Sophia
Beginner October 2020

No one under 21 馃毇

Sophia, on February 25, 2019 at 3:32 PM Posted in Etiquette and Advice 0 46
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Hi, I want a little advice because I didnt expect this to be problematic and now, the subject has been raised.

So, I'm not inviting anyone under the age of 21 to my wedding. I'm not friends with anyone under 21, there aren't any family members I'm close to under 21, I worry about underage drinking in a venue, and tbh I really dont want children anywhere near my wedding (I'm a teacher). My fiance has been completely supportive of this idea. Apparently though, now it will be "extremely problematic" if we dont invite his underage cousins, according to my future mother in law. I have told all of my cousins - over 40 of them - that NO ONE under 21 is invited as a venue liability and now I worry that allowing some people and not others will become a bigger deal, so I'm not opening that door. I told them they were more than welcome to have his cousins at our church wedding - because that's supposed to be what matters, right? But that no, I will not change my stance on the venue.
What do you think?

46 Comments

  • Futuremrsv
    Super October 2020
    Futuremrsv
    • Flag
    Your wedding and your fh. Stick to what you want!! What is your fh saying?
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  • LB
    Champion November 2016
    LB
    • Flag

    Eh, I personally am not a fan of arbitrarily cutting off a group like this. To avoid problems is always much easier to invite in circles (ie stop at 1st cousins). That being said, if you've already shared that this is how you are doing it, I'd stick to your guns. I'd just expect that you might have more declines from guests' whose families are being separated.

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  • Gen
    Master June 2019
    Gen
    • Flag

    Stick to your guns. You can't make exceptions for some people and not others, this will end up causing more problems, I promise! You have good reasons for not wanting anyone under 21 so stand by it. You can't please everyone

    • Reply
  • Ashlee
    Dedicated November 2019
    Ashlee
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    View Quoted Comment
    I agree with this poster...
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  • DeLarrah
    Savvy April 2020
    DeLarrah
    • Flag
    I鈥檓 doing that!!!!! And girl it is what it is.. it鈥檚 $80 per person and most places don鈥檛 discount for children. My FH and I are paying for mostly all of it so we don鈥檛 care about other opinions.
    • Reply
  • Sophia
    Beginner October 2020
    Sophia
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    View Quoted Comment
    He agrees with me and wouldn't invite any of his cousins if it were up to him - of age or not. But he is trying to play devil's advocate because he knows his mother cares about this.
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  • Tara
    Master May 2020
    Tara
    • Flag
    Put your foot down! I鈥檝e been to a birthday party that was at a rented venue, the hostess got in trouble because her niece who is 18 and her niece鈥檚 friends snuck into the alcohol line and got really drunk.
    • Reply
  • Jen
    Savvy September 2020
    Jen
    • Flag
    We aren鈥檛 doing 鈥渒id cousins鈥 which essentially cuts out everyone under 21, a few in the 19-20 age made the cut. My aunts are excited they can leave their middle school age kids at home and enjoy their time. If your rule is no one under 21 I would say don鈥檛 make exceptions, that can quickly snowball and leave people upset
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  • Danielle
    Master June 2019
    Danielle
    • Flag

    I think you are doing the right thing by not making any exceptions. If you want a kid free wedding (nothing wrong with that) then that means kid free. If you make an exception for some and not others, you're opening up a whole can of worms. As long as you and FH are okay with some guests not being able to attend (lack of babysitter, etc.), then everything should be find. Stick to your guns, and don't let family members pressure you into changing the way you want your wedding.

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  • Allie
    Master August 2019
    Allie
    • Flag

    I 100% think it's best to not make exceptions. I cut off in groups (stopped at 1st cousins) because most of my second cousins have 4 kids each and most caterers didn't discount for children. Plus I don't talk to them. Are you having a licensed bartender?

