Heather
Expert April 2020

Not Agreeing on Anything (or that's how it feels)

Heather, on May 10, 2019 at 9:24 AM Posted in Planning 0 22
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What do you do when you feel like you and your FS don't agree on most things wedding? I understand compromise and giving in. I have actually done that on several things - like given in on half or more than half so far.

I figured this wedding planning would be an absolute breeze, especially a year out. FH never wanted a wedding in the first place, so I figured I would just ask him his thoughts on things just so there isn't anything he hates at the wedding. We agreed on SO MUCH in the beginning and now he keeps changing his mind on every last thing we both agreed on and were happy with. He is also extremely stubborn and hard-headed. I feel like he is wanting everything his way instead of ours.

Yes we are going to do premarital counseling, we are waiting a few more months. He is also reluctant to do that as well.

Anyone have advice on how to get him to compromise with me? I honestly feel like my wants aren't a lot to ask for especially compared to his. I want him to get through his think skull that this is OUR wedding, not just his, not just mine, and certainly NOT his family's.

22 Comments

Latest activity by Iva, on May 10, 2019 at 12:03 PM
  • B11
    Super May 2019
    B11 ·
    • Flag

    You said in your post "FH never wanted a wedding in the first place." I think is a big part of what the issue is. If his preference is going to a courthouse or a small elopement, I think it will be difficult to get him to compromise on that.

    I'd suggest you both sitting down and saying what you each prefer as far as size, location, etc.

    Do you already have a venue booked?

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  • Heather
    Expert April 2020
    Heather ·
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    We have everything short of the caterer booked. I worded that a bit wrong, he didn't want a ceremony (just like a court house or elopement thing), but he definitely wanted a reception. I wasn't about to have an elopement and then a reception when I wanted a ceremony. Like, overall, he is fine with having the wedding now because he still gets the reception. It's just things like flowers, catering, processional, rehearsal dinner guest list, invitations, RSVPs, etc that we disagree on. We initially agreed on catering, processional, and rehearsal dinner guest list, but then he changed his mind. We have time to change our minds, but so far it's only been opposite from what we both were originally happy with. My wants on some things (like the processional and rehearsal dinner guest list) don't "make sense" to him for some reason, but his make all the sense in the world to him. I guess I'm just afraid I'll dislike my whole wedding because I'll give in too much and it'll be nothing that I want, but everything he wants.

    I'm thinking the premarital counseling will help. We hardly ever disagree on anything and when we do we just agree to disagree. But with this wedding stuff (and maybe because I am 3 days away from taking this one CPA exam section for a 3rd time) I just feel like it's making us into the couple we aren't.

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  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie ·
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    That is definitely part of the issue. I did not want a wedding either, so we disagreed for several months and even had a date change.

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  • Emily
    Super April 2020
    Emily ·
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    I’m kind of in the same boat. My FH was ADAMANT on the date and wouldn’t budge so I gave in, BUT I said I got to pick the venue so we each had a big thing that was our decision only. My FH has an opinion on everything but does little of the work so it’s frustrating to do all this research and get shot down so quickly because he finds something he doesn’t like about everything. Premarital counseling sounds like a great idea. I don’t know your whole situation but is he making an effort looking and researching into things like you are? Maybe he’ll start compromising once he realizes how much work it is.
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  • Heather
    Expert April 2020
    Heather ·
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    He is only working on the flowers and honeymoon. I wanted fake flowers (except my bouquet) because I can't fathom spending so much money on something that will die a week later, but he refuses fake flowers. So as long as he does the work, he can have his real flowers (with a strict budget of $500, I know that's not a lot, but that's all I can shell out for flower atm). The honeymoon he is picking because it's his parent's timeshare and I have no idea how that all works. He's not done hardly any research, per se. It's just the very, very few formal wedding he has been to, he just has to be "better" and make it look so "high class." It's definitely the way he was raised. *eyeroll* It's hard to explain his family, you'd just have to know them to understand how they are. Like his mom was appalled that I would pick up my own wedding cake and do my own church decorations (which I want to do anyway). If that helps put in perspective the type of person she is. Haha. I'm really hoping he will start compromising soon.

