trying to keep all of this as stress-free as possible. So I'll invite those people and it is what it is.

View Quoted Comment Don't get me wrong: I'm not seeking approval or confidence and we're planning the wedding our way, not according towhat etiquettes say or what we're expected to do. However, we read them and we only use them as general guidelines.

I even said "my fiancé and I DON'T have an all-or-nothing approach on aunties, uncles, cousins
[.......................] We told our parents,grandparents that it was not up to debate, the decision has been made."My question was out of curiosity because we are stunned by the number of couples who said/say " We invited people that we didn't want there/we've never met,at our parents request, because we're their little girl/baby boy so we feel like we have to obey", "We felt pressured", "I didn't want to wear a veil or have a religious ceremony but my mom requested it", " We put X or Y in the wedding,otherwise it would have hurt mom's/dad's/nana's/cousin's/brother's/sister's feelings" and those who said " I wish we cut all parents or siblings out of the planning" and so on.Especially those who paid 100%.Other example: we are putting " kid-free wedding" on our invites even though it's a faux pas, according to an etiquette. But... we think it won't kill the parents and 99,99% of people don't even know whether or not it's a faux pas.I only want to know who has the same mindset as my fiancé and I when it comes to etiquettes, I mean who is doing things their way rather than following the etiquettes without questions.The only etiquette we will follow without questions is about spouses,live-in partners, boy(girl)friends: they will be invited whether or not we've them and regardless of how long our guest has been dating them.

We are doing exactly this. I am not close with most of my dad's family so I am only inviting 1 out of 8 aunt/uncles and only 2 out of 30 cousins. I haven't even told the rest I am engaged. I don't feel there should be any hard and fast rule of who you should invite. It should be up to who you want there.

Personally we are only inviting a few aunts and uncles on my side (and his wife against my will) and a great uncle on my fiancé's side. This is because of very bad falling outs between myself and other aunts and uncles I have through my mother's side of the family. I do think as far as "circles" go there is some etiquette that should be followed. For example only one of my co workers will be invited but that is because we knew each other prior to working together. However if I were to invite any other co workers I would probably have to invite my whole team of 20 and that is simply not in our budget nor a good idea for my mental well being. My fiancé is also having 2 extra groomsmen to prevent hurt feelings within our 2 main friend groups.