Thank you guys soooo much for your help on my last post!
Next thing I need advice on.... How do you deal with EXPECTATIONS? My fiancé and I decided we won’t be having a wedding party for multiple reasons (I find it hard to pick one person over the other, don’t imagine having a wedding party, ect....) wedding September 3, 2022. One of my best friends texted me this last night. I haven’t told her yet, I’m not sure how to because as you see (and as I knew before) she expects it so I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I hadn’t been talking to her about wedding plans at all— so this LITERALLY came out of the blue.
Latest activity by Fred, on May 23, 2021 at 7:48 AM
Wow, that’s really straight forward without being straightforward. How about a simple, “I do remember! We had such a great time!” Would you possibly have assistance in other ways? Like readers? At another time then maybe saying, “we decided the best way to include the people who are closest to us on our day is by having them participate in the ceremony. Would you do a reading?” And when she asks about a party, then you tell her you’re not having one.Or, if you’re not having any participants, or not her but maybe other family or friends, tell her that. She might be upset but it’s your day and a friend will come around to that. Just remember that this is her wanting to celebrate with you!
A good friend will be understanding, but being on the other side of this, it defintely hurts a little! For example, my maid of honor (lifelong best friend) is getting married in Greece in a year. She is keeping the guest list very small, and as a result, I am not even invited to the wedding. However, I am not showing any of the hurtfulness outwardly as I don't want her to feel guilty in any way! Yes, it sucks that she is important enough to be my maid if honor and I'm not even invited to the wedding, but as I said, a true friend would be understanding and supportive. Just be up front and honest with her! I think it was wrong for her to assume she would automatically be part of your wedding party. Maybe take her out for coffee or drinks and have a heart to heart so she knows how important she is to you, while explaining your viewpoint on the whole "wedding party" idea. At the end of the day, it's your wedding and she should support you no matter what.
Wow that’s very straightforward and off-putting. I agree with Victoria’s comment of saying that you remember how much fun you had as her MOH. If she asks more questions, then I’d just say you’re not having a wedding party. I feel like it should be easier for her to accept because than if you had a wedding party and chose someone else as your MOH
Wow that’s definitely a little aggressive there with how bling she is being. But at the end of the day it’s your wedding and everyone has their own vision for their day. Also, she’s making it sound like your obligated.
I would just politely tell her that you and your fiancé have decided on no wedding party and you guys just want it to be you two. But if she would like to help out (if you want) with some things then you would gladly like her to. If she is a good friend she will understand and help out where she can.
I wouldn't even know how to respond to that, that puts you in an awkward position if you were doing a party!
Honesty is the best policy, she might be hurt by it but a good friend would understand - I agree with others, maybe you can have her do a reading or help out in other ways... if she wants.
I agree with posters who suggest to respond with: "Yep I remember! That was a great time!" You owe nothing to anyone. I spent my 20's AVOIDING being a bridesmaid, lol, so I am not sure of the desire to be one! Best wishes! You are doing yourself a favor by not having a wedding party - waaaaay too much stress!
I'm not having a bridal party. I plan to just not mention it, unless someone brings it up with me directly. In that case, I will confidently and cheerfully say "FH and I decided to not do a wedding party. It's perfect for us and it's so great all of our guests can just show up and enjoy without any obligations!" I think it is easier to understand not being a MOH because there is no bridal party at all versus someone else being chosen for the role.
LOL, i feel like that's something my friends and I would text each other (mostly sarcastically). Just respond truthfully and don't beat around the bush at all. Something like "you're right!! It was super fun to do that with you. We decided we're not having bridal parties at all, but i would love it if you would get your hair done with me the morning of, or come dress shopping with me!"
Just be matter of fact and excited, don't make a big deal about your choice.
We're not having a wedding party either. My FMIL has made some passing comments about who should be in it but that's a problem for FH to handle lol.
I'm off the hook because I'm not close enough to anyone right now to have this drama, and because I'm not doing anything FH get's out of it because he doesn't want it to be weird having only one other person up there.
I will say the audacity of this person is pretty up there. If this comment came totally out of the blue I would be like 'Oh. Yea I remember. Why do you mention it?' because her having to admit that she's expecting to be it is its own fun game in my opinion. But I'm petty like that.
No one should be asking/demanding. Stand your ground. Not everyone wants to be a bridesmaid and would prefer to not have the financial/emotional burden that goes with it. You don’t need to assign other jobs either.
You are doing the right thing in sticking to what you want: no bridal party. Might some people be disappointed? Maybe. But if they get their feelings hurt and take it personally, that is 100% on them and their issue to manage. Since you aren't having any attendants, it would be pretty silly of anyone to take it personally that they weren't chosen. But even if they do, that doesn't mean you have to fix anything. Let them handle themselves.
We didn't have a wedding party and I told my closest friends pretty early in the process that I wasn't planning on having a wedding party. I still had them over with me while I got ready and invited them to the rehearsal dinner (but didn't have them come to the rehearsal itself).
Wow, that text, especially if it came out of the blue, feels very entitled. Sorry that she put that on your shoulders. I hate to be the one, but if she's really a good friend she'll come around and understand that the way your wedding is organized is up to you and your future spouse, not her.
You know your friend better than we do but I would take this as more of a joke. I would just reply “Lol, 2013? I can’t remember that long ago”. And move on. If she continues to press the issue in a serious manner just tell her you guys aren’t having a bridal party but if you were you’d choose her.
View Quoted Comment
I feel like I blow it up in my mind so much more than I should and it def doesn’t help. So I haven’t seen her in about 3-4 years (lives an hour away which isn’t far but that’s kinda how it’s been) and with covid (and me being a nurse taking care of these patients sometimes) I don’t think she will feel comfortable seeing me in person yet. So everything is probably best over a phone call or text. I definitely don’t want to hurt her— so any tips you can give me will be so much appreciated! Thank you so much!!!
View Quoted Comment
Yes— that perceived “debt” definitely definitely bugs me. She hasn’t asked about the wedding at all, so you think she would at least ask about wedding plans or a wedding party before sending that text. I just want to make sure I go about this the right way. It was already hard for me to try to think of how to tell her BEFORE she sent me that text, and now it’s just awkward as it validates her expectations. And thank you so much for the advice!
View Quoted Comment
I haven’t responded to that particular text yet but now that I’m off for a few days I need to. I just feel even more awkward now, especially bringing it back up again. She was the only one I hadn’t told because I was trying to think of exactly what to say/the right time as to not hurt her feelings or upset her (as I knew she would be expecting to be a MOH) as you can see.
View Quoted Comment
That was my plan— to not bring it up until someone mentioned it to me. I’ve told people/my girl friends slowly (as they’ve mentioned it) but they normally ask me “what’s your plans for a wedding party?” and I’ll tell them we aren’t having one because ____. But her comment definitely threw me off guard, and now I’m in an awkward spot. Will be mentioning it and letting her know this weekend though.