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  • Sarah
    Master September 2019
    Sarah ·
    • Flag
    I can understand wanting to compromise but keep in mind that he probably already feels like he has compromised by agreeing to the ceremony with everyone present. I think you two need to make pre-marital counseling a priority. It will help you both communicate better with each other so that compromising will be easier.
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  • Katie
    Super November 2019
    Katie ·
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    My FS and I agreed on 80/20 vote. He doesn't care for the big white wedding but I wanted it so he is giving me 80% of the decision making on my own and he just asked for a small input mostly around the reception. If I get his opinion on other things he says "This is your thing I really don't care" so I understand where you are coming from!
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  • B11
    Super May 2019
    B11 ·
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    Since you have 11 months left before your wedding, maybe take a month break from wedding planning. When you get back into it, try dividing things up. So you would make the ultimate decisions on flowers, he would make the ultimate decision on invitations, etc. Or you each research each area on your own then sit down and show each other the invitations you both like, or the processional order you both prefer.

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  • Heather
    Expert April 2020
    Heather ·
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    I wish it were like this. I thought it was going to turn out like this, but it seems he wants the 80% without doing much of the work. Haha.

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  • Alyssa
    Super September 2019
    Alyssa ·
    • Flag

    I have found that giving my FH specific job that he has full control over has worked best for us! The honeymoon is one example. He knows where we are at budget wise and I truly don't have a huge preference and he does so he has full control of that. Our menu was kind of the same situation. I narrowed it down to the food items I liked and let him have the final say. I know doing it that way really doesn't mean we are compromising but it is what has worked best for us! I think you need to find what works best for the two of you. It would be much easier if there was a "right or wrong" way to wedding plan but unfortunately there is not.

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  • Heather
    Expert April 2020
    Heather ·
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    The unfortunate thing is I haven't brought up anything wedding except we have a few appointments this month, caterer and tux rental. I've been trying to focus on studying my test that is Monday. Like last night we disagreed hard on the processional that we agreed on initially. And I honestly can't remember how it was brought up because I was in the middle of studying. I would definitely be okay with taking a break from wedding planning/talking about it. We will definitely try this approach. But like I said, he is stubborn (plus him being an only child doesn't help because his mom spoiled him). Hopefully we can start agreeing and compromising better as we get closer and also go through counseling.

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  • Carlette
    Dedicated August 2020
    Carlette ·
    • Flag
    I'm kind of in the same boat. I have agreed to his desired date, colors, having a wedding party etc. We settled on my date though. I am now trying to get him to compromise on guest count. It has definitely been more work than I expected. I have been trying to approach everything with an open mind. I think you both just have to just communicate your reasoning behind your wants so the other can fully understand. Hopefully that will help you come a decision that you both can be happy with.
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  • Anna
    Master June 2020
    Anna ·
    • Flag
    Awww I'm so sorry. That must be soooo stressful. I'm blessed with a super laid back fiancee.
    Probably, because we are older and mellowed out lol.

    There is nothing wrong with being a hands on bride. Decorating( I'm also doing my own) and picking up the cake is part of the process and fun.
    I hope they don't take that away from you.

    Maybe, put planning on hold until the neutral third party can weigh in.
    I'm really hoping that he has a change of heart, he seems to be being a little selfish at this point. I really feel for you.

    Stand your ground. Don't give up your voice, it's your wedding too!
    Hugs to you
    It will work out, you will see!
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  • Hannah
    Master July 2019
    Hannah ·
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    Since the problem is that he keeps changing his mind, why not just put aside decisions that don't have to be made for months? Something like processional order can honestly be decided at the rehearsal. Focus on your CPA exam first because that is the biggest priority at the moment. Then, write out a list of things that need to be done and when they need to be done. Focus on the stuff that you need to plan well in advance. If you've accomplished all those tasks already, then great. Relax and enjoy being engaged! You don't need to be doing something wedding related every moment of your spare time.
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  • Katherine
    Expert July 2019
    Katherine ·
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    Luckily, with a year out, some of those decisions you don't need to make right now. You can sit on the invitation conversation for awhile to take a breather. A lot of them you can, actually. And you might need to given that it's causing such stress. Then you can reconsider with a clear and refreshed head

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  • Hermione
    Expert February 2020
    Hermione ·
    • Flag
    I told my fiance there were certain things he was not allowed to decide to solve some of it. For example, he is not allowed to decide wedding dress, bridesmaids, dresses, my part processional (bridal party and bride), things with the word bride and other things he said intially he didn't care about (flowers, music, and photography). We say it's a 80/20 decision where he gets 20% of a say and I care if it's "I hate that flavor of cake" but I still make a decision and he gets the same on the groom's cake. He gets 80% of the decision on the groom's cake. My statement to him is he is not the bride and I am not the groom.

