No family acknowledgement i got married

Well they were invited to those weddings, of course they congratulated the bride and groom.

This is just part of having a small wedding. You can't expect people who weren't invited to reach out. You can't have it both ways.

Plus if you're so against attention aren't you glad they haven't reached out?

Well, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, and I can see why you're upset, but the truth is, no one is obligated to send a card or gift for an event they didn't attend, let alone weren't invited to. And maybe they do feel snubbed, even if that wasn't your intention. That doesn't mean a phone call or facebook message wasn't warranted, but I can see it being hard to get excited over a wedding you're not invited to, family or not.

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There is a difference between having all eyes on you and being put on the spot and on display, and having a little confirmation that your family cares about you as much as anyone else in the family.

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But you didn't invite them to your wedding. You say they weren't snubbed but maybe they felt that way...

I had a small wedding (at least for my family) and I could count on one hand people who weren't invited who sent a card. Such is life. I'm sorry you're hurt, but I'd try to move on.

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The bottom line is, you chose not to include these family members, whatever your reasons were, and it sounds like you had the wedding you wanted to have, so who cares what anyone who wasn't involved did or didn't do?

Did you send out marriage announcements? I probably wouldn't send a card unless someone did. People are more opt to spending money when they are invited to a celebration.

How do you know everyone is aware?

Anyways, sucks you're hurt, but there's not much you can do but move on. When you see them in person, they will probably say congratulations if the topic comes up.

They may have assumed that you didn't want any, based on your dislike of attention, etc. (not meant to sound snarky, just real.) but if you make a point to avoid the spotlight they may have just been trying to respect that.

I'm honestly not much of a "cards" person myself.

Honestly, we aren't inviting a ton of our family and I would never expect anything (a card, a call, a congratulations) from them at all. I have explained that we need a small guest count to stay within budget and while they are understanding and aware, I know they have to be hurt a little. So I wouldn't make a big deal out of this or feel insulted by them not calling. Plus, they know you don't like attention and maybe they just assumed you wouldn't want any attention to be made for an event centered around you.

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I don't even need any fingers to count the number of people who sent a card- or even called me. That's what is so amazing and hurtful to me. ZERO. I don't expect everyone to do it, but I thought maybe a few choice representatives of the branches in the family tree might try considering a new member of the family was added on my wedding day. I think there is a huge difference between not being invited when lots of other people were invited, versus not being invited because almost no one was invited since the bride would've had a panic attack and fainted if it was open to extended family. And there is a difference between a friend getting married and a member of your family getting married. But that's me.

Your guys's responses are very educational to me. I think the problem is I have a different idea of what family means than most people do, and apparently I need to recalibrate. I thought family would show a little support regardless of being invited or not and understand why I kept it small, but I guess not. It's still quid pro quo and a marriage in your family is only worth acknowledging if you get invited to the wedding. And you can go all out for 2 other brides in the family since they invited you, and just completely forget the 3rd cause she's a snubber so her major life event isn't worth acknowledging at all.

Have you considered that maybe because your social anxiety is so crippling, they didn’t acknowledge your wedding because they didn’t want to overload you with attention?

if they saw you panic at your cousins wedding, maybe they’re trying to be respectful of you. It’s hard to sympathize when you say you don’t want attention, but are upset because you aren’t getting the attention you want.

Maybe this is a generational thing, but it would never even occur me to mail a card for a wedding I wasn't invited to.

People are busy with their own lives and they didn't attend your wedding. Out of sight, out of mind.

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They all know me well enough to know my social anxiety is very numbers based. One-on-one, small groups I am AOK. Talkative even, and you would never know I had any kind of problem until you put me front and center of a large group of people. It's simply like a fear of public speaking but cranked up to 11. And I explained that to quite a few people at my cousins wedding where it was obvious. So I would think they would know calling me individually is ok, but I suppose they might not.

People's replies here really are helpful. Just getting different perspective. My main source of hurt here is seeing just the huge night and day difference between treatment of myself versus the obsessing and endless talk over my two cousins recent weddings. It makes me feel very much less important than they are, very much not a member of the family. Like I don't matter. I have struggled with that feeling all my life and it's like POW- here's a bunch of pretty empirical proof that all your suspicions about not mattering as much as others were spot on this whole time. But maybe people just think differently than I do. Very differently.

I'm sure your family is happy for you and may say as much next time you see them, but I wouldn't take their lack of enthusiasm as a snub anymore than you not inviting them in the first place.

"My main source of hurt here is seeing just the huge night and day difference between treatment of myself versus the obsessing and endless talk over my two cousins recent weddings."

But there was a night and day difference in the type of wedding you had, and I feel like you're completely disregarding that very key point. Again, it's hard for one to get excited over an event that they're not invited to. I think you're overthinking this a bit, and as PPs said, maybe they haven't reached out because you've made it clear you don't want the attention. So you can't have it both ways.

I say don't be so hard on yourself. You had the day you wanted and although it may be surprising sometime's its not that deep. I don't have expectations of anyone sending anything if they didn't attend or an invitation. Maybe you should think about the personal relationship you have with those individuals versus the type of relationship they have with your other family members. I will say i don't treat my family "one size fits all". If im closer to one i'll attend an invite or send a card, but others that i am not close to i will not. If they sent christmas cards or other acknowledgments previously, then didn't for the wedding then maybe they felt snubbed since your other cousins had such large weddings. But thats not your issue. You did it your way and i say feel these emotions now and try to put it behind you. There are more life moments ahead to celebrate!

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No I acknowledge that pretty much everyone on this thread is saying they wouldn't send a card either. I am not disregarding that the circumstances are different. I think I am internally starting to get to and understand the deeper issue here (which is a lifelong feeling of not mattering to anyone, and that's unique to me) and that is something people who haven't experienced that aren't going to understand. Like I definitely have my expectations of how family ought to express that you matter to them, and my perception of the obsession over my cousins weddings didn't seem like it was about attending them, but rather simply the fact that our generation was finally starting to get married... but I am definitely getting an education here that my expectations are too high, and other people do not have the issues I have, and thus do not see this situation the way I see it. I can acknowledge that, but it doesn't make the hurt go away right away.

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I think this is the kindest and most helpful reply on this thread. Thank you very much.

I get that it seems like a small gesture and it’d only take a few minutes of their time to do. But you decided on a small wedding because you don’t want the extra attention and you went out of your way to make sure it was a small affair. So…why should they just intuit that you want them to reach out? They might just be respecting the fact that you wanted a private, quiet thing.

It isn’t a vengeful thing, but if I wasn’t invited to a wedding, then that wedding just isn’t on my mind. I’d probably just forget about it until I actually saw the couple next time. I’d tell them congrats and that’d be that. But I wouldn’t commit to memory an event/date that I’m not attending, let alone not invited to. It isn’t petty – it’s just that most people have too much going on in their lives to bother themselves with an event they had literally nothing to do with.

In the end, you got the wedding you wanted - one with very little fanfare. That's exciting and joyous and what you should focus on. Every decision in the planning process is going to mean that you miss out on something else (if I get my s'mores bar, I don't get my Chantilly cake / if I get this dress, I don't get that dress). For you, you got the quiet and small get together, but the trade off was to miss out on the excitement and raving about your big day.

View Quoted Comment I suffer from anxiety, though not as crippling as yours, and I have spent a lot of my adult life in counseling working through not feeling like I mattered. I still would never expect a card from a family member I didn’t invite to something and I would never a send a card for a wedding I wasn’t invited to. We didn’t even receive cards from anyone who declined our wedding and we even had guests at our wedding that didn’t give a card. Whether you felt like your cousins’ weddings were cared about for a different reason than what’s being stated here is just your perception, and there’s no way to know if it’s different because they were invited to the other weddings and they weren’t invited to yours.