No idea what I'm doing.

Congratulations!

Well I have a big family too and I know it's feels weird to invite 2/5 uncles but it's your day.

It's supposed to be people close to u. If u can afford it, do it.

I think that movies and the rich make expectations. A celebration of ur marriage can be any way. I've seen so simple receptions and I've seen those that people spend $$.

At the end of the day, it's what u would like to spend.

I did not invite 2 of my uncles. I do not think they were surprised.

One point that is helping not feel bad about cutting out extended family: A wedding is not a family reunion. You don't have to invite everybody so they can all hang out.

Invite those you are close to. ETA: the general wedding etiquette: If you invite a person who is in a relationship, you need to invite their SO by name (on the same invite, even if they don't live together) because they are a social unit. But you do not have to give "plus ones" to truly single guests unless you want to. If you're having your reception at a meal time, you need a catered meal and alcohol (your guests should not have to pay for anything at your wedding) and a seat for every butt! Don't plan on declines, make sure you plan for every person you invite to attend, so you don't end up screwed if you have fewer declines than expected. That's all I've got right off the top of my head lol

Wow, thanks for the quick responses! Let me go into slightly more detail. There are actually 2 of those uncles I would like to invite, beyond the two I already want, but, not their wives. I know its rude to say, but I detest them. They both have also done a lot for me and I'd like to show my appreciate for that, but I absolutely do not want their wives or their children at the reception. Its not even that I don't want the wives in my presence, like there is a very real possibility of a fist fight with these women.

Is it even possible to invite someone but not their spouse?

We do weddings like yours all the time; we have a list of 40 restaurants in the area that have private rooms. Typically, we do a little ceremony there (which, frankly, is much nicer and more 'wedding like' than most courthouses...) then a nice meal. You can have music, you can have a dress, flowers and a photographer for a couple of hours.

You can invite the exact family members you want, but you have to invite their spouses/so's/fiances/long term partners.

You don't have to invite kids.

But you also don't need to decide any of this now; you're talking about 3.5 years away.

The children are another issue all together. I actually would prefer a child-free wedding. However, my childhood best friend has 2 children, and one of my uncles (a "definite invite" one) has a daughter, and I would make an exception for them. I admit fully I'm not a fan of kids, but the rest of the children and horrible, uncontrollable monsters. I don't want you to think I'm being dramatic, I mean on of my cousins has been expelled from grade school for flipping desks, throwing chairs, and starting fights. So, I have no idea how to even approach the child situation.

Congrats!!!

I agree with Kate, start with budget and guest list.

Food and Beverages are important. NO cash bars!!!

It is etiquette to invite spouses, but if there's potential for a first fight, I'd perhaps talk to your uncles. That is the last thing you need on your wedding day. I am not inviting my grandmother or one of my uncles, no way in hell will they be at my wedding. If they show up, they will be removed.

I know our budget is VERY small, we would actually love to do a home-based wedding, however our apartment isn't good for it. We do have a large apartment with a yard, so it is technically possible but I just don't see it working out. It's my intention to take out a loan for all of this as I have good credit, but we're trying to make it as nice as possible with as little money as possible.

I hear these horror stories about monster kids, it honestly makes me glad that my friends are strict and their kids don't act like little monsters. Don't get me wrong they do act up at times, but my goodness flipped desks, throwing chairs? That is completely unacceptable behavior.. oh my goodness.

So.... I hear you on the uncles but not wives bit. I have an uncle whose wife I could live without. Im LITERALLY only inviting her because I can't invite him and not her, my mom begged me to and told me that she (my aunt) had cancer (so I'd feel guilty being a b***h).

My advice would be to think carefully about inviting those couples. You can't exclude the wife, it's rude AF but maybe there is another way to show your appreciation for your uncles.

You need to just say No to children, especially if you want to say no to one Uncle but would say yes to another. I guess if you include the best friend in the bridal party (I don't know if you're thinking of having one) you can include their children... But it'll be far less drama for you to just say no across the board, unless it's a breastfeeding infant.

You cannot invite your uncles and not their wives, you will have to choose between both or neither, though like Celia said, you have a lot of time.

With family drama and relations you aren't sure what you're going to do with, I would recommend not doing STDs (Save the Dates) so you keep your options open on editing the guest list right up to sending invites 8 weeks before the date.

Like PP said, discuss saving and budgeting, the size of wedding you want to have (and can afford), rough guest list and go from there!

We know our budget will be VERY small, and intend to take out a loan to pay for all of this. We basically want to make it as nice as possible while being as inexpensive as possible. We don't want to be "cheap" though, I'd rather push it out several years than that. My partner and I have lived together for 6 years already, so a long engagement is a non issue.

@Chris

Please do not take out a loan for your wedding! The worst thing you can do is start your married life out with needless debt. Financial issues are a huge strain on a marriage.

Backyard weddings can sometimes end up costing more than established venues, once you factor in event rentals like seats for each guest, weather-proofing or a backup plan for weather, renting extra tables, and having sufficient bathroom accommodations for guests.

I would look into Celia's suggestion of a private room at a restaurant. It's less "formal" than a banquet hall reception, but more so than a backyard get together. (I think you said you wanted something in between?)

Edit: I would also caution against going into debt (because that's what taking out a loan is) for your wedding. You have time! Save and spend wisely, and be realistic with your budget (it sounds like you already are) and I think you won't need to borrow money for a wedding.

I have some unpopular options to save money (for venue and for all your other vendors too).

-I would have the wedding during off season- think Nov- March if weather in your area isn't crazy.

-If you guests are immediate family and local, I would also consider a weekday wedding

These may not be great options, but they can lead to huge savings and would be better than taking out a loan. Not inviting children or cutting guest list in general is another way to save.

Don't take out a loan for a party. Throw something you can afford!

Just gonna weigh in a tad here by saying that if the feelings with your uncle's wives are mutual, they probably won't come any way. But you do have to invite them.

Don't take out a loan for your wedding. If you want to do a courthouse wedding, and a small dinner after that sounds like a great idea! Just invite your nearest and dearest. As long as the food and booze are free for your guests, and everyone has a seat, you're doing your job as a host. It doesn't have to be grand to be great.

Thanks everyone so much for all the advice so far, it's greatly appreciated. So to address why I'm leaving leaning toward a loan; we have basically no savings at this time, despite living together for so long. Full disclosure we're 26 and 29 non-college grads. I make a decent wage but my partner, not so much. I do, however, have excellent credit and am very good at realistically budgeting for anything I finance. Our next big issue is we want to purchase a home in the near future, and we find it far more important to save for that versus the reception we want. I really hate to sound "gift grabby" but we actually intend to ask is the kindest and least "begging" way possible than any gifts anyway wants to give should go towards our new home. Mind you if no one gets us anything we don't care, it's not as if we're having the wedding to try to bolster a down payment. My concern is that if we save for both, it will be a decade before we can realisticly get married. The 2020 date I picked is a placeholder, we'd like to do it sooner if possible.

Oh, also did not mention, we were thinking something semi outdoorsy. We definitely know we want the fall, we want to use the natural color of the mountains to our advantage. We Really don't want to end up stuffed into a closed space, we're into nature and all that.

Chris,

You will be advised here that you can't ask for cash towards a house. By not making a registry, everyone is going to give you money anyways. Straight up asking for cash is pretty rude though