No Family and Anxious About It

Now, I’ve suspected it would be like this for a long time. I’ve mentally prepared for it. But I guess it wasn’t until FMIL and FH shared their guest list that it really hit me. We’re inviting 200 people, and while yes some are mutual friends, over 50% of the guest list is going to be family members who are essentially there for him. And really, when I even think about the mutual friends, most of them were his friends before they met me. He’s kinda one of those instantly lovable people, so I’m not surprised all these people want to come out for him.

But I feel like I’m kinda lost in the shuffle? It feels like everyone is going to be there for him and his family. I just keep envisioning like countless speeches given in his honor and like, who would even do that for me? It doesn’t help that my mother is paying for it, and I feel guilty that she’s putting up all this money for all of these people she doesn’t know (though I guess I gave her the opportunity to invite others and she chose not to?).

I don’t know. I know this is about bringing us all together as a family, but right now I feel like a loser who’s just going to be there at FH’s family party.

Anyone else with little to no family support?

I totally get your anxiety. My mom died 2 years ago. She was a single mom and I'm an only child, and I'm not close with my extended family. I'll have 2 family members at the wedding tops, and it's hard not having the support of your family during such an important and celebratory time in your life.

However, you're getting married, which is all about creating your new family. Those family members and friends have likely started to become your family, and your wedding day will make that official. You may feel self-conscious, but no one will be looking around counting your family members. They will be there to celebrate both of you as you join your lives together, and that will matter to you so much more on your wedding day than having even sides.

Edited for clarity.

I'm dealing with the same thing. Estranged from my sister, she forbids my adult bride and nephew from speaking with me and they listen to her. My dad will be there, I asked him who else he wanted to invite, he said no one. I'm kinda sad, this isn't how I expected my wedding day. We have friends and his family but I'm also embarrassed.

I too am in the same situation. I have my dad and sister coming, but the rest of my extended family on his side live really far. I don't speak to my mother, sisters, or brother on her side so they're a no go. My FH has a lot of family coming from many different states and loads of work friends. I have been a stay at home mom so the friend list is pretty short. However I am looking at this as the opportunity to really get to know my new family and experience this amazing day with the people who truly matter. They obviously love and care about you as well if they are coming to your wedding.

I just want the actual ppl that we interact with daily . But fh n i both have exhausting dysfuctional family relationships. Why cant it just be so simple for us ... nobody just dog kids n friends . We will see ...

When I was younger my cousin got married and my Aunt asked my family if we'd sit in the grooms side because he didn't have much family coming due to drama and whatever. (He moved in with my Aunt and Uncle when he was like 16, it was that bad) The ushers ended up splitting up the sides evenly and no one knew that the groom barely had anyone from his family there. As for speeches, if I could remember there weren't any and if there was it was only the BM and MOH.

My family is extremely small just my parents, brother and grandmother. DH has five siblings (all married or in long term relationships) and three cousins that are like siblings. Of our 55 at the wedding I think 35 was his family. The rest were mutual friends. In the beginning it bothered me (one of the reasons we didn't have a WP) but as time went on, as others said, they are now my family as well. Try to focus on the fact that you are marrying the man of your dreams and gaining what sounds like an amazing family.

I'm sorry for the circumstances; however, the bright side is that you and FH are one and they will be there for you too.

Thanks everyone...it definitely is comforting to know I'm not the only one! I'm trying to stay positive and remember it's about us and our love, but it's just tough when you see a functional family supporting FH and just wishing you had the same. I guess I'll just try as hard as possible to focus on the future and build my new family with him.

I'm going through the same experience. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm happy to be a part of my new family and start my new beginnings with them! I have stressed myself over and over but why? I rather have positive influences and support around me on my wedding day than someone who's there for the free food and drinks! The wedding is for one day marriage is for a life time.

@fillenouvelle sorry that you have to deal with this. I know how u feel. My family lives in CA and I'm in TX. I have told them months in advance about saving for plane tickets but I know that I will be alone that day with only one sister on my side. I'm not going to keep telling them to come. If they choose to come they can. I sometimes don't even feel like having a reception anymore because of them. I have already told FH that maybe we should just have a small dinner for the few people we feel will be there for us.

Okay, stop and breathe. You're being overwhelmed, and what you're being overwhelmed with is an image, a belief, a something that hasn't come to pass.

If numbers are important to you -- if they are the proof that you're looking at to validate a dismal wedding vision in your head or heart -- you know, that immutable that announces that you are destined to be a bride who is "...a loser who’s just going to be there at FH’s family party", then I guess you have something to hold onto if you insist on "right down the middle, 50/50". However, in reality - wake up, sweetie -- you're talking about 200 guests, maybe a little more than half of them coming because they are attached to your FH in some way. Of the guests, you didn't say, "98% are his, and 2% are mine", did you?" You didn't say, "75% are his, and 25% are mine", did you? You didn't even say, "60 are his, and 40% are mine", did you? You said, "over 50% of the guest list is going to be family members who are essentially there for him". Okay, so is it fair to say that a little less than half will be there for you? It is, or you wouldn't have used those numbers.