    The other part was we can't revisit decisions already made unless something happens to the vendor. Something like the vendor cancels, the venue is destroyed in a fire. But it is set in stone and we already agreed.

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  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
    • Flag

    Sounds like your FH is more than overwhelmed on the whole wedding topic, and you did mention he never wanted a wedding to begin with. Considering you still went ahead with wedding planning, something he didn't want, it doesn't seem like you started off with not compromising. Yes, you should get the wedding you want, but so should he. He doesn't want one, you do so how about a compromise to a super small ceremony with just family and close friends then plan a big reception for afterwards.

    Sounds like its all the details of a wedding is what he wanted to avoid and has now taken over lol. I think a lot of brides probably feel the same way but you have to be considerate the same as he has to. It is the first big decisions you will have to make as a couple and shows you both how you will handle life from here on out. Good luck and I do hope you both find your compromise so that your big day is amazing for you both!

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  • Iva
    Super September 2019
    Iva ·
    • Flag
    I’d first focus 100% on your exam, because that’s the most important right now & you don’t need any distractions 🙂

    After that, I’d sit down with FH & have a talk first about why he is changing his mind. If this is a pattern & you previously agreed on things, then it’s likely there is a reason behind it. Is he getting an input from his mom on the side, is he being stubborn because he is not happy about something big that he compromised on for you (wedding or not wedding related), etc?

    After you figure that out, I’d divide tasks between two of you & based on what’s more important to each person. So if he really cares about flowers & honeymoon - he gets to do that & has veto power on those decisions. But then you get processional & rehearsal dinner (just an example). This way you don’t have to 100% agree on things but it will at least be fair. Also, whoever is in charge of a task has to do it. So he cannot complain about something you spent 10 hours researching, if he’s not putting any work into it.

    Lastly, couples therapy will help you with handling disagreements & compromise in future, because this can be a much bigger than wedding itself.

    For us, when we had a disagreement (for ex. I want very limited alcohol because I have hard time with drunk people & he thinks only open bar is acceptable because he’s used to that), we each explained our reasons behind it & how important this is for us on scale 1-10 (but we both have to be honest about it & not just say it’s 10 for everything). Then the person who had more important, rational & supported reasons ultimately gets to make the decision, while incorporating some elements of the other person’s opinion. That’s like a perfect compromise for us & it works very well!
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  • Heather
    Expert April 2020
    Heather ·
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    It wasn't like that, I may have started researching, but I didn't plan or book anything until we agreed on having the ceremony I want and the reception he wants. So in the beginning we compromised that I get decisions in the ceremony, while he gets decisions in the reception. Well, now he is trying to rule the ceremony too. The ceremony was only going to be like 15 minutes max, the cheapest part, and it is only family and close friends (we just have a lot of family). Now he wants the ceremony to last like 30-45 minutes. The reception is the most expensive part, which my dad is helping out financially just for venues and catering, thankfully. The part he wants is the most expensive part and he expects my parents to pay for it due to "tradition." So since my parents are helping out, does it not seem fair for me to have the ceremony of my dreams while he has the reception of his dreams, when the ceremony doesn't change prices no matter how many people attend? It's not the wedding he is opposed to anymore, it's the little details that we can't agree on. I know I have quite a bit of time, it's just frustrating that things we once agreed on are no longer agreed on. That's the only thing bothering me (apparently it doesn't bother him). I haven't even bought up any wedding things lately, he's been doing it. Lol.

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  • Sherry
    Master September 2019
    Sherry ·
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    Ohh, ok. Yeah, it is hard to comment and give advice without more details. I can see how you are frustrated better now. That does suck and it is tough because you don't want to end up in a huge fight. It is probably a good thing you are doing the counseling. Hopefully you have brought that up in a session, or you should so maybe an outside source can help the both of you figure out something that will work.

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