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  • Sophia
    Beginner October 2020
    Sophia
    • Flag
    The venue is providing all alcohol/servers/bartenders. But they did mention additional liability insurance if we had underaged guests. The cousin in question specifically, will turn 20 the day before our wedding, so I would have to pay for additional insurance for one person while opening the door to everyone else under 21.
    • Reply
  • Quinta Nikkole
    Dedicated May 2019
    Quinta Nikkole
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    I would tell them no. It doesn't matter if it will cause problems. It is your day and if you dont want kids, then no kids.
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  • Tanya
    Dedicated November 2019
    Tanya
    • Flag
    Stick to what makes you and your FH happy. Don鈥檛 let people tell you otherwise or make you feel obligated to invite anyone you don鈥檛 want to.
    • Reply
  • J
    Master 0000
    Judith
    • Flag
    If you are not inviting them because of age alone, that is arbitrary, and wrong. The dividing like in society is full legal adulthood at 18, not the drinking age 21. You started by saying, no one in your family, nor any friends that you are close to, are in that age bracket. It is legitimate to simply not invite these people, because you are not close to them At age 18, or if they left home and became self supporting earlier, the grown up child is no longer invited on the parents invitation. They get their own, or they don't, according to how close you feel they are to you. So do not tell anyone, no people under 21, because they will say they is wrong. Tell them, we invited the people we are closest too, until we ran out of space. The age is irrelevant. And why you did is proper. We did not have anyone 12-14, or 17-18, or 39-45, 64 to 78. Not because they were those ages. But because on the list of people we are closest to , no one in their age brackets. But why tell people the age brackets in which you have no friends or family. If Aunt Sue says, why didn't you invite my son John, or Aunt Peg's daughter Joan , say, we had to limit the number of people we could invite, due to space and budget. So we invited those closest to us only. John and Joan and I are adults who rarely see each other, now that we are grown and away from the family. Do not mention age. Do not mention underage drinking, which Aut could argue is nit a problem for 12 reasons. Just, we rarely see each other now that we are independent adults. . . I got questions about 1 first cousin, and one of an aunt's step children. Simple answer: When both in college in Boston, then a couple years working, we lived on the same block 3 years, and within 15 minutes drive another 2 or 3 years. And waved if we passed on the street. In 8 years all at 11 other people's weddings, said, Hi! That is our relationship. More than 30 of my cousins, including some step relations and adopted children of a new spouse, I talk to on the phone, write to, or do something with, at least 10-15 letters or calls each, and 4-10 visits to each others homes, or going out. These are the people I see, these are the ones we invited for our limited number if guests. Hubby got a few of the same queries. Adults should understand, all close relationships do not go into further generations. Your aunt and uncle, or parents friends, may have grown kids if whatever adult ages, whom you no longer frequently see. They now have new friendships. So do you. . . Brides and families worry so much. Only rare people are actually insulted if not invited. And some people feel they are the mist important person to every one they ever met. Nothing you can do about them. Just keep saying, we invited the people we see most often.
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  • Loren
    Dedicated October 2020
    Loren
    • Flag
    We are doing no kids AND on Halloween. We know we will lose friends that want to go trick or treating with their kids and that鈥檚 okay. It鈥檚 more important for us to have an adult only event. There was a time where ALL weddings were adult only. You didn鈥檛 think to bring your children.
    • Reply
  • Shelby
    Just Said Yes June 2019
    Shelby
    • Flag

    Tell your MIL to butt out! It is YOUR wedding and an age restriction is not that uncommon. If your cousins not being invited to the reception is going to cause THAT BIG of a rift in the family.... good riddance? The fact that they think it's that big of an issue for underage people to not be allowed at a party with, what is obviously going to be, a bunch of adults is ridiculous. "Extremely problematic" sounds like a bs veiled threat. How annoying, I'm sorry. It makes PERFECT SENSE to me for you to invite them to the church ceremony, while setting an age limit on the reception. That being said - It might be a good thing to double back to YOUR side of the family and let them know that a new precedent is being set.

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  • Shelby
    Just Said Yes June 2019
    Shelby
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    In this case I would invite your MIL (who it sounds is the one making the stink about it) to pay the liability insurance herself, and then that ONE 20-year old would be welcome to come. But I, personally, wouldn't budge anywhere else.

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  • Cara
    Expert July 2019
    Cara
    • Flag
    I鈥檇 stick to your original decision. It seems to me like you chose a very clear line with the age cut off. Plenty of people have adult only weddings and you have your reasons for wanting adults only. Nothing wrong with that!
    • Reply
  • V
    Super April 2019
    Valerie
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    This just is not true. In my area, you must be 21 to enter a bar - not 18. You must be 21 to enter the tobacco store - not 18. You must be 21 to enter the floor of the casino - not 18. So while 18 is the 'adulthood', it literally only grants you access to buying lottery tickets and strip clubs.

    OP: I do not feel 21 is an arbitrary cut off. My cousin got a fairly large discount for not having anyone under 21 as it meant different security and liability insurance was needed. If this is your cut off, then stick to it 100%. If FMIL doesn't like it, or says it is going to cause problems, just have a line 'We are sorry, but due to liability reasons at our venue, we cannot accomidate anyone under 21 - no exceptions".

    I can also say, as a high school teacher, I completely, 100% understand. I do not want to be near people my students' age at the wedding - I don't feel comfortable letting loose around ANYONE (friends or family) within 2 years of the age group. All it takes is one photo of me with a drink in front of my 17/18 year old cousin to leak and I'm in potential of losing my job for 'encouraging under age drinking' or some other BS when a parent decides they don't agree I'm holding their child to a due date. (And for other posters, yes this is ridiculous, but it is also my reality and the reality of a lot of teachers in my area)

    • Reply
  • J
    Savvy May 2020
    Julie
    • Flag
    Stick to your guns! You don鈥檛 have to invite anyone you鈥檙e not close with to your wedding and that reason alone is ENOUGH. You don鈥檛 even have to mention the age thing. Nobody is obligated to invite extended family just because they鈥檙e extended family. Bye bye!

    If you need a second reason, use your venue as an excuse. No 21+ due to liability reasons.

    (I鈥檓 blasting ratchet music at my reception so any uninvited kid who shows up can enjoy that...)
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