I suspect what you're dealing with are the weightier issues of unresolved family drama that feels so big, so noticeable, and so obvious that you're giving them a more onerous potential presence than they deserve. Yes, it totally sucks, and it assaults your emotions to know that your sister and father represent less than intact relationships. That doesn't mean that those two individuals are ascribed more guest value than the other individuals who are attending in YOUR honor, and it's clear, using your numbers, that you have quite a few guests attending because they know you personally.

This is unresolved family stuff, and when it comes to weddings, it suddenly becomes imperative to examine and place a value on these fractured relationships. You're going down a hole -- not a good idea -- as is evidenced by your belief that even your friends are really his. They're not -- they're your friends. You are a social unit. He might have had the experience of meeting them first, but they're only still in his world because you are a decent, intelligent, interesting, empathetic individual -- the woman the man they like has married.

Now, stop sweating over this stuff. Family estrangements exist, and I've been to weddings where the couple to couple guest list ratio was closer to 90%/10%....not a little more or less than 50%/50%. You will have a wonderful time at your wedding, whether the guest list is 35/65 or 55/45.

As far as your mother paying for your wedding, why do you feel bad about that? She could have invited 60 aunts/cousins/babies, but she, as the hostess, chose 10. Apparently they don't want to attend something the other 50 plus aren't invited to attend. Who cares? My son just hosted a wedding for 55 people, and I can't tell you how many of our Irish Catholic relatives weren't invited.

If a parent can host a wedding, it's the biggest ego boost they can experience. If you wanted all of those other family members invited, you could have paid for them. You didn't...so again, who cares? Take it from the voice of experience, okay?

I understand it's hard, but try to look at it positively - you're becoming a part of his family, so you WILL have family there! Be excited for the family that you're gaining, and try to not dwell on the family who won't be there for you.

From someone who doesn't get along with her family(my parents and sister, specifically), be grateful that some of these people won't be there, if you aren't close with them. I wish that I hadn't had to deal with my parents and sister the day of my wedding, but I felt obligated to invite them.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, I'm sure it's tough for you. But look on the bright side, you'll have your mom there (my FH woukd kill for that, his mom just recently passed) and you have your best friend that you're marring. His family is going to be your family too, and they're there for you too. Good luck and best wishes on your marriage

I'm in a similar situation. I have a small family consist of 4 and FH has a bigger family. We share mutual friends,same thing most were his before we met. I have a few close friends. FH has divorced parents and neither of them get along at all. Which makes this all a little bit harder. But we decided to keep the wedding small with just immediate family and close friends. Wedding planning is giving me anxiety but I try to focus on our loved ones being there to celebrate and not on details or how things could wrong. Hope that helps

@ Rachel, I totally hear you and don't want to negate anything you said, but what I meant was that over 50% of the guest list is his family alone. On top of that, his mom does have a lot of friends she's inviting on top of that (most of whom I've never met). So it does feel like a daunting number.

But I get it and you're right, it's not a path I should be going down. I think I've just always had a big fear of being pitied in these types of situations (I definitely felt that way at graduations and such in the past). People will say things like "oh why didn't your dad come?" and so forth. I just hope they have enough tact not to ask me on my wedding day.

Despite it all you will have a beautiful wedding! His family will embrace you. Have you considered having the guests sit on both sides during the ceremony so it won't seem lopsided? Finally have you considered reaching out to your family yourself? Maybe an invite from you personally would make a difference?

I'm on the other side of this, I have a ton of family who I'm sure would all love to be there where as my fh doesnt speak to any of his extended family. I don't want his side to feel like it's me cutting them out, but I look at it like it's his wedding too and he can choose who to invite. Anyways looking at your situation they will all be your family after the ceremony and I'm sure they love you too! If they are mutual friends I doubt all the toast will only be in honor of him!

I made the decision not to invite most of my extended family, and most of FH's extended family (and many family friends) will be there. I choose to look at it from the lens of officially joining his family, and having them all there to support BOTH of us (not just him!) I'm sure your FH's family will shower you with love, or at the very least, well wishes.

I understand your pain. My FH's family are all coming. They're all very supportive of him. I'm estranged completely from my father and his side of my family. I'm inviting all of my mother's family, but in reality I know only her, my sister, and my grandparents will attend. Most of my friends were his before we met. It really does feel like there's no one there for you, but in reality everyone coming will be there for the joining of you two. They're celebrating you and your FH becoming one and living your lives together. They're not just there for him. I know it's really easy to feel like they're not (I fall into this often), but it's only destructive thinking. You really have to try to look at it positively ... especially because the positive side is the truth for this matter. I really hope you can find some peace because it's not an easy struggle.