Not changing my name, how do i address this?

I would have a conversation with your immediate family so that hopefully it travels via word of mouth. I would also address any thank you notes with your full name. Have your officiant announce you as “the newlyweds, Ms. first and last name and Mr. first and last name.” Maybe mention it in the FAQ on your website if you plan to have one.

I’m not sure how to go about this because honestly, it sucks that society is so patriarchal, but people are always going to assume you are Mrs. husbandslastname, and I am sure that won’t stop after your wedding. I unfortunately don’t think there’s a way to inform people of this without being rude... other than like, clearly using your last name on your website, your invitation, your return address etc. But people will still assume. My best advice is to just mention it to as many people as possible and let it spread through word of mouth. And try not to let yourself get so upset about it because, while it’s annoying, it likely won’t stop!

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I agree with Gen. Tell people. That's all you can do.

As others have said, the best way is to let those in your circle know and take a breath before responding to future Mrs. Hisname. I have had a couple of people assume I'll be changing my name and know that they don't mean anything by it so I let it go and just let them know so hopefully they let others know as well. People will eventually get that you're not changing your name and it will work out.

I wouldn't get too worked up over it if someone says it wrong. People don't know better if they aren't informed and most people are traditional with names so it comes natural to most to think you'll take his name. If you really want to put something "out there" I'd put a little note either in the invite or the bridal shower invite that simply says something like.. "No monogrammed items please as the bride and groom will each be keeping their current last names".

Yeah, it's just something that will unfortunately continue to happen. My parents have been married for over 30 years. She never changed her name. She still gets called by my dad's last name.

Oh man, I feel this with my heart and soul. I am not changing my last name (for various reasons). We recently got a wedding invitation from a cousin of his addressed to “Mr and Mrs. his last name” and it set me off for reasons I couldn’t pinpoint. I just have to keep reminding myself that it’s something I’m going to have to deal with and (politely 🤞🏼) address whenever it comes up. Hopefully as the years go by, it will be less and less of an issue and, when it does come up, I won’t have such a knee-jerk reaction of anger to it.
Hang in there!

Will he be changing his last name to yours? (Totally doable if he wants to have the same last name as his kids.)

I'd just word the invitations in a celebratory way that tells guests what your names will be. Something like:

Announcing the wedding of the future Mrs (Ms) First Last and Mr First Last!

Then let it go. People aren't using his name to be rude or presumptuous. It's just usual practice. If something as innocent as that makes you mad, you are going to spend way too much of your life feeling angry at people who are doing nothing wrong.

I am totally on the same page as you. We are keeping our own names and have agreed on the hyphenated name for our family unit, and I’m happy with that. I am not too worried about it with other people though, mainly because the people who know me are well aware that I’m keeping my name, and the people who don’t know, don’t mean anything bad by it. I put something on our registry that is personalized with our hyphenated family name so hopefully people get the idea that we will not just be the “his last names”. If not, it won’t be the end of the world. The most important one for me is making sure no one announces us as Mr. and Mrs. “his name” at our wedding.

I’m not changing my name either (it’s 2019 lol) & we will use hyphenated last name for any future children we may have.

My advice is to try to not get all worked up about someone addressing mail etc. to Mr. & Mrs. [his last name] because it doesn’t affect your life in any way honestly. If someone says it in person, I would always correct them, but wouldn’t let that bother me.

Other things that could be helpful to make your guests aware of this are to include something like: Join us to celebrate our marriage, as we become [your last names hyphenated] or something like that, on your invite or your website. And for your entrance you can be announced as: please welcome Mr. [his full name] & Ms. [your full name].

If it’s helpful, here is a funny story of how I subtly announced no name change to my FH’s family: when we moved in together few weeks ago, I posted a comment on our FB family page “it was a big day in [our last names combined] household!” Everybody thought it’s super cute (well his family is not very traditional, even though all other women in the family changed their last names). My FH especially liked it & the family also got the name message at the same time 😉

I’m not sure if there is anything you can do. An example of an issue when it comes to gifts would be if someone write you a check with your first name and his last name on it, since it’s not your legal name.

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I didn't change my name, and the bank still allowed me to cash those checks. I just had to sign both the name on the check and my actual name. It's a pain, but it's doable.

Before the wedding, I'm not sure how much you can do, other than maybe that note about monogrammed items on your website.

Your officiant at the reception, and/or your DJ, can introduce you as "the newly married couple, Jane Smith and John Jones." You can also use your correct name on return address labels for your thank you cards. That will alert those paying attention.

Unfortunately, some people just don't pay attention, or even go out of their way to let you know they don't respect your choices. My first marriage, my then husband had cousins who sent everything to "Mr. and Mrs. John Jones" for the whole 20 years of our marriage, even after we reminded them every single time we saw them that we didn't have the same last name. And my own father named a boat [My First Name][His Last Initial}, thinking it was funny.

You can put your preferences on your website or on a card insert for your invitation with a subtle statement. "It is the bride and groom's wish that any personalized gifts read Mr. _____ and Ms. _____, or are referred to by just their first names." Or you can be straightforward and have it say, "It is the bride and groom's wish that they be referred to as Mr. _____ and Ms. _____."

Everything on here are good suggestions! To add on, you can also use only your first names for things like invitations (“ join us for the wedding of xxx and xxx”) or even announcing at the end (“I present to you for the first time as a married couple, xxx and xxx”)

I'm keeping my name. We have children together who all have my last name. Initially when we decided to finally get married I was very defensive and annoyed when people assumed I'd be changing my name (some thought we'd even change the kids' names). Now I have come to peace with the fact that they do not mean any harm. Most brides do change their names and so the assumption is typically a safe one.

I'm just addressing it as it comes up. I will have my officiant announce us at the end of the ceremony in a purposeful way, but most of my friends and my family know I'm doing this and aren't the least bit surprised. We both have degrees and publications and have a professional and sentimental attachment to our names.

This might be a dumb question, but don't you still use "Mrs." even if you don't change your name?

View Quoted Comment My bank refused to allow me to cash checks with a different last name on it that wasn’t legally mine. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Not sure why women on here are constantly jumping to let me know that I’m wrong about something. Geesh.

View Quoted Comment Weird! This was even with a marriage certificate? What did they expect you to do?

Try to remember people don't mean anything malicious by doing this. Most people think it's a cute way to acknowledge support for your marriage because they aren't thinking in the realm of "she's going to keep her name" - especially if it isn't a common thing to do in their circle.

I did change my name (couldn't wait to get rid of my maiden name lol) and his cousin's fiance addressed our wedding invitation (when we were enfaged) to Mr. and Mrs. Mynewlastname. Because I was planning on changing my name it was cute, fun and made me feel acknowledged/accepted. If I wasn't planning on changing, I could see how it would feel short sighted and presumptuous but at the end of the day his cousin and her fiance barely know me and would not have known my plans for my last name.

Have yourselves announced with two separate last names and maybe include it in the decor (card box or guest book) somehow. Otherwise, you may just have to provide gentle education for people who aren't sure. It's a hard thing because you just don't know anymore what to do and as a guest, sometimes you agonize over how to address a card. No one is meaning to hurt you.

View Quoted Comment I would assume bank has to refuse the check, if the name on it doesn’t match your legal name. It’s fraud protection.
I’m curious what you did? Calling the guest who wrote the check to tell them that they wrote your name wrong & that their gift is useless, would make for a funny, awkward conversation